ASF joke thread

[noco]

Serious trouble for Australia



True, Very True

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 24 million.

8 million are retired.

That leaves 16 million to do the work.

There are 8.5 million in school.

Which leaves 7.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 4 million on the dole and invalid pensions.

Leaving 3.5 million to do the work.

200,000 are in the armed forces

Which leaves 3.3 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for state and local
Governments. And that leaves 2,214,000 to do the work.

At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.

Leaving 2,100,200 to do the work.

Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.



And 267,500 travelling at any one time



That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ****,

At your computer, reading jokes. NICE. REAL NICE.





GREAT! NO WONDER WE GOT TROUBLES.

 

[noco]

For further jokes and jokers, please refer to 'the Abbott Government ' thread.

Laughter makes the world go around.

 

[sydboy007]

The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services. The allergists voted to scratch them, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the radiologists could see right through them. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in parliament!

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/comment/whats...rson-a-mate-20140530-zrswa.html#ixzz33KtTZLxb

 

[dutchie]

The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services. The allergists voted to scratch them, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve. The obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the radiologists could see right through them. The surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it. The pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter..." The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in parliament!

Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/comment/whats...rson-a-mate-20140530-zrswa.html#ixzz33KtTZLxb

Sydboy007, this is by far your best post ever.

 

[noco]

THIS IS THE BEST MAXINE EVER, EVER,.............EVER!
RIGHT ON MAXINE!!!
This is the best analogy yet!
Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that America/Canada/Australia/UK are now in economically.


I bought a bird feeder. I hung it
on my back porch and filled it
with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.

And other birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ...... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see......
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.

Then the illegals came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than ”ours” are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
just continue cleaning up the poop!

 

[dutchie]

Woody Allen: “Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

 

[dutchie]

Steven Wright: “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

 

[noco]

Woody Allen: “Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

Woody Allen also said , trying to have sex at 90 is like trying to play snooker with a piece of rope for a cue.

 

[dutchie]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

 

[noco]

Here's your English lesson for the day!
"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

 

[noco]

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes
about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the
Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French
(including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims?
We need to level the playing field for the sake of political correctness.....


Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor,
you may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford
shoes, you may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, you may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand
but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
you may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
you may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off
roadside bombs, you may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
you may be a Muslim.

10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it, you may be a Muslim.

 

[dutchie]

Kiwi couple tell two Muslims to go back to their own (Muslim) country.

(http://www.news.com.au/national/kiw...o-muslim-country/story-e6frfkp9-1227105228734)

 

[barney]

Here's your English lesson for the day!
"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

LOL

I have to steal that one for a short column I have to write.

GOLD

 

[dutchie]

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous Classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.
'Who do you want to play?' Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
'I've always been a big fan of Chopin' said Bruce. 'I'll play him.'
'And you, Sylvester?' asked Spielberg.
'Mozart's the one for me!' said Sly.
'And what about you?' Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
.....'I'll be Bach' said Arnie.

 

[noco]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Huntsville WalMart. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...


(You're going to hate me for this ....)









'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WALMART!'


Oh, quit bitching! I don't write this stuff. I just receive it from my warped friends, and then send it on!




This email is free from viruses and malware because avast! Antivirus protection is active.

 

[noco]

Subject: Tolerance



Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario,
says, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against
another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal
of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious
beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote
tolerance.”

"That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We
could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy,"
and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."

"Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of
Ribs.”

"Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the
goods.”

"Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex
toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and
on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered.”

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us."

Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing
this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point ... it
is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to
put your camel to bed

 

[noco]

In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
"Dear Lord: The past year has been very tough for me. You have taken ...
- My favourite actor - James Garner;
- My favourite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
- My favourite comedian - Robin Williams;
- And finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are -
- Bill Shorten
- Christine Milne
- Jacqui Lambie
- Sarah Hanson-Young and
- Clive Palmer.

Amen!"

 

[noco]

Subject:Brilliant come-backs

After recent events in Canada, remember the fallen on
Remembrance Day

/Ever wonder what happens when you forget history or are
nationally arrogant?/

/
/*JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in
the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of
NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of
France as soon as possible.*
*Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried
here?"*



*You could have heard a pin drop*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including
French and American. During a break, one of the French
engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard
the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an
aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami
victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'*

*A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:*

*'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can
treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered
and can supply
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they
have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day,
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water
from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured
to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such
ships; how many does France have?'*


*You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*



*A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference
that included Admirals from the U.S. , English,
Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail
reception, he found himself standing with a large group
of Officers that included personnel from most of those
countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they
sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly
complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages,
the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is
it that we always have to speak English in these
conferences rather than speaking French?'*

*Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,*

*'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's,
South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you
wouldn't have to speak German.'*


*You could have heard a pin drop.*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*



*AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...*

*Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes
to locate his passport in his carry on.
*
*"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically.
*
*Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
*
*"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
*
*The Englishman said,**'The last time I was here, I
didn't have to show it."
*
*"Impossible. You English always have to show your
passports on arrival in France !"
*
*The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained,*

*''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a
single Frenchmen to show a passport to."*


*You could have heard a pin drop.*

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*If you are proud to be an American, British, Canadian,
Australian, South African, or a New Zealander pass this
on! If not, delete it.*

 

[CanOz]

Subject:Brilliant come-backs

After recent events in Canada, remember the fallen on
Remembrance Day

/Ever wonder what happens when you forget history or are
nationally arrogant?/

/
/*JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in
the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of
NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of
France as soon as possible.*
*Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried
here?"*



*You could have heard a pin drop*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*There was a conference in France where a number of
international engineers were taking part, including
French and American. During a break, one of the French
engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard
the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an
aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami
victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'*

*A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:*

*'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can
treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered
and can supply
Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they
have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day,
They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water
from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured
to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such
ships; how many does France have?'*


*You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*



*A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference
that included Admirals from the U.S. , English,
Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail
reception, he found himself standing with a large group
of Officers that included personnel from most of those
countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they
sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly
complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages,
the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is
it that we always have to speak English in these
conferences rather than speaking French?'*

*Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,*

*'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's,
South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you
wouldn't have to speak German.'*


*You could have heard a pin drop.*
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*



*AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...*

*Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in
Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes
to locate his passport in his carry on.
*
*"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically.
*
*Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
*
*"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
*
*The Englishman said,**'The last time I was here, I
didn't have to show it."
*
*"Impossible. You English always have to show your
passports on arrival in France !"
*
*The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained,*

*''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in
1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a
single Frenchmen to show a passport to."*


*You could have heard a pin drop.*

*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

*If you are proud to be an American, British, Canadian,
Australian, South African, or a New Zealander pass this
on! If not, delete it.*

Absolutely priceless....I'm sure there are many French people that appreciate what our countries did in WWII. Nonetheless, i have some good mates that will thoroughly enjoy this!

 

[pixel]

Absolutely priceless....I'm sure there are many French people that appreciate what our countries did in WWII. Nonetheless, i have some good mates that will thoroughly enjoy this!

LOL, I'm sure there won't be many people of French extraction that pass it on either...