ASF joke thread

[Mofra]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

 

[trainspotter]

Julia Gillard was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane leaving from
Sydney.

She turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passengers.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to Gillard, 'o.k., what would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said Julia. 'How about global warming or health care',
and she smiles smugly.

OK, ' the girl said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a kangaroo all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The PM, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about
it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global
warming or health care when you don't know ****?'

 

[Boggo]

While watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver".
I thought, "What a ******* great idea! Why don't we have them in our country!?"

 

[Happy]

While watching the Commonwealth Games in India recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking taxi driver".
I thought, "What a ******* great idea! Why don't we have them in our country!?"

What is funny that 24 hours went past and nobody called you r a c i s t yet.

 

[nomore4s]

Hahaha, this is the way to sell a car.

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/FULLY-SICK-S...rucks_Commercial_Vehicles&hash=item35ad6e7ed6

 

[burglar]

Patient to Proctologist: " Can you use two fingers?"

Proctologist to Patient: " Why?"

Patient to Proctologist: " My wife wants me to get a second opinion?"

 

[burglar]

I LOVE MY JOB

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.


"Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother..
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my **** was not as fortunate..

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ****.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my **** was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ****.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?"

 

[burglar]

Don't flame me, it's only humour!


Simple maths over the past 40 years and beyond.



1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?





2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?





3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80.

How much was his profit?





4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.



Your assignment: Underline the number 20.







5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a measly profit of $20.







6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.

While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash. They also have a BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work; he should give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?







7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on hi s old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.







8. Teaching Maths in 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

 

[nomore4s]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Colin?"

 

[pixel]

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have...

* Disturbed You,
* Troubled You,
* Pestered You,
* Irritated You,
* Bugged You,
* Or simply got on your Nerves!!

So today, I just wanted to tell you…



Suck it up, Buttercup!!

Cause THERE AIN'T NO CHANGES planned for 2011!!

 

[breaker]

Get home safely, use the beer scooter.

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to
your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer
Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their
bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are
thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified
Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top
of your head.

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of
time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell
happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal f Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often-lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause
the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the
passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is
the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to
comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

 

[burglar]

Christmas Greeting To All My Friends....


I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor yesterday, and on their advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices
of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted Gregorian calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

No trees were harmed in the sending of this message.

 

[nomore4s]

Hahaha, love how the wipers keep coming on.

 

[Solly]

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of panadols and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the panadols and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.

Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes 'n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

 

[pixel]

THE DECISION

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but ... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

 

[pixel]

THE SCOTTISH COW

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland"

 

[nomore4s]

Serious streaker fail.

Be warned there is a tiny tiny bit of nudity if you squint just right

 

[GumbyLearner]

 

[trainspotter]

The Balloonist & The Engineer

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.’

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metre above the ground. You're between 25 and 26 degrees South latitude and between 27 and 28 degrees East longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I do not understand your answer & I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, now it's my fault!

 

[tothemax6]

The Balloonist & The Engineer

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.’

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metre above the ground. You're between 25 and 26 degrees South latitude and between 27 and 28 degrees East longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I do not understand your answer & I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, now it's my fault!

Thankyou for that .

The joke should probably also include some humorous play on the fact that the manager also gets paid much more than the engineer for this farce.