Glen48
Money can't buy Poverty
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CanOz
Home runs feel good, but base hits pay bills!
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A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
.
CanOz
The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
.CanOz
CanOz
Home runs feel good, but base hits pay bills!
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This ones for Tech/A!!
CanOz
CanOz
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
This is so tasteless, it cries out to be shared!
Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Julia
In Memoriam
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Thanks, Dock. Timely and very funny.This arrived in my inbox overnight, and made me chuckle so much I spilt my morning cuppa. Thought I'd share:
BEING GREEN
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the 'green thing' back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the province of Ontario. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the 'green thing' back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the 'green thing' back then.
Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. We didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the 'green thing' back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off ... especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.
BEING GREEN
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the 'green thing' back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the 'green thing' in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the 'green thing' back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the province of Ontario. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the 'green thing' back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the 'green thing' back then.
Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. We didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the 'green thing' back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off ... especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.
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Best prank ever?
Watch the video.
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/re...-house-with-beer/story-fnet0he2-1226721533181
Watch the video.
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/re...-house-with-beer/story-fnet0he2-1226721533181
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Nigella Lawsons favourite vegetable ......... an artichoke.
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Nigella Lawsons new menu ..... Hot Tongue and Cold Shoulder.
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Just LOL at this one. Made my morning this did.
I seem to be missing the joke. I suppose you also got LOL from the scenes of the obnoxious Saatchi trying to choke Nigella. I wouldn't be surprised if Saatchi was the originator of the above Xmas menu (joke?), which is just as nasty.
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A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog he asks?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog
With him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
Asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Las Vegas ...
' They go to Las Vegas
And the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a
Million-to-one shot to win, but
After the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of chips come sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
Buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous 25-year-old girl.
'And that,
Your honor, is how the girl
Ended up in my room.
So help me God
Or my name is not Craig Thompson.'
Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog he asks?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog
With him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
Asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Las Vegas ...
' They go to Las Vegas
And the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a
Million-to-one shot to win, but
After the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of chips come sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
Buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous 25-year-old girl.
'And that,
Your honor, is how the girl
Ended up in my room.
So help me God
Or my name is not Craig Thompson.'
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