ASF joke thread

[Julia]

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Julia

 

[Bronte]

What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McCoatup

 

[GreatPig]

What do you call a Scotsman who bounces off walls?

Rick O'Shay

 

[dutchie]

Fridays joke on Saturday morning.

havagoodweekend!

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes.
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

 

[x2rider]

Here's one to stir the pot

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

cheers Martin

 

[x2rider]

LOL

when a tourist coach passed through a small country town in Australia
one of the passengers
noticed a sheep tied to a lamppost on the corner in the main street.
"Oh that," said the guide, "that's the Recreation Centre"


Cheers Martin

 

[rub92me]

Old long joke, but still quite funny..

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

 

[bunyip]

Subject: Fw: "Air travel .... an executive proposal !"
Airline travel...
In an effort to bolster the American airline industry's decreasing
patronage and reduced corporate profits, the following strategy plan
has been proposed:
Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking strippers!
What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They
don't even serve food anymore, so what's the big loss?
The strippers would cause double, triple, perhaps quadruple the
in-flight alcohol consumption and create a "party atmosphere" in the
cabin while airborne.
And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would
soon start to fly again, hoping to see wild and naked women parading
lively about the cabin.
Muslims, as a result, would become afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women.
Hijackings and the threat of such would come to a
screeching halt, with the entire travel and airline industry
again seeing record revenues.
"Why the hell didn't President Bush think of this?"
Why do I still have to do everything myself?"

Respectfully submitted,
Bill Clinton

 

[bunyip]

Four men meet early each Sunday morning to play golf. One of them gets a job transfer to a new city. Next Sunday his three mates are going around the course and discussing who they can get to replace their mate.
A woman golfer overhears them and asks if she can join their group. They're a bit dubious about having a woman in their group but they agree to let her play with them next Sunday to see if they get along with her.
She says 'Great, I'll be here at 7AM next Sunday.
Next Sunday she plays with the men and they get along famously with her. Not only that, but they find she's an excellent player. She plays left handed and breaks the course record.
Naturally they invite to play with them again next Sunday morning.
Again she says 'Great, I'll see you at 7AM next Sunday.
Next Sunday she again proves to be great company, and she plays another sizzling round of golf. This time she plays right handed instead of left handed, and breaks the course record again.
So she becomes a regular in this group of three men. Sometimes she plays left handed, sometimes right handed, and always plays well.
One day one of the men asks her how she decides whether to play left handed or right handed.
"Well", she says, "it's like this. My husband always sleeps in the nude. Every Sunday morning just before I head for the golf course, I pull back the bed covers and look at his member. If it's pointing to the left I play left handed. If it's pointing to the right I play right handed".
One of the men asks her "How about if it's pointing straight up in the air"?
The woman smiles and says "In that case I'll be here at 7.30 instead of 7AM."

 

[noirua]

The jogger shock: http://video.aol.co.uk/video-funny/1716060

 

[blueroo]

Queenslander...

A Queenslander is drinking in a New South Wales Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "Isnt that normal in NSW?? That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says........

"Had him circumcised!"

 

[Julia]

Thanks, Blueroo, still laughing.

Julia

 

[mswiggs]

http://grouper.com/video/MediaDetails.aspx?id=497932&ml=o=7&fk=gay+bar&fx=&

 

[nioka]

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dog fight. They would give each other 5 years to breed the worlds best fighting dog and who evers dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the worlds meanest dobermans and mated them to the meanest of wolves.When the day of the big fight arrived Uncle Sam showed up with the strangest looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up the Dachshund came out of it's cage and waddled towards Osama's dog who snarled, leaped out of it's cage and charged the american dog - but when it got close the dachshund opened it's mouth and swallowed Osama's dog whole.Osams said "WE don't understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years breeding the meanest dogs to the meanest wolves." Uncle Sam said "That's nothing,we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog".

 

[macca]

Earl was 95 and lived in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner
Earl would go to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder
his accomplishments through his long life. One evening Mildred, 87,
wandered into the garden.
They began to chat, and before they knew it, several hours had passed.
After a short lull in conversation, Earl turned to Mildred and asked,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
"What?"
Earl replied, "Having sex."
Mildred exclaimed, "Why you old fool, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"
"I know, but it would be nice just to have a woman hold it."
"Well, I can oblige you that," said Mildred as she gently unzipped his
trousers, removed his manhood, and sat there and held it.
They continued to secretly meet each h night ! in the garden, where
they would sit and talk, and Mildred would hold Earl's member in her
hand. Then one night Earl didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred looked for Earl to make sure he was OK. She walked
around the home, and finally found him sitting by the swimming pool
with another resident, Ethyl, who was holding Earl's manhood.
Furious, Mildred shouted, "You two-timing old creep... what does Ethel
have that I don't?!"
Earl smiled and replied, "Parkinson's.

 

[2020hindsight]

Then there was the one about the inmate of the asylum who escaped through a window in the laundry - on the way through, he had his way with a couple of the women who worked there. Next day the newspaper headlines read "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"

 

[nioka]

Two men in the post-op ward at a country hospital. One asked the other what he had done as he seemed to be in a lot of pain. His ward mate said "castration". "Gee", said the other, " no wonder you are in pain, I feel sore enough and I was only circumsized"

"Bloody hell" said the first " that was the word I meant to use."

 

[2020hindsight]

Then there was the one about the inmate of the asylum who escaped through a window in the laundry - on the way through, he had his way with a couple of the women who worked there. Next day the newspaper headlines read "NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS"

Then there was the OTHER one about the dwarf clairvoyant who escaped from jail - Next day the newspaper headlines read
"SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE !!" (ok ok ok - its not that funny - BUT at least it's clean !!! )

 

[2020hindsight]

Lol, my friend relates this story :- A lady walks up to him- never seen her before - a complete stranger - and asks him "what's better than a rose on your piano?" .. "tulips on your organ" ...and just as quickly disappears. - Like two ships passing in the night lol.

 

[bunyip]

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts but never listening to them.