ASF joke thread

[sam76]

Warning - please don't read on if you are easily offended.

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS​

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his e*&^8n.

19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

32. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

33. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

34. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

35. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

36. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

37. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

38. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

39. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

40. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

41. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

42. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Fat Chicks.

43. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

44. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

45. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

46. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

47. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

48. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

49. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

50. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

51. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

52. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

53. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the &%$& out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

54. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the *^&%^ out of little kids.

55. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

56. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

57. edited

58. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

59. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

60. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

61. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

 

[dutchie]

I got a chuckl(le) out of that, especially No. 30 & 44.

 

[wayneL]

Re: Aussie Funny Forums

Quiet day mate?

Are they THAT bad? :

 

[wayneL]

Anyone who grew up or has lived in LA etc would appreciate this one:

Math 1950-2005

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:


1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1970
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. &n Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)


6. Teaching Math In 2005

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

 

[sam76]

ONE LINERS !
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
Thyroid problem?'


2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.


3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.


4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
on with my real ladder.


5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.


6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.


7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
was sticks and stones all the way.


8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.


9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have
a good hand.


10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'


11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?


12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.


13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.


14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.


15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.


16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before


UNIVERSAL TRUTHS


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when Your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS


1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed?
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?
3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?
5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14) What do you call male ballerinas?
15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Kind regards,

 

[Julia]

Sam

Thanks a lot - that was really funny, especially the Universal Truths and the Great Questions which truly are just that. It's good to laugh at some of the silliness that's a part of most of us.

Julia

 

[brerwallabi]

Something for a Friday afternoon. THE CHILI CONTEST
If you can read this story without tears rolling down your cheeks then there is no hope for you!
Please read this slowly if you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have visited Texas you may have come across Chili cook-offs, when the Rodeo comes to town the cook off takes up a major portion of the Astrodome carpark. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas from Australia.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge in a chili cook-off. A judge had called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer tent when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili would not be all that spicy and , besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”
Here are the scorecards from the chilli cook-off event.

Chili 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild
Judge 3 – (Frank) Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge 2 – Exciting barbeque flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge 3 –(Frank) Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili
Judge 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2 – A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge 3 – (Frank) Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I am getting pissed from all the beer.

Chili 4 Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge 1””Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2””Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge 3 (Frank) I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? The barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills, the 300lb bitch was starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili n aphrodisiac?

Chili 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge 1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayonne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2””Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 -- (Frank) My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her chili gave me brain damage. The barmaid saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. I wonder if I am burning my lips off. It really psses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge 1””Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge 2””The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge 3””(Frank) I chit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclines to stand behind me only that kinky barmaid. Can’t feel my lips anymore. Need to wipe my arse with a snowcone.

Chili 7 Susan’s screaming Sensation Chili
Judge 1”” A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I would not feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, thye will know what killed me. I‘ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful.Screw it I am not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili 8 Tommy’s Toe Nail Curling Chili
Judge 1 –The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 –This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

 

[RichKid]

Try this for some great photos and captions, for those into heavy rigs and mining toys: http://www.minebox.com/pic.asp

 

[Strw23]

A Bear and a Rabbit were both having a **** in the forest. The Bear turned to the Rabbit

"Do you have problems with **** sticking to you fur?"

"No" said the Rabbit

So the Bear wiped his **** with the Rabbit

 

[twojacks28]

loved it sam!!!!! lol nice and simple however effective

 

[professor_frink]

Q:what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob

Q: what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell

Q:What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bbq?
Aatty

Q:What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
A: Dusty

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
A:Skip

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
A:Matt

Q:What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
A:Jack

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
A: Doug

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
A: Douglas

Q:What do you call a cat with no legs?
A: Dogfood

Q:What do you call a dog with no legs?
A:It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

Q:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
A:Bud

 

[RichKid]

Nice on frinko,

Pilot Joke

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is only 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles, looking for a landmark. After an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window, "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies, "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and makes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers are relieved, and ask the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless. Therefore, that must have been the Microsoft Excel support office. I know that, from there, the airport is three minutes away on a heading of 87 degrees." http://j-walk.com/ss/jokes/pilot.htm

Now isn't that the truth?? Reminds me of Comsec support (although the tech dvlpt team are a bit better).

 

[RichKid]

Warning - please don't read on if you are easily offended.

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS​

..........

Sam (aka "banned"),
that has got to be one of the funniest things I've read, I didn't know ol' Chuck was the subject of such wrath, did they mention the size of his belt buckle in there? Loved the one liners too, bet you keep your mates in stitches for hours, just this thread alone makes ASF worthwhile imo....You're giving Fleeta and baglimit a run for their money as 'resident comedian' on ASF!!

 

[RichKid]

.............
5. &n Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
......

Yes, very typical to try and teach science via politics (or vice versa?), you end up not learning anything properly- a public policy? Maybe we should have a similar joke for the evolution of English too...

 

[GreatPig]

Q:what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

...hanging on a wall?
A: Art

And in a slightly different vein:

Q: What do you call a man with ten rabbits up his bum?
A: Warren

GP

 

[RichKid]

----
2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?--------

emmm, generally it's: Cujus Est Solum Ejus Est Usque Ad Coelum Et Ad Inferos
"To whomsoever the soil belongs, he owns also to the sky and to the depths", but there are many exceptions nowadays (mineral rights, air space, space). I'll leave it to Wayne to explain the exact latin.... Sorry to make this a serious post!!

 

[professor_frink]

And one more for GP!

Q: What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
A: Kurt n' Rod

And finally, my sister's fav(and possibly the worst joke of all time!)
Q: what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: a carrot.
So bad it's good

 

[yogi-in-oz]

..... stolen from another trading forum .....

-----

Young Kenny, a hillbilly who moved to Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But the next day he
drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news,
the donkey died.'

Kenny replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Kenny said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'

Kenny said , 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Kenny said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Kenny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00.'

The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?'

Kenny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

-----

happy days

yogi

 

[keebab]

For the Bond fans

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives the woman a quick glance and then casually takes a look at his watch.
The woman notices this and asks,

"Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies. "Q's just given me a state-of-the-art watch and I was
testing it out."

Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond coolly explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk telepathically."
The lady says, "So what's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers…" says Bond.
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing
knickers!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

 

[x2rider]

Here's one for yah

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.


Chers martin