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I disagree, his faux pas are way wittier than that retarded redneck dubya, and most importantly he's not actually in charge of running a country like bush was!
I disagree, his faux pas are way wittier than that retarded redneck dubya, and most importantly he's not actually in charge of running a country like bush was!
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you”
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute asylum seeker outside the Immigration Offices in Sydney.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --*PING!!!* He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the North Shore with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
*PING!* - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a luxury 4WD, full of his relatives playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, an Aussie accent, and I want to have white skin like the Australians..'
*PING!* - The man was instantly transformed and found himself wearing worn out jeans from Best And Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a pair of cheap joggers. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What the bloody hell's happened to my new teeth?' he screamed. 'Where's my new bloody house? Where's my Centrelink Gold Card?'
The fairy said 'Tough ****! Now that you're an Australian, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --*PING!!!* He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the North Shore with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
*PING!* - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a luxury 4WD, full of his relatives playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, an Aussie accent, and I want to have white skin like the Australians..'
*PING!* - The man was instantly transformed and found himself wearing worn out jeans from Best And Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a pair of cheap joggers. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What the bloody hell's happened to my new teeth?' he screamed. 'Where's my new bloody house? Where's my Centrelink Gold Card?'
The fairy said 'Tough ****! Now that you're an Australian, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!
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I notice Ozwaveguy quoting Alan Jones on another thread.
https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=509594
Personally I'd probably listen to anything else - but I do concede I was walking through the factory the other day and the lads had Alan Jones on the radio - and he came up with this joke ...
This fisherman was returning to port loaded down with codfish, when he was caught in a terrible storm. A wave came over the side, and was about to wash him over to a watery grave, when he reached out and caught a case of fish. It slipped over the side as he grabbed it, but he was able to lever against it and stay aboard.
And as he watched the case floating away, he said to himself ..
"There, but for the case of cod, go I".
https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=509594
Personally I'd probably listen to anything else - but I do concede I was walking through the factory the other day and the lads had Alan Jones on the radio - and he came up with this joke ...
This fisherman was returning to port loaded down with codfish, when he was caught in a terrible storm. A wave came over the side, and was about to wash him over to a watery grave, when he reached out and caught a case of fish. It slipped over the side as he grabbed it, but he was able to lever against it and stay aboard.
And as he watched the case floating away, he said to himself ..
"There, but for the case of cod, go I".
There's a new party game that's all the rage.
The men and women all go into the same room.
The women line up against the wall and remove all their clothes.
The men line up against the opposite wall and remove all their clothes.
On the count of three, the men and the women all run towards each other flat out.
The first correct entry wins.
The men and women all go into the same room.
The women line up against the wall and remove all their clothes.
The men line up against the opposite wall and remove all their clothes.
On the count of three, the men and the women all run towards each other flat out.
The first correct entry wins.
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The Golfing Nun a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?"
A young nun becomes disillusioned with convent life.
She goes to the Mother Superior and tells her she's resigning.
The Mother Superior says 'But my child - you've been with us since you left school, you know no other line of work. How on earth will you earn a living'?
The young nun replies 'Well Mother, I've given that some thought and I don't think it will be a problem - I've decided to become a prostitute'.
The Mother Superior is shocked. She clutches a hand to her heart and says 'You've decided to become a WHAT'????!!!!
The young nun calmly repeats 'I've decided to become a prostitute'.
'Oh, thank goodness for that' exclaims the Mother Superior - 'for one horrible moment there I thought you said you'd decided to become a Protestant'!
She goes to the Mother Superior and tells her she's resigning.
The Mother Superior says 'But my child - you've been with us since you left school, you know no other line of work. How on earth will you earn a living'?
The young nun replies 'Well Mother, I've given that some thought and I don't think it will be a problem - I've decided to become a prostitute'.
The Mother Superior is shocked. She clutches a hand to her heart and says 'You've decided to become a WHAT'????!!!!
The young nun calmly repeats 'I've decided to become a prostitute'.
'Oh, thank goodness for that' exclaims the Mother Superior - 'for one horrible moment there I thought you said you'd decided to become a Protestant'!
Timmy
white swans need love too
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Q: How do you price carbon in an ETS?
A: Use an Al Goreithm
sorry
A: Use an Al Goreithm
sorry
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lol i think it's a good one
Timmy
white swans need love too
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If this is the joke thread then I should really just type in:
Fox "News".
What a joke.
Anyway, here is a nice example from the clowns, see attachment.
And there's a video of the newsreader solemnly reading out the figures from the teleprompter, here:
http://flowingdata.com/2009/11/26/fox-news-makes-the-best-pie-chart-ever/
Fox "News".
What a joke.
Anyway, here is a nice example from the clowns, see attachment.
And there's a video of the newsreader solemnly reading out the figures from the teleprompter, here:
http://flowingdata.com/2009/11/26/fox-news-makes-the-best-pie-chart-ever/
Attachments
nulla nulla
Positive Expectancy
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Only in America can the sum of the parts be greater than the hole.
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Heard this one today:
An Irishman get's a 20 piece puzzle which takes him 9 months to finish
He tells his friend he is happy he finished it so quickly
His friend asks "why's that?"
He says "because on the box it said it was for 4-6 years"
Poor gag but pretty nifty lol
An Irishman get's a 20 piece puzzle which takes him 9 months to finish
He tells his friend he is happy he finished it so quickly
His friend asks "why's that?"
He says "because on the box it said it was for 4-6 years"
Poor gag but pretty nifty lol
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Spoke to a blond the other day who said the capital of California was 'C'.
Timmy
white swans need love too
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Attachments
Julia
In Memoriam
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Timmy, don't you think that if a poll were taken in Australia today, asking that question, the results would be pretty close to what's quoted above?
Timmy
white swans need love too
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Plug the numbers into your calculator Julia
(Add them up
Yeah that's as funny as **** like this site!
http://www.thepeoplescube.com/
Julia
In Memoriam
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Plug the numbers into your calculator Julia
(Add them up
Oh dear! I'm duly mortified and embarrassed. Just glanced at the ratios.
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