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ASF joke thread

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We all remember the KFC
"Hillary Clinton Meal:"
small breasts and big thighs.

Now, KFC has announced an
addition to their chicken dinners.

It's called the “Rudd” Bucket:
It consists of left wings and an asshole.
 
A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Melbourne courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Richmond football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
 

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GumbyLearner said:
A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Melbourne courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Richmond football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
Click to expand...

hhahahahahahahahahahaha that is excellent hahaha
 
Not only has Professor Robots returned unscathed after his holidays from ASF but I have a strong feeling he will in due course replace Joe and then close down all threads that do not have a property ramping content.

cheers explod
 
Speaking of footy...

An Aussie watching the footy on TV7 kept switching to the SBS channel which was showing a raunchy movie featuring a lusty couple having sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the football," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play football"
 
Read this one in the Walkabout Creek Hotel last week.

WORLD ANNUAL ASSERTIVE WOMENS CONFERENCE.

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said '' During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands".

Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington,that i would no longer cook for him and he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, i saw nothing. The second day, i saw nothing, but on the third day i saw he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

( The crowd cheered)

The second lady from Russia, stood up and said, " After last year's conference, i went home and told my husband, Ivan, that i would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.

The first day i saw nothing. After the second day, i saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had not only done his own washing, but mine as well".

( The crowd cheered)

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said, "After lass years conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines,
Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucking and washin his undawear and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.

( The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted five minutes!)

She continued. " Afta da first day,I nevah see nuffin..Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see just a little bit outa my left eye'.
 
Not sure if this one will pass the cenorship!!

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra, Kevvy is being chauffeured to Parliament House.

It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin has frozen over.

As he jumps out of the Caprice, Kevvy looks over the Lake & notices that someone has "peed" on the ice & left a message............"KEVVY SUCKS".



Kevvy is enraged & orders ASIO to investigate with "no expenses spared" & to report within two weeks.



Two weeks later, the head of ASIO reports to the PM & says...."our investigation is over & I have three pieces of news for you....good news, bad news & terribly bad shocking news".



Well says Kevvy, give me the good news. The head of ASIO says..."We spent $5 million dollars on the investigation & have come to a successful result".



Well says Kevvy what's the bad news?



The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows the urine is Wayne Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.



Looking pale, Kevvy says" & what is the terribly bad shocking news?"



The ASIO chief replies...." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".
 
While I'm pushing my luck I'll go for a double!!
Australia Post created a New stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd, and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as Requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry
Finding.




The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not Sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full Investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:


1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
 
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front
Of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures;
in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead
car stepped a well attired blonde grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm Prime Minister Rudd. What do you have in
the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Mr Rudd

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labor kittens," answered Suzy with a smile.

Mr Rudd was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his

PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Prime
Minister should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled
media, have the child talk about her discerning kittens. So the next
day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE
KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans
from ABC, 7, SBS, TEN and 9. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly
set up, then PM Rudd got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends
out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Liberals."

Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But... but..
yesterday, you told me they were Labor."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes
open."
 
facts about chuck norris

Chuck Norris doesnt do press ups he presses down the earth

The giraffe was created when chuck Norris gave an uppercut to a donkey

Once the whole of France of watched a Chuck Norris movie and then surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be safe
 
Target marketing: Example

Ensuring your advertising budget is well spent is a major concern for
most marketing directors. Fortunatley, the gurus at News Ltd's "the
Australian" website are on the ball.....(see attached)
 

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and a few kilo's since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
 
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'
 
Julia Gillard was visiting a primary school in Tasmania.

One class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Julia if she would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.

A little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a ‘tragedy’.

‘No,’ said Gillard ‘that would be an accident.’

A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy’.

‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Gillard ‘that’s what we would call great loss’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: ‘If a plane carrying you and Mr. Gillard was struck by a ‘friendly fire’
missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.’
‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Gillard . ‘That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?’

‘Well,’ says little Johnny ‘it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be a f*cking accident either!’
 
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and finds him doing a sexy striptease in front of his farm machinery, Mick says "what da divil are ya doing Paddy?"
Paddy replies "well me and the wife haven't been getting on lately and me therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor"
 
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low? :dunno:
 

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