ASF joke thread

[Justin Andersen]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[burglar]

 

[DocK]

Religious threads seem to be trending atm, so here's so light relief:

Repent O Scottish Sinner...
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of their large building.

Smokey put in a bid, & because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding & setting up the planks & buying the paint & yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, & the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church, & knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned & useless paint.


Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees & cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more .

 

[trav365plus]

Religious threads seem to be trending atm, so here's so light relief:

Repent O Scottish Sinner...
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of their large building.

Smokey put in a bid, & because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding & setting up the planks & buying the paint & yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, & the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church, & knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned & useless paint.


Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees & cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more .

Haha :-D

 

[trav365plus]

A japanese guy is at the airport waiting fr his flight back home. He decides to o to the Exchange counter.
J: Wait a minute when I came here i got more dollars for my yen. Whats going on?
C: Fluctuations
J: (stiffens at this) Well fluck you too Americans.

:-D lol

 

[sptrawler]

A japanese guy is at the airport waiting fr his flight back home. He decides to o to the Exchange counter.
J: Wait a minute when I came here i got more dollars for my yen. Whats going on?
C: Fluctuations
J: (stiffens at this) Well fluck you too Americans.

:-D lol

A bit like the joke " just because man fly plane upside down, doesn't mean he has crack up".lol, how bout that

Flunny one hey.

 

[noco]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbours stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their 12 year old daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents who are Socialist Labour were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!


"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can
Give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."


She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"


I said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."


Her parents aren't speaking to me, anymore.

 

[CanOz]

ROTFLMAO...nice one Noco!

 

[sptrawler]

Yes Noco, chardonay socialists, don't you love them.lol

They're the ones sitting on tons of money, and feeling sorry for the poor.lol

But ask them to rent one of their rental properties to an indigenous person or just let a homeless person use it.
They look shocked and change the subject, it is really sad. Absolute #ankers.

 

[sptrawler]

Yes Noco, chardonay socialists, don't you love them.lol

They're the ones sitting on tons of money, and feeling sorry for the poor.lol

But ask them to rent one of their rental properties to an indigenous person or just let a homeless person use it.
They look shocked and change the subject, it is really sad. Absolute #ankers.

Appologies wrong thread, my mistake.

 

[noco]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra ..


The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.


We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'


'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'


'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'


'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'


'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'


'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door..
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'


'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.

You're not getting any real nourishment.



See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******** and a briefcase.

 

[rumpole]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra ..


The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.


We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'


'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'


'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'


'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'


'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'


'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door..
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'


'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.

You're not getting any real nourishment.



See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******** and a briefcase.

Congratulations Noco, you avoided saying "Labor Politician"

Actually makes the joke quite funny

 

[noco]

Congratulations Noco, you avoided saying "Labor Politician"

Actually makes the joke quite funny

rumpole, I am so pleased I finally put a smile on your face.....I have been so worried about you lately....I believed you had been sucking on lemons long enough.

 

[noco]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

;high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will ;go to China, Vietnam orSri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or ;China ...


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru.....

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go ;to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales, or

2) Going to footy games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.)

Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage ;sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

 

[dutchie]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a

;high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will ;go to China, Vietnam orSri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India ,Taiwan or ;China ...


* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru.....

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go ;to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at garage sales, or

2) Going to footy games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.)

Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage ;sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Very funny Noco. Unfortunately true though.

Even beer purchase might not stay here. Have you seen how many foreign beers are on the shelves.

Put the money into educating yourself and family members?

 

[Garpal Gumnut]

This was sent to me recently.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 32 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.


LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable TAYLOR,

'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'

Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE...

"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"

"LAWRENCE froze.

He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said,

'A pumpkin? **** - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth and he was discharged without a conviction being recorded, changed his name and has entered politics.

gg

 

[rumpole]

Subject: Oscar Pistorious Jokes....Doesn't take long !!!



His lawyers got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasnt got a leg to stand on.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentines Day he had to take her out.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The SAOC say hes a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentines Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentines Day card: Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.

Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

Otherwise, the Oscar goes toJail !!

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriends murder. Footprints!

She didnt notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released Bam! President of South Africa. Thats how it works over there, right?

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes Just Dont Do It.

Hollywood are doing his life story; its now going to be called Blade Gunner.

If found guilty hes gonna have to take it on the shin.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

 

[noco]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Tp1_llDdmfM?rel=0

 

[noco]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
Found him, resting on the seventh

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Perth , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............

 

[noco]

A farmer died and in his will he left 17 horses to his 3 sons.

The eldest was left one half 1/2

The second son was left one third 1/3

The third son was left one ninth 1/9

As they said it was not possible to divide the 17 horses into the manner their father worded his will, they had a fight about it...

To try to resolve the issue, they asked the neighboring farmer to arbitrate on the situation for them.

So the neighboring farmer brought over one of his horses to make it 18.

Now the boys were happy.

The eldest son got 9 horses.....the second son got 6 horses......and the third son got 2 horses......17 in total.

So the neighboring farmer took his horse home and everybody was happy.