ASF joke thread

[MrBurns]

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
-------------------------------

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

---------------------------------

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

-------------------------------

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

-------------------------------

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

----------------------------

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

--------------------------

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

----------------------------
Adelaide:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
-------------------------

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

--------------------------------------

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

--------------------------


money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

---------------------------

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


THE END........................

 

[arae]

A friend once said to me "When a black man becomes President of the US, pigs will fly". Sure enough, 100 days later, swine flu.

The Washington Redskins have been forced to change their name as it causes offense to native Indians. From now on, they will be known as the Merryland Redskins.

 

[jbocker]

Tighten What!!?








Dont say you were not warned before boarding this boat...

 

[roland]

Someone just sent me an email with 'Tenjewberrymuds' at the bottom, well just had to Google it:

TENJEWBERRYMUDS


To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'Tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:


Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."


Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."


RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"


G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."


RS: "Ow July den?"


G: "What??"


RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"


G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."


RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"


G: "Crisp will be fine."


RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"


G: "What?"


RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"


G: "I don't think so."


RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"


G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."


RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"


G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."


RS: "We bodder?"


G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."


RS: "Wad?"


G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."


RS: "Copy?"


G: "Excuse me?"


RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"


G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."


RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"


G: "Whatever you say."


RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

 

[jbocker]

The Bathtub Test​

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, How do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because
it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?'

 

[Chris45]

Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"We are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you Bruce?"
"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two f*ckin’ Arabs!..."

 

[Gordon Gekko]

So a young lady is in Tiffany's leaning over a glass display case admiring a necklace when all off a sudden she squeeks out a little fart. She then turns around to see a sales agent, she is very embarrassed but the agent is cool as a cucumber so she doesn't think he noticed.
She then asked the agent how much for such a lovely necklace?

The agent then replies,
Lady if you farted just looking at it you are going to **** yourself when I tell you the price.

G

 

[jbocker]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and f*rted whenever he wanted.

THE END

 

[Dark1975]

With Oil prices heading up at this rate!
I'm sure the U.S are going to invade Iran
Sorry bad humour

 

[jbocker]

Murder at Woolworths

So, here's the story Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....

'Artie Chokes 2 for $1.00 at Woolworths!'

 

[jbocker]

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation while visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died from a heart attack.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the Australian Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back home for a proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that sending a body back to the States for burial was very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,350.00. The Consul then advised that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body there. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That is what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, said "You must have respected your mother-in-law very much, considering the cost."
"Well," says George, "I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just aint taking that chance!"

 

[MrBurns]

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

 

[MrBurns]

Older Women Are So Reasonable

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A$1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.




.

 

[GeoffM]

Anna lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but she didn't know anyone.

Her daughter replied, "Mum, I have someone for you to meet."

It was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. .

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" .

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." ..

He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night. ..

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[Chris45]

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

 

[jbocker]

Men Remember Anniversaries.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

 

[GumbyLearner]

Why can't lawyers have sex with their clients?

Because you cannot bill your client twice for the same service.

 

[Da Cat]

so so cringeable (and wrong) but pretty funny all the same....
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh haming it up:

In 1995 he asked a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test."

The Prince angered local residents in Lockerbie when on a visit to the town in 1993, he said to a man who lived in a road where 11 people had been killed by wreckage from the Pan Am jumbo jet: "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out Windsor Castle."

During a Royal visit to China in 1986 he described Peking as "ghastly" and told British students: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed."

He said of Canada: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."

At the height of the recession in 1981 he said: "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

In 1966 he provoked outrage by saying: "British women can't cook."

Another jab to the Chinese came at a World Wildlife Fund dinner: “If it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Chinese will eat it.”

To an Australian Aborigine he met in 2002, Philip asked: “Still throwing spears?”

 

[nomore4s]

so so cringeable (and wrong) but pretty funny all the same....
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh haming it up:

In 1995 he asked a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test."

The Prince angered local residents in Lockerbie when on a visit to the town in 1993, he said to a man who lived in a road where 11 people had been killed by wreckage from the Pan Am jumbo jet: "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out Windsor Castle."

During a Royal visit to China in 1986 he described Peking as "ghastly" and told British students: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed."

He said of Canada: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves."

At the height of the recession in 1981 he said: "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

In 1966 he provoked outrage by saying: "British women can't cook."

Another jab to the Chinese came at a World Wildlife Fund dinner: “If it swims and it’s not a submarine, the Chinese will eat it.”

To an Australian Aborigine he met in 2002, Philip asked: “Still throwing spears?”

lol, the George W Bush of England

 

[Edwood]