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Just thinking that the observations about Republicians are funnier/more insightful than the Dems. 
Craton
Mostly passive, contrarian.
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Thanks to Trump, the GOP is funnier. Hey, was that insightful?Just thinking that the observations about Republicians are funnier/more insightful than the Dems.
President Obama was speaking at one of the Washington Correspondents Dinners.
“The Republican leadership in Congress and I are both committed to working together and compromising to do what’s best for our country.
“This dinner is a perfect example. I wanted to have it at the Marriott Hotel, and they wanted to have it at the Hyatt Hotel. So we compromised and are having it here at the Hyatt.”
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A soldier ran up to a nun.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Craton
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Did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?
Only have Targets.
Calling a friend in Ukraine
“G'day, what is going on ?”
“Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.”
“And how does it look like ?”
“Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 1,400 tanks, over 60,000 soldiers...”
“And NATO ?”
“Hasn't shown up yet.”
A battalion of Russian soldiers were marching through Ukraine..
From behind a huge pile of rubble they hear a faint yell.
"One Ukrainian soldier can kill 10 Russian soldiers!"
The Russian colonel laughs, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the pile. After a short battle and the ensuing silence, another yell:
"One Ukrainian soldier can take out 100 Russian soldiers!"
The Russian colonel is getting annoyed now, so he sends 100 of his best fighters over the rubble pile.
After a much larger battle, silence ensues but no Russian soldiers return and yet the colonel hears: "One Ukrainian soldier can take out 1000 Russian soldiers!"
The colonel is furious, and sends 1000 of his best soldiers. After a very long battle, a wounded Russian limps back over the rubble towards his battalion:
"COLONEL, IT’S A TRAP! THERE'S TWO UKRAINIANS!!"
Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?
I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.
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A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.
They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.
As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "Father, Father I'm cold!"
So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "Is that better Sister?" he asks. "Yes Father, much better," she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, "Father I'm still cold!"
So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better Sister?" he asks.
"Oh yes Father, that's much better," she says.
So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, "Father, Father I'm just so cold!"
The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?"
The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, "OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married."
So the Father replies,
"Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!" and rolls over to fall asleep.
They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.
As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "Father, Father I'm cold!"
So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "Is that better Sister?" he asks. "Yes Father, much better," she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, "Father I'm still cold!"
So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better Sister?" he asks.
"Oh yes Father, that's much better," she says.
So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, "Father, Father I'm just so cold!"
The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?"
The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, "OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married."
So the Father replies,
"Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!" and rolls over to fall asleep.
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I have four of the grandkids with me ATM and they actually cracked me up, they ordered me this tee shirt for Christmas, they reckon it's me to a tee. ?
Craton
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Some not-for-kids chrissy jokes.
Did you know that they say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday?
But a senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to, sounds pretty Catholic to me.
Did you hear about Bert the brown-nosed reindeer?
He’s second behind Rudolph but can’t stop as quickly.
Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?
He was desperate for some holiday spirit.Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?
Cause she married to a guy who comes once a year.I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?
You do a bunch of work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.Christmas is so stupid…
Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?
When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.Did you know that they say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday?
But a senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to, sounds pretty Catholic to me.
Did you hear about Bert the brown-nosed reindeer?
He’s second behind Rudolph but can’t stop as quickly.
Santa comes down a chimney one Christmas Eve and to his surprise finds a gorgeous brunette waiting for him, wearing the sexiest lingerie imaginable.
“Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?”
Santa says, “Ho, ho ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”
She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?”
Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”
The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?”
Santa says, “Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can’t get up the chimney like this!”
“Santa,” she purrs, “Can you stay for a while?”
Santa says, “Ho, ho ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to deliver toys to children, you know!”
She comes close, starts playing with his beard, whispers in his ear, “Santa, don’t you have a gift you would like to give me?”
Santa says, “Ho, ho, ho! I’ve gotta go! Have to spread Christmas cheer, you know!”
The brunette takes off her straps, giving Santa a view of her breasts and says, “Santa, are you sure there’s no gift you’d like to leave?”
Santa says, “Hey hey hey, might as well stay. I can’t get up the chimney like this!”
Dona Ferentes
Abrió la caja, vio al gatito, y sonrió
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Went to the Karma Café for a meal. There was no menu. Staff said I'd get what I deserve.
Dona Ferentes
Abrió la caja, vio al gatito, y sonrió
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They now have a fast food outlet;
Instant Karma.
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Maybe now Scomo isn't so busy, he can be relocated to W.A.
www.abc.net.au
Fire threatening lives and homes in Western Australia's South-West
A bushfire threatens lives and a small number of homes in Thomson Brook in Western Australia's South-West region, about 220km south of Perth.
www.abc.net.au
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A businessman was interviewing job applicants for the position of manager of a large division.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back, and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back, and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
Knobby22
Mmmmmm 2nd breakfast
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Craton
Mostly passive, contrarian.
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The other day at work I ran into Tom. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.
“Mate,” he said, “Becky and I are going to get a divorce.”
I was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.”
“Well,” he said, “ever since we got married, Beck has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”
“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.” I probed.
“Nah, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
“Mate,” he said, “Becky and I are going to get a divorce.”
I was stunned. “Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together.”
“Well,” he said, “ever since we got married, Beck has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.”
“Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you.” I probed.
“Nah, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto had ridden had all day on the trail and stopped to spend the night by a lazy river. They set up camp on the grassy river bank and hit the sack and later in the early morning, about 2am, Tonto said to the Lone Ranger, “Don’t we live in a wonderful world, look at that full moon, all the glistening stars, the ghostly clouds drifting across the sky, life is good, what do you make of it all Lone Ranger?” And the LR replied, “Yes Tonto, we see the moon, the stars, the clouds and do you know why Tonto? Do you?” And Tonto replied, “Because the Gods love us.” “No Tonto, the reason we can see all these wonderous things is because…………. some bastard has stolen our tent!”
Craton
Mostly passive, contrarian.
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Two day traders are looking at the commodity stocks for office supplies on their computer.
“What’s the movement on desks and chairs?” asks the first stockbroker.
“Um, that’s moving up,” says the second. “We should get into it.”
“Okay, what about stocks for desktop computers? Are they moving?” asks the first.
“Yep, they’re dropping,” says the second. “We’ve got to sell that off.”
“Okay, what about paper? Is that moving?” asks the first stockbroker.
“Paper? No,” says the second. “Paper is stationery.”
“What’s the movement on desks and chairs?” asks the first stockbroker.
“Um, that’s moving up,” says the second. “We should get into it.”
“Okay, what about stocks for desktop computers? Are they moving?” asks the first.
“Yep, they’re dropping,” says the second. “We’ve got to sell that off.”
“Okay, what about paper? Is that moving?” asks the first stockbroker.
“Paper? No,” says the second. “Paper is stationery.”
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