ASF joke thread

[basilio]

Odds of AFL addressing root cause of Brownlow betting scandal out to 250-1, Sportsbet says

In new markets released this morning, betting company Sportsbet is offering odds of $250 that the AFL will address the underlying gambling culture it has helped create and acknowledge its role in facilitating the Brownlow Medal betting scandal. Official AFL betting partner BetEasy is offering $220, while TAB and PointsBet are each offering $235.

Bet365 announced a same-game multi of $320, which pairs an acknowledgement of the role of gambling sponsorship with a plan to do anything about it, in the same bet.

In a special offer, Sportsbet said if the AFL gets halfway to making the connection between betting ads during games and the associated gambling culture, but then loses its train of thought, you’ll get your money back.

In a statement to media today, outgoing AFL chief Gil McLachlan said the AFL takes gambling very seriously. “Just look at any AFL website, broadcast, player guernsey, event or live match and you’ll see how seriously we take it”.

Odds of AFL addressing root cause of Brownlow betting scandal out to 250-1, Sportsbet says — The Shovel

TAB and PointsBet are each offering 235-1

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[Dona Ferentes]

Brainteaser; do you know the answer?

(Being Irish may help)

 

[SirRumpole]

Brainteaser; do you know the answer?

View attachment 149510
(Being Irish may help)

TREE ?

 

[Dona Ferentes]

close ...... TEN
.
.
.
(Tree and a turd, thrice)
.
.
( I said being Irish could be an advantage)

 

[Knobby22]

close ...... TEN
.
.
.
(Tree and a turd, thrice)
.
.
( I said being Irish could be an advantage)

?

 

[Dona Ferentes]

?

I said being Irish could be an advantage

 

[Knobby22]

I said being Irish could be an advantage

Finally!
Tree and a turd thrice, 3 1/3 thrice.

 

[Dona Ferentes]

Finally!
Tree and a turd thrice, 3 1/3 thrice.

I wasn't going to spell it out completely

 

[Craton]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.​

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.

Little Sasha puts her hand up and says

"I have two questions: Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions..." But just as he is about to answer, the lunch bell sounds and the kids go for lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions so another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says,

"I have four questions. My Questions are: Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch? And where is Sasha?"

 

[Craton]

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and voter fraud?​

One is a childish fantasy about getting what you want. The other has flying reindeer.

Trump voters​

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump voters.
Not really knowing what a Trump voter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny.

The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump voter."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."

The teacher asked him why he was a Democrat.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my mom is a Democrat and my Dad is a Democrat, so I am a Democrat."

Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump voter."

 

[basilio]

Yeah. I thought this darkly funny.

Republican Party responds to gay club massacre, proposes immediate ban on gay clubs

Republican leaders say the recent shooting in Colorado was a tragedy that never should have happened and have called for new laws to make it harder for citizens to open gay nightclubs.

Republican Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said it was simply too easy to open a gay nightclub these days. “There are no background checks, there’s no need for a licence – in some states you can simply walk into a bar, put up a rainbow flag and call it a gay friendly space. It’s terrifyingly simple.

“If we want these shootings to end, we need to ban the key components that make them possible – gay people in a nightclub”.

Republican Party responds to gay club massacre, proposes immediate ban on gay clubs — The Shovel

"It's way too easy to open a gay nightclub these days"

www.theshovel.com.au

 

[sptrawler]

Yeah. I thought this darkly funny.

Republican Party responds to gay club massacre, proposes immediate ban on gay clubs


View attachment 149734
Republican leaders say the recent shooting in Colorado was a tragedy that never should have happened and have called for new laws to make it harder for citizens to open gay nightclubs.

Republican Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell said it was simply too easy to open a gay nightclub these days. “There are no background checks, there’s no need for a licence – in some states you can simply walk into a bar, put up a rainbow flag and call it a gay friendly space. It’s terrifyingly simple.

“If we want these shootings to end, we need to ban the key components that make them possible – gay people in a nightclub”.

Republican Party responds to gay club massacre, proposes immediate ban on gay clubs — The Shovel

"It's way too easy to open a gay nightclub these days"

www.theshovel.com.au

Yes the sad and dark part is neither party seems to have done much about the shootings, in clubs, schools, shopping centres etc.
I think history shows the humour can be applied to both the republicans and the democrats, it's a shame it isn't focused that way.
I guess that wasn't the intent.

 

[basilio]

Yes the sad and dark part is neither party seems to have done much about the shootings, in clubs, schools, shopping centres etc.
I think history shows the humour can be applied to both the republicans and the democrats, it's a shame it isn't focused that way.
I guess that wasn't the intent.

Hey wait a sec SP. Lets be absolutely clear here. From day 1 the Democrats have looked to gun control measures as one particular way to lessen/stop the mass shootings. It isn't the only solution. But it's a start.

From Day 1 the Republicans have steadfastly refused to countenance any changes in public access to weapons. In fact they have pushed for more relaxed gun controls.
Just saying...

 

[sptrawler]

Hey wait a sec SP. Lets be absolutely clear here. From day 1 the Democrats have looked to gun control measures as one particular way to lessen/stop the mass shootings. It isn't the only solution. But it's a start.

From Day 1 the Republicans have steadfastly refused to countenance any changes in public access to weapons. In fact they have pushed for more relaxed gun controls.
Just saying...

Well how long have the democrats been around? And the problems have been around for a long time also, or are you saying this is a new phenomenon in the U.S?
If not, why haven't the democrats done something about it, when they have been in power?
It's a bit like making a joke about a Liberal Govt 'hammering the nurses', because that's what Liberal Governments do, but if you look at recent history that isn't exactly true.
Your mate the shovel would have probably said something like LNP 'screw111g the nurses', I wonder how he will report it?
I don't find him funny, I find a smutty, bigoted, biased, self opinionated, dick, but hey he might appeal to some.

Today's news, Labor Govt:

Thousands of nurses strike across WA over failed pay deal, as surgeries cancelled

Nurses and midwives have walked off the job, after their union rejected the government's latest pay and conditions offer.

www.abc.net.au

2013 same scenario, Liberal Govt.

Barnett backs down in nurse pay battle

Colin Barnett has caved in to nurses' demands for a hefty pay rise, saying people could have died if staff had walked off the job.

au.news.yahoo.com

 

[Craton]

Well how long have the democrats been around? And the problems have been around for a long time also, or are you saying this is a new phenomenon in the U.S?
If not, why haven't the democrats done something about it, when they have been in power?

26 Mar 2022:

Senate GOP blocks domestic terrorism bill, gun policy debate after 2 recent mass shootings​

WASHINGTON (AP) — Democrats’ first attempt at responding to the back-to-back mass shootings in Buffalo and Uvalde, Texas, failed in the Senate Thursday as Republicans blocked a domestic terrorism bill that would have opened debate on difficult questions surrounding hate crimes and gun safety.

 

[sptrawler]

26 Mar 2022:

Senate GOP blocks domestic terrorism bill, gun policy debate after 2 recent mass shootings​

The U.S political system sounds like a nuthouse, how many different sections of Government are there and doesn't one party ever get a majority?
It bodes well for Australia becoming a Republic.
All hail the Republic. ? ?

 

[Craton]

The U.S political system sounds like a nuthouse, how many different sections of Government are there and doesn't one party ever get a majority?
It bodes well for Australia becoming a Republic.
All hail the Republic. ? ?

View attachment 149849

Whoosh!
Sorry, whatever the hell that pic is from, don't know the reference so goes over my head...

That nuthouse in the USA is so because the GOP have claimed the 2nd Amendment as an immoveable object thus, garnishing large and vast swashes of political funding from extremely deep and devoted pockets.
Thus, the GOP membership follow the party line and instead of voting for what is right, good and proper, the arsehats do the exact opposite.
The gun slayings in the USA are beyond a joke and fast becoming a laughing stock. It is down right criminal and the elected GOP reps fail at every turn to even try to change the status quo. Shame on them.

With regards to Australia, Yes I'd like to see us free from the bounds of the "old country".
I can't see us being or going anywhere near the *cough* "united states" experiment. We are far more coherent regards to interstate law and as a nation as a whole. If nothing else, the USA has displayed what not to do and to find a better path, IMHO.

Anyway, back to the jokes huh?

 

[sptrawler]

Agree 100%, I didn't realise GOP was actually a party, like I've said know nothing about the U.S system, but it seems an absolute joke.
As for us being freed from the bounds of the "old country", we seem to have a system of Govt that has stood the test of time and actually works well.
But as usual we always love a chance to reinvent the wheel and make it better.
But yes we have completely drifted off topic, my bad.

 

[Craton]

Republican Party = GOP aka Grand Old Party = Conservatives
Democrats = Democratic Party = Liberals

Back to joking:

There is no Republican Party. There’s a Trump party. The Republican Party is kind of taking a nap somewhere.
- John Boehner, Republican former Speaker of the House

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks; mostly sits.
- Woodrow Wilson

Conservatives define themselves in terms of what they oppose.
- George Will

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward.
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

If Abraham Lincoln could see what’s happened to the Republican Party, he would be the oldest man alive.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends ... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
- Adlai Stevenson

The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then gets elected and proves it.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more more happy Republicans?
- (Unknown Author)

 

[Craton]

The Democrats​

A Democrat politician visited a remote little town in the Appalachians and asked the inhabitants what the Democrat party could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the Mayor.. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The Democrat whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all here in these mountains."

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: : Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet dee
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Wow I'm shocked for the first time my grandpa voted Democrat​

He never would have done that when he was alive!

How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?​

They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.