ASF joke thread

[noco]

Subject: Fwd: Murphy
Murphy


An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Thirty quid,' she whispers.
Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty quid.




So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is the police.



'What's going on here?'
asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

 

[noco]

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he is lost and seeing a woman down below, descends within hailing distance and calls down to her...



"Can you help...I'm on my way to meet some people...I promised them a nice dinner, but I don't know where I am!"



The woman shouts back, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You are between 53.3 and 52.4 degrees north latitude and between 1.8 and 1.9 degrees west longitude."



"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist." "I am," said the woman, "how did you know!" And the balloon man answered, "Everything you told me is technically correct...but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost...frankly, you've not been much help at all...if anything, you've delayed me even further!"



The woman shouted back, "You must be in government!" "I am," shouted the balloonist, "how did you know!!"



To which the woman said, "you don't know where you are or where you're going...you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air...you made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met...but now, somehow, it is my fault!!"

 

[noco]

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish… A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

 

[noco]

Bailout - international finance Greek style.


Probably happens all the time!

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a ¤100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one room in which to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the ¤100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the ¤100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the ¤100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the ¤100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the ¤100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the ¤100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect anything.

At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the ¤100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything - No one earned anything - However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek government hopes to fix its economic problems.

 

[trainspotter]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b1tch, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

 

[bellenuit]

 

[bigdog]

My Tax Return



I just received an audit on my tax return for 2014 back from the Australian Tax Office and it puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question, "List all your dependants?"

I replied, "100,000 muslim immigrants we provide everything for; 10,000 crack heads in rehab; 1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work, 25,000 people in prison, 3,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday, 535 persons in the Parliament and Senate!!!!

They told me that this was NOT the correct answer.

SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE HECK DID I MISS"?

655

 

[bigdog]

What the Sydney Fire Commander Said was Priceless!

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Not fair to make judgement of this, until you see what the Fire Commander says!!!!

In Macquarie Fields, Australia, a 4-flat housing trust property was destroyed by a fire.




A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the right first floor flat. They died.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan, lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.

Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They, too, died.

A white couple lived on the left first floor flat.

The couple survived the fire.

Various multicultural agencies were furious!!

They flew into Sydney and met with the fire commander.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?




The Fire Commander said, "They were at work."

This has just got to keep circulating. It's too good!

761

 

[basilio]

That was SO, SO funny Big Dog. Totally wet myself....

But mate how did you miss out on the transgenedered, drug taking pros living in the basement ? And surely there were some lesbian couples with turkey basted kiddies in one of the flats (also on welfare I might add).

(I appreciate that someone took a lot of trouble to spray as many Andrew Bolt targets as they could in such a short joke. I was just trying to add a few more targets . Jews perhaps? Commos ? Greenies ? )

(What emoticons should I put here to suggest I don't necessarily agree with this joke and my response has elements of ambiguity in it ?)

 

[bigdog]

SALESMANSHIP - THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?

'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the
4x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

887

 

[noco]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The President?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'



Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

 

[bigdog]

Go Dutch . . . But Why Wait Until 2016?

The Netherlands, where six per cent of the population is now Muslim, is scrapping multiculturalism.

The Dutch government says it will abandon the long-standing model of multiculturalism that has encouraged Muslim immigrants to create a parallel society within the Netherlands...

A new integration bill, which Dutch Interior Minister Piet Hein Donner presented to parliament, on June 16, reads:

"The government shares the social dissatisfaction over the multicultural society model and plans to shift priority to the values of the Dutch people."

In the new integration system, the values of the Dutch society, play a central role.

With this change, the government steps away from the model of a multicultural society.

The letter continues: "A more obligatory integration is justified because the government also demands that from its own citizens."

It is necessary because otherwise the society gradually grows apart and eventually no one feels at home anymore in the Netherlands.

The new integration policy will place more demands on immigrants.

For example, immigrants will be required to learn the Dutch language, and the government will take a tougher approach to immigrants who ignore Dutch values or disobey Dutch law.

The government will also stop offering special subsidies for Muslim immigrants because, according to Donner;

"It is not the government's job to integrate immigrants." (How bloody true!!!)

The government will introduce new legislation that outlaws forced marriages and will also impose tougher measures against Muslim immigrants who lower their chances of employment by the way they dress.

More specifically, the government imposed a ban on face-covering, Islamic burqas as of January 1, 2015.

Holland has done that whole liberal thing, and realized - maybe too late - that creating a nation of tribes, will kill the nation itself.

The future of Australia, the UK, USA, Canada and New Zealand may well be read here..

READERS NOTE: Muslim immigrants leave their countries of birth because of civil and political unrest . . . "CREATED BY THE VERY NATURE OF THEIR CULTURE.”

Countries like Holland, Canada, USA, UK, Australia, and New Zealand have an established way of life that actually works, so why embrace the unworkable?

If Muslims do not wish to accept another culture, the answer is simple; "STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

This gives a whole new meaning to the term, 'Dutch Courage' ... Unfortunately Australian, UK, USA, Canadian, and New Zealand politicians don't have the ... guts to do the same. There's a whole lot of truth here!!!


017

 

[bigdog]

SALESMANSHIP - THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for? '£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'


'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
9577

 

[pinkboy]

SALESMANSHIP - THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for? '£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'


'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
9577

Hmm, same joke 2 weeks apart from same person.......



pinkboy

 

[dutchie]

Hmm, same joke 2 weeks apart from same person.......



pinkboy

He really really likes it.

Can never have too much humour!

 

[bigdog]

Poor Old Bill

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious...

Here she is –- in the middle of her election campaign -- now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You bastard!

How could you have let this happen?

With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!

How could you? I can't believe this!

I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!..............

Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper: "Who's calling?".



13

 

[luutzu]

Why is 6 afraid of 4? Because 7 8 9.

 

[pixel]

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple "I can get you married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted - "It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

 

[Tisme]

Apparently someone is shot or syringed or knifed on average every 12 hours in Australia. Poor bugger!

 

[Tisme]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my breasts ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"