ASF joke thread

[SirRumpole]

A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems.

“Yes doctor I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately no one can hear them or smell them. In fact I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn’t hear or smell them, could you.”

The doctor gives her an examination and says to her, “I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.”

“The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription medication will help you recover your sense of smell, and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.”

 

[Dona Ferentes]

LOG OUT NOW will work, too

 

[SirRumpole]

This is pretty old and may have been posted before, but anyway...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

 

[SirRumpole]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's fridge.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

• 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
• 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

 

[basilio]

Dressed to meet the Queen - Hoges style. 1980

 

[SirRumpole]

So the new CEO decides it's time to rid the company of slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning against a wall.

The room was full of workers.

Seeing a chance to show he meant business, he says to the guy, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man says, 'I make $400.

Why?' The CEO says, 'Wait right here.'

He walks back to his office and comes back in two minutes.

He hands the guy $1,600 in cash and says, 'Here's four weeks' pay.

Now get out and don't come back!'

Feeling like a boss now, the CEO looks around and says, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball's job was around here?'

From across the room, a voice says, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

 

[rcw1]

"When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal, "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the shore, and survive, I'll give you $1,000,000.
No one dared to move. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water, and desperately swam, and made it to the shore, while being chased by all the crocodiles.
The owner announced, "We have a brave winner!!"
After the man collected his reward, he and his wife returned to the hotel.
Upon arrival, the manager told him that he had been very brave to jump. To which the man replied, "I didn't jump, someone pushed me!" His wife smiled.....

Moral - Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him! "

 

[SirRumpole]

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.
A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married.
You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful.
But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own.
But, then again, I guess I should be grateful.
And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?

 

[SirRumpole]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water-colours.

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

 

[SirRumpole]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'

 

[SirRumpole]

Olaf the Norseman is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

“What’s the matter?” asks Olaf.

“Oh,” sobs the old lady, “I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets.”

“No problem,” says Olaf, lifting her onto his back, “I’ll take you.”

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back.

She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

At the other end the old lady’s husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

“I’d really like to thank you,” says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, “but I don’t even know who you are!”

Olaf just waves and walks off.

“I was really worried about you,” says the old lady’s husband. “What have you been doing?”

She replies, “Well, I’ve been through the desserts on a Norse with no name.”

 

[frugal.rock]

It felt good to be out of the rain. Dear.

 

[Craton]

In keeping with the Yes/No theme of late. Some funny Yes/No stuff.

A guy walks into bar​

"Can I get you a beer?" the bartender asks.
"What are my choices?" the guy asks.
"Yes or no," the bartender replies.

Teaching Maths (abridged)
A farmer sells some bales a hay for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did the farmer make a profit?
Yes or No.

Old Egyptian joke​

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine whether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.

Later that night, the man cannot not sleep and fears he might have made the wrong decision. So the next day he goes to the poll workers.

"I believe I have voted for the wrong option yesterday," he says. "I want to change my vote to a yes"

The poll worker smiles at him and says:

"No problem we corrected it for you but don't do it again!"

Fill these blanks with Yes or No.


1. _____, I am not human.


2. _____, I am the thief.


3. _____, there is not treatment for me.


4. _____, I am the one who is mad.

 

[SirRumpole]

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.

One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.

The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."

"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."

The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.

"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.

"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

 

[Belli]

I'll place this post here as "joke" seems appropriate to me. If not, Mods please move it.

Yesterday I received via snail mail a letter from the CBA addressed to my late wife which has been dead for nearly 14 years. Hmm, me thinks what on earth is this about?

It's about a safety deposit box and the ID needed to physically collect it. My, my when I read the letter in more detail. The box is at a CBA branch in Cairns. My wife would have left Cairns in the early 1970's - 50 years ago - and my guess is she would have collected the safety box contents but not bothered to formally close the activity. Hmm, if the CBA is able to address a letter to here then surely they could determine through Births, Deaths and Marriages the person is likely to no longer to be alive. Then maybe not and the bank is erring on the side of caution.

While I am defiantly in favour of flying up to Cairns it certainly would not be with the intention of forking out a couple of thousand $$'s merely to not collect something which doesn't exist. I am, however, happy to spend $1, or possibly $2, in loose change to send the letter back with a copy of the Death Certificate together with an note suggesting they update their records.

Although if the bank told me it's full of gold bars and precious jewels worth a few million, this post would not exist as I'd be on the first flight out this morning.

 

[Knobby22]

I'll place this post here as "joke" seems appropriate to me. If not, Mods please move it.

Yesterday I received via snail mail a letter from the CBA addressed to my late wife which has been dead for nearly 14 years. Hmm, me thinks what on earth is this about?

It's about a safety deposit box and the ID needed to physically collect it. My, my when I read the letter in more detail. The box is at a CBA branch in Cairns. My wife would have left Cairns in the early 1970's - 50 years ago - and my guess is she would have collected the safety box contents but not bothered to formally close the activity. Hmm, if the CBA is able to address a letter to here then surely they could determine through Births, Deaths and Marriages the person is likely to no longer to be alive. Then maybe not and the bank is erring on the side of caution.

While I am defiantly in favour of flying up to Cairns it certainly would not be with the intention of forking out a couple of thousand $$'s merely to not collect something which doesn't exist. I am, however, happy to spend $1, or possibly $2, in loose change to send the letter back with a copy of the Death Certificate together with an note suggesting they update their records.

Although if the bank told me it's full of gold bars and precious jewels worth a few million, this post would not exist as I'd be on the first flight out this morning.

Curiosity would get me in.

 

[macca]

I'll place this post here as "joke" seems appropriate to me. If not, Mods please move it.

Yesterday I received via snail mail a letter from the CBA addressed to my late wife which has been dead for nearly 14 years. Hmm, me thinks what on earth is this about?

It's about a safety deposit box and the ID needed to physically collect it. My, my when I read the letter in more detail. The box is at a CBA branch in Cairns. My wife would have left Cairns in the early 1970's - 50 years ago - and my guess is she would have collected the safety box contents but not bothered to formally close the activity. Hmm, if the CBA is able to address a letter to here then surely they could determine through Births, Deaths and Marriages the person is likely to no longer to be alive. Then maybe not and the bank is erring on the side of caution.

While I am defiantly in favour of flying up to Cairns it certainly would not be with the intention of forking out a couple of thousand $$'s merely to not collect something which doesn't exist. I am, however, happy to spend $1, or possibly $2, in loose change to send the letter back with a copy of the Death Certificate together with an note suggesting they update their records.

Although if the bank told me it's full of gold bars and precious jewels worth a few million, this post would not exist as I'd be on the first flight out this morning.

I have a safe deposit box and there are some new regulations recently, we had to go to a branch and confirm our identity, they passed that on to the safe deposit branch.

OR maybe they consider that she owes them 50 years rental?

 

[Belli]

I have a safe deposit box and there are some new regulations recently, we had to go to a branch and confirm our identity, they passed that on to the safe deposit branch.

OR maybe they consider that she owes them 50 years rental?

Good luck with that.

Probate has been granted so tough for any outstanding creditors.

Curiosity would get me in.

Nah. She would not have left anything of hers behind when she departed Cairns for Uni. Had a mind like a steel trap. Read a research paper and comment the conclusions were contraindicated in another paper she has read 18 months or so previously. Had no need to look it up. I did though and she was correct.

 

[SirRumpole]

Good luck with that.

Probate has been granted so tough for any outstanding creditors.



Nah. She would not have left anything of hers behind when she departed Cairns for Uni. Had a mind like a steel trap. Read a research paper and comment the conclusions were contraindicated in another paper she has read 18 months or so previously. Had no need to look it up. I did though and she was correct.

She sounds like quite a lady. My condolences on your loss.

 

[SirRumpole]

How do court stenographers keep a straight face?


These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while the exchanges were taking place.
___________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
___________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
___________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
___________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
___________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney.
___________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
___________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
___________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.