ASF joke thread

[Investor82]

Oh dear! I'm duly mortified and embarrassed. Just glanced at the ratios.

Maybe this helps explain how to be a successfull trader?

Whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa clause?
Santa stops at three ho's.

 

[Julia]

Maybe this helps explain how to be a successfull trader?

Whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa clause?
Santa stops at three ho's.

You might explain the connection between glancing at percentages about public opinions, and being a successful trader?

And/or the connection between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus
joke (?) and being a successful trader.

 

[Investor82]

You might explain the connection between glancing at percentages about public opinions, and being a successful trader?

And/or the connection between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus
joke (?) and being a successful trader.

Julia - sorry - I hope i didnt offend, certainly not my intention. I was having a laugh, because I didnt pick up on the percentages calculation either. I was joking that if your good at maths you wont be much good at trading. It was funny in my head.

no connection between tiger, and trading - it was just my random joke of the day.

 

[Julia]

Julia - sorry - I hope i didnt offend, certainly not my intention. I was having a laugh, because I didnt pick up on the percentages calculation either. I was joking that if your good at maths you wont be much good at trading. It was funny in my head.

no connection between tiger, and trading - it was just my random joke of the day.

Thanks for explaining. Certainly not offended, just a bit puzzled.

 

[Wysiwyg]

Maybe this helps explain how to be a successfull trader?

Whats the difference between tiger woods and Santa clause?
Santa stops at three ho's.

I got a grin out of it Inv. 82.

 

[Investor82]

Goodo - Carry on!

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out. Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'


:

 

[McCoy Pauley]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.I'm smart and will answer the question.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."


Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.


Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."


Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"


Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F.Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.


When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[derty]

.

 

[derty]

My how meanings change.

 

[Sir Osisofliver]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....

'Circumcised'

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school

 

[Bronte]

It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town , stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

He gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar , who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100.

The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government's stimulus package works.

 

[Timmy]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'That's really not so bad, actually it's kind of cute.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi Keith'

 

[nomore4s]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

 

[nomore4s]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles..
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that

 

[newbie trader]

Probably one of the funniest jokes you'll read on this thread:

Why are maths books so sad?

BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT SO MANY PROBLEMS!

 

[jancha]

I don't think i'm racist but i do find this one amusing.
I'll leave it up to the Mods to screen it.

An Aboriginal walks into a Doctors surgery with a Galah on his head.
The doctor asks what can i do for you?
The Galah replies "Would you mind getting this black head off my foot"

 

[trainspotter]

Pakistani gets killed and ends up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter asks him what is he doing there?

"I am here for Jesus" is the reply.

St. Peter turns his head and yells at the top of his lungs "JESUS .... your taxi is here!"

 

[trainspotter]

A teacher asked her class how many of them were Kevin Rudd fans.

Not really knowing what a Kevin Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...again.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a Kevin Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Kevin Rudd fan?'
Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Liberal.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.
Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
Little Johnny replied, 'A Kevin Rudd fan.'

 

[Buckfont]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he replied.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep. 3 males and 2 females," he retorted.
Intrigued she asked him how he knew the difference.
"Oh that`s easy," he replied.

3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.

 

[trainspotter]

Re: Adam Goodes article - Indigenous Round Footy

*** NEWS FLASH .......NEWS FLASH ***

Fremantle Football Club has been rocked by a drug scandal.

After investigations by the AFL Commission suggested that a Fremantle player was involved in the use of illegal drugs, the AFL have taken a hardnosed approach to the problem and stripped the Fremantle Football Club of ALL awards won over the past 15 years.

The AFL Commissioner was seen leaving Fremantle Oval this morning with:

· 15 participation certificates.
· 3 junior whopper with cheese value meal vouchers.
· 7 chocolate frogs.

Insiders close to the club, state that the club is devastated.