ASF joke thread

[basilio]

Old one but a goody.
Mastercard and the "Priceless" ads.

 

[Craton]

Not PC but what the hell, here goes.

How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Pour petrol over the cat then throw a lit match at it.

How do you make a dog go "meow"?
Run the dog through a circular saw.

 

[basilio]

 

[basilio]

 

[Craton]

My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where you're taking me when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

 

[Craton]

Oh my, how the health experts lie?
They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store. When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.

 

[basilio]

 

[Craton]

My wife caught me watching a pr0n channel on the TV the other day so I quickly turned to a fishing channel. On her way out she said, "You should stay on the pr0n channel. You know how to fish!"

 

[Craton]

Three quick ones...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Sydney Tower?
Of course! Buildings can’t jump.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

My partner asked me, "How do I look?"
I said, "With your eyes."

 

[Knobby22]

This one made me laugh.

 

[basilio]

 

[basilio]

 

[Craton]

More quickies:

You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed my brother off.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.

 

[explod]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

 

[basilio]

Big Bang Theory jokes.

Sheldon arrogantly asked Mary, "If the great flood were true, what pray tell did Noah feed the big cats?" She answered as quick as a wink "The corpses of floating heathens."

Sheldon to Mum. “Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?” “When God writes one, I will.”

 

[macca]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water

 

[macca]

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street, when they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asked his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies, Making a baby." The little boy says, "Well, flip her over! I'd rather have a puppy!"

 

[basilio]

 

[Knobby22]

Proverbs 26:4 and 26:5 Definitely still true.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes.

 

[Knobby22]

Sorry, previous was not a joke.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I am not sure but the flag is a big plus.