ASF joke thread

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Think Twice Before You Force Children To Pray...

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.
"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.

“Just pray what comes to mind: for your family members, friends and neighbours," suggested his father, "and don't forget the poor."

"Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's computer and also provide shelter for the poor homeless men who warm up in mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN"

Dinner was cancelled.

 

[dutchie]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

 

[Craton]

THE $10 DOLLAR JAR

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. The man orders a drink and when the bartender returns asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks but he doesn’t make a face and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight, then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

 

[noco]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
You've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..
Australian Love Poem

 

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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should consider which profession to choose. Like many youngsters his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it either. One day, while the boy was on his way home from school, his father decided on an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible
a $50 note
a bottle of Bundaberg Rum
a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself, "When he comes home from school, I'll see which object he picks up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the fifty bucks, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling, and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and tucked it under his arm.
He picked up the bank note and slipped it into his pocket.
He unscrewed the Rum bottle and took a couple of gulps while admiring this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy", the old preacher sighed to himself, "He's gonna stand for the Senate!"

 

[dutchie]

Christmas Eve There were 3 guys who died on Christmas Eve & went to heaven. St. Peter at the gate said since you all died on Christmas Eve you all got to show me something that represents Christmas. First guy puts his hand in his pocket & pulls out a lighter lights it & said "Candle" St. Peter said there are candles for Christmas go in Second guy pulls out a set of keys & shakes them saying bells. St. Peter said there are bell for Christmas go in. Third guy pockets were turned inside out "Well" St. Peter said The guy puts his hand in his coat pocket & pulls out a pair of womans panties St. Peter said now what do they have to do with Christmas? The guy said "Oh theses are Carols."





'Waiter - There's a Fly in My Champagne'

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.Funniest Christmas Jokes
The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
The Italian drank two thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, 'Now spit out all that you swallowed.'



Members contributions to this question welcome:- What would the Australian have said/done



Anyway a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all ASF members.

 

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What would the Australian have said/done.

"Give us a cold Forex, Mate! Even your flies can't match it with our Blowies!"

Anyway a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all ASF members.

and I'll second that

 

[noco]

Italian Pregnancy
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was a the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him.

"You-a gonna try again!"

 

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Have you ever wondered, how Jesus got his name?

Mary and Joseph were still recovering from Christmas in that old stable, when the three Magi dropped in with their presents of myrrh, frankincense, and gold.
The third visitor, carrying the heavy gold chest, dropped it just inside the threshold; glad to be rid of the heavy weight, he straightened up with a sigh of relief ... and banged his head underneath the door jamb.

"Jesus Christ!" he yelped, as the bruise on his head started throbbing.

"Oh my," said Mary sweetly, "what a lovely name! Let's call the boy 'Jesus Christ'. That has a much nicer ring to it than Joe's suggestion, who wanted to call him 'Bazza'."

 

[Tisme]

Gun Powder Plot

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[noco]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got
more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate...she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock,
and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said... "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment...then turned and made a bee-line straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Bintang]

Advanced Medecine
A doctor from Israel says: “In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s private parts; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”

The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

A Russian doctor says: “That’s nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: “That’s nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us….in the USA, we selected a person with no brains, no heart, and no balls….we made him President, and now……. the whle country is looking for work..”

 

[noco]

Subject: FW: Shorten


Bill Shorten walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Bill, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Shorten: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Bill Shorten, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”

Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification
Shorten: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.

Shorten: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Greg Norman came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Greg Norman and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Bill Shorten stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”

Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr. Shorten.

 

[noco]

A blonde was playing golf
when she took a big swing and fell.


The party waiting behind her was a group from
Canberra that included Bill Shorten.

Bill quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.


She thanked him and started to leave,
when he said,
"I'm Bill Shorten and I hope you'll vote Labor in the next election.”

She laughed and quickly said:




"I fell on my ****, not my head!"

 

[Bintang]

A blonde was playing golf
when she took a big swing and fell.


The party waiting behind her was a group from
Canberra that included Bill Shorten.

Bill quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.


She thanked him and started to leave,
when he said,
"I'm Bill Shorten and I hope you'll vote Labor in the next election.”

She laughed and quickly said:




"I fell on my ****, not my head!"

That response is far too intelligent. She can't have been a natural blonde.

 

[Craton]

Due to the GFC, a stock broker was unemployed for a very long time. He could not find a job but he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."

A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Stock Broker: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is petrol!"

Stock Broker: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Stock Broker: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is petrol!"

Stock Broker: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily but comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak, I can barely see a thing."

Stock Broker: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Here, take this $1,000."

Doctor: "But this is only $500..."

Stock Broker: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

 

[trainspotter]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?”
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!”
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink.”
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.”
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!”
Satan: "You a smoker?”
Guy: "You better believe it!”
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?”
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!”
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.”
Guy: "Cool!”
Satan: "What about Drugs?”
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean…?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.”
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?”
Guy: "No…"
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

 

[dead trader]

The last two jokes are so funny!!! Where do you get these?? [emoji23]

 

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One Sunday morning, a minister decided to do something a little different.

He said 'Today, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever word I say, I want you to sing the first hymn that comes to your mind'.

The congregation nods in unison. The pastor shoutes 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation starts singing as one, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollers 'GRACE.' The congregation sings 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor yells 'POWER.' The congregation sings 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor's final word is 'SEX'. The congregation remains in total silence, stunned, shocked.
All of a sudden, from the back row of pews, an 87 year old lady gets up and breaks into song,

'MEMORIES...'​

 

[noco]

WELCOME to 2015:

• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless

We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,

And our Politicians are WORTHLESS !

I'm scared – ****less










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