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Searches for emoji for <groan> !
Searches for emoji for <groan> !
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Dad jokes are o.k, especially when you're really old.
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For three straight years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn, once per year.
During his last visit, he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he couldn't wait to go there again.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
During his last visit, he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he couldn't wait to go there again.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
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A lady goes to her parish priest for advice. “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said embarrassed.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed.
After a minute, he said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots who I taught to read the Bible and pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and I’m sure they will stop talking like that.”
The woman thanked the priest and next day she took her parrots to his house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his parrots were holding their rosary beads and praying.
She walked over to their cage and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
After a stunned silence, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’” the woman said embarrassed.
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed.
After a minute, he said: “You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots who I taught to read the Bible and pray. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and I’m sure they will stop talking like that.”
The woman thanked the priest and next day she took her parrots to his house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his parrots were holding their rosary beads and praying.
She walked over to their cage and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
After a stunned silence, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said: “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
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Go three days without your favourite thing. Then go three days without sleep. You’ll realise that sleep is actually your favourite thing.
Perhaps more in line with ASF..
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied: “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
Perhaps more in line with ASF..
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied: “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
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A lawyer parks his brand-new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the Police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically,
"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you notice your arm was torn off?"
The lawyer looks down in horror. He screams,
"Oh my God, where's my Rolex?"
As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the Police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically,
"My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you notice your arm was torn off?"
The lawyer looks down in horror. He screams,
"Oh my God, where's my Rolex?"
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Due to a falling birth rate in Australia, the old Holden factory is to be converted into a mushroom farm, they are probably looking for suitable breeding specimens. ? ?
www.drive.com.au
Former Holden factory to be reborn as a mushroom farm – report
The factory which produced millions of Holdens for more than 50 years will be used to grow mushrooms, according to local reports.
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A married couple was walking through a garden when suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite them…
•••
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little, and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted,
"I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog!”
Moral: No one else can *misunderstand* a Husband better than a Wife.
•••
The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little, and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted,
"I've seen people throwing stones & sticks at dogs, this is the first time I see someone trying to throw his wife at a dog!”
Moral: No one else can *misunderstand* a Husband better than a Wife.
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shite."
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shite."
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New words from old words with new meanings
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realise it was your monet to start with.
Bozone (n) : The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bonzone layer unfortuately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future
Cashtration: The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts until you realise it was your monet to start with.
Bozone (n) : The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bonzone layer unfortuately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future
Cashtration: The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time
Dona Ferentes
A little bit OC⚡DC
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Seems we have to have an opinion on everything these days. What's your position on The Karma Sutra?
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Contorted.
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A schonlg joke.
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If you thought you recognised the style of the Banned Ad ... yes. Very similar to The Gunfighter.
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Have you parked badly recently?
?
?
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Ha Ha. It is clever. Lots of politically correct ideas running through it.That post belongs in "The Voice" thread bas.
But really clever and very funny. It stands up to repeated viewings well.
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The real reason why sperm counts are so low | Fiona Katauskas
You can hardly blame them
www.theguardian.com
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