ASF joke thread

[SirRumpole]

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.

The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.

The frightened investor was amazed!

"Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

"Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours.”

 

[basilio]

Nina Conti and Monkey in Australia on Today show - talking dirty..

 

[SirRumpole]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I'll tell."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

 

[noirua]

 

[Craton]

A few stock market jokes.

1.
Two rednecks are watching the sunset on their tractor and having a chat.

The first says, “I keep hearing on the radio, TV, read in the papers about the stock market but I still have no idea it is. Do you know?”

The second redneck replies, “How should I explain this to you… Let’s say you buy some eggs for your farm, these eggs hatch and now you have chicks, these chicks grow up to be hens which lay more eggs out of which you get more chicks that grow up to be hens and so on and so forth and your farm is full of them.
One day a big flood ravages your land and takes all of them downstream. Then you sit and think to yourself: ducks… I should have gotten ducks.
That’s what the stock market is like.”

2.
A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half of your money AND your wife is still around.

3.
What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big one.

4.
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to sell it before it crashes.

5.
A young stock broker had just parked his BMW. As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car.
A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked.

The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!”
Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall Street types are all alike. Just worried about your f***ing status symbols. You’re so busy whining about your damn BMW that you haven’t even noticed that your whole arm was ripped off by the crash.”

The stock broker looked down at bleeding shreds of flesh hanging where his arm once was and screamed, “Oh my God! Oh my God! My Rolex!”

 

[Craton]

...and one more.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $100 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands of monkeys for $100 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

Now the man further announced that he would buy monkeys for $200. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to work on their farms.

Next, the mysterious man increased his offer to $250 for each money, and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

Now the man announced that he had negotiated a large order for monkeys and that he was willing to buy monkeys for $1500 each! However as he had to go to the city for business, his assistant would now buy monkeys on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell the monkeys to you at $1000 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell the same to him for his asking price of $1500 each."

The villagers elated at seemingly easy profits got all their savings, borrowed money from friends and relatives, got huge bank loans and mortgaged themselves to the hilt. All day and long into the night the villagers bought all the monkeys they could.

Thereafter, they never again saw the mysterious man or his assistant and now the monkeys were everywhere!
That’s stock market!!!

 

[frugal.rock]

The software upgrade theory surmised by telecommunications analysts and experts last Wednesday were put to Optus CEO Kelly Bayer Rosmarin, who rejected those suggestions.

"It's highly unlikely, our systems are actually very stable," she told ABC Radio Sydney last Wednesday morning.

"We provide great coverage to customers, this is a very, very rare occurrence."

Any CEO who uses the word "actually", has no credibility in my book, and don't know how to speak gut england...ya
What a joke.

Optus says changes after a 'routine software upgrade' to blame for nationwide service outage

Optus says "changes to routing information" after a "routine software upgrade" was behind last week's nationwide outage, affecting 10.2 million Australians and impacting 400,000 businesses.

www.abc.net.au

 

[SirRumpole]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, " Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am"

"Only when he's been drinking."

 

[basilio]

Words of wisdom on keeping the wife happy. In a Country an' Western song

 

[basilio]

And if you did or didn't like that one - try again

 

[noirua]

 

[basilio]

Mike and Joelle are always good for a laugh

 

[basilio]

I thought this was too funny not to place in this thread.

Coles/Woolworths Fine for Misleading Consumers Reduced From $10 Million to Just $15 Million​

Shutterstock/Daria Nipot/Jennywonderland



The Australian Competition & Consumer Commission (ACCC) has announced that the penalty for misleading consumers is ‘Down Down’ from $10 million to just $15 million. It justified labelling the fine a ‘reduction’, saying it increased the $10 million fine amount to $16 million last week, before ‘dropping’ it to $15 million five minutes later.

In a statement this morning, read out in an excruciatingly upbeat voice, the consumer watchdog said this offer was not to be missed.

“Prices Dropped! For a limited time, save 33% on your fine for unashamedly ripping off the Australian public!

“Misleading consumers by briefly increasing prices, then reducing them in order to promote them as a saving? Was $15 million, now just $10 million!! That’s value, the Australian way!”

The ACCC put the $15 million fine into perspective, saying it would be almost enough to buy a trolly full of groceries.

Coles/Woolworths Fine for Misleading Consumers Reduced From $10 Million to Just $15 Million — The Shovel

The Australian Competition & Consumer Commission (ACCC) has announced that the penalty for misleading consumers is ‘Down Down’ from $10 million to just $15 million.

theshovel.com.au