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- 21 December 2004
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- Joined
- 27 January 2005
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Subject: TRUE TRUE
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY... If you read this without laughing
out loud, there is something wrong with you . This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 25yrs ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called
the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of
coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY... If you read this without laughing
out loud, there is something wrong with you . This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 25yrs ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called
the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of
coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My
legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. Belinda's voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me
on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic
little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
- Joined
- 5 August 2004
- Posts
- 1,996
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- 0
BLONDE JOKE
A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to First Class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and
she will have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this
blonde girl that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He walks back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney"
A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to First Class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and
she will have to return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and
I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this
blonde girl that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He walks back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney"
- Joined
- 5 August 2004
- Posts
- 1,996
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- 0
And on a different note...
Princess
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and
drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be just super".
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, b****."
Princess
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by a gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and
drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be just super".
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, b****."
- Joined
- 15 November 2004
- Posts
- 53
- Reactions
- 1
A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage
here in our country.
There's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in the
Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A.
Our dipsticks are located in Canberra
here in our country.
There's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in the
Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A.
Our dipsticks are located in Canberra
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
- Joined
- 30 July 2005
- Posts
- 1,525
- Reactions
- 1
We have just lost the flag (WCE) and now this.....
BILLY was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy. "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."
BILLY was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy. "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."
- Joined
- 27 January 2005
- Posts
- 392
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- 0
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cream Donuts. Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes," and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles."
They gained 10 pounds. Satan smiled.
Then God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair.
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them and Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-IslandDressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fries and steak so big it needed its own platter.
Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. Instead, Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. Man gained more pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. Satan created McDonald's and its $1.50 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied"Yes! And super size them!" Satan said "it is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the Queensland Health System.
Thought for the day ..........
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a larger elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutelyno recollection of what to do with them............
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Cream Donuts. Satan said "You want chocolate with that?" and Man said "Yes," and Woman said "and while you're at it add some sprinkles."
They gained 10 pounds. Satan smiled.
Then God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair.
Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them and Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-IslandDressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken and fries and steak so big it needed its own platter.
Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and said "It is good." Satan created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. Instead, Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. Man gained more pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. Satan created McDonald's and its $1.50 double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied"Yes! And super size them!" Satan said "it is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the Queensland Health System.
Thought for the day ..........
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a larger elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutelyno recollection of what to do with them............
Julia
In Memoriam
- Joined
- 10 May 2005
- Posts
- 16,986
- Reactions
- 1,973
canny said:
Canny
Thanks for a good laugh - really funny. Only tempered by the scary truth contained in the joke
Julia
brerwallabi
The Oracle
- Joined
- 5 July 2004
- Posts
- 1,039
- Reactions
- 780
Considerate or what?
It is important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain
the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some
are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Kerrie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Kerrie
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the
same time she gets home from work. Although she
knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake
me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally
have lunch in the Men's Grill at the RSL club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the
table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean
themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now
and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way
I support Kerrie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration
is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because
of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other...
Signed,
Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday July 26.
He was found with an extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Screw Driver II rammed up his backside, with only 2
inches of grip showing...
His wife Kerrie was arrested, but the all-woman Jury
accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down
on it very suddenly.
It is important for men to remember that, as women
grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain
the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some
are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Kerrie. When I took "early
retirement" last year, it became necessary for Kerrie
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf course about the
same time she gets home from work. Although she
knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake
me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally
have lunch in the Men's Grill at the RSL club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home cooked grub when I hit that door...
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the
table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean
themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way
she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now
and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I
mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she
may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way
I support Kerrie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration
is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because
of this article,
I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each
other...
Signed,
Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly Thursday July 26.
He was found with an extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Screw Driver II rammed up his backside, with only 2
inches of grip showing...
His wife Kerrie was arrested, but the all-woman Jury
accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down
on it very suddenly.
This is a joke that I heard from my colleague.
It was about the boss of W$cro5oft, Bill $ates. The story is started when Bill $ates died, he went to the heaven. He was living in a very very very small house. Guess what, he was not happy. One day, he saw another guy in the heaven living in a big castle. He went to see God and asked "Why that guy can live in a big castle and I only live in such a small place?". God said to him "Go to ask that man what he did before".
Bill $ates went to that castle and ask that man "Could you tell me what you did before, sir?". That guy said "I was the captain of 'Titanic'". Bill $ates went to see God again and said "He is only the captain of 'Titanic'. I was the boss of a company which made the world's most popular software". Then, God said to Bill $ates "At least, 'Titanic' only crashed once"
It was about the boss of W$cro5oft, Bill $ates. The story is started when Bill $ates died, he went to the heaven. He was living in a very very very small house. Guess what, he was not happy. One day, he saw another guy in the heaven living in a big castle. He went to see God and asked "Why that guy can live in a big castle and I only live in such a small place?". God said to him "Go to ask that man what he did before".
Bill $ates went to that castle and ask that man "Could you tell me what you did before, sir?". That guy said "I was the captain of 'Titanic'". Bill $ates went to see God again and said "He is only the captain of 'Titanic'. I was the boss of a company which made the world's most popular software". Then, God said to Bill $ates "At least, 'Titanic' only crashed once"
brerwallabi
The Oracle
- Joined
- 5 July 2004
- Posts
- 1,039
- Reactions
- 780
Seeing its Grand Final Time in the real game, thought I would recall this gem.
"A True Aussie Bloke"
A man had great tickets for the Grand Final.(NRL of course)
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is
sitting in the seat next to him.
No", he says. "The seat is empty".
“That is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
Would have a seat like this for the Grand Final - the biggest
sporting event, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got
married."
“Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't
you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a
neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
"A True Aussie Bloke"
A man had great tickets for the Grand Final.(NRL of course)
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is
sitting in the seat next to him.
No", he says. "The seat is empty".
“That is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
Would have a seat like this for the Grand Final - the biggest
sporting event, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got
married."
“Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't
you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a
neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
RichKid
PlanYourTrade > TradeYourPlan
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Brer, that's a top joke, your last one!! Hard to beat.
Heard this about the Wallabies coach Eddie Jones recently after his recent misadventures:
------
Q: What's the difference between Eddie Jones and an arsonist?
A: An arsonist wouldn't lose his last seven matches.
------
btw, that was 'six matches' when I first heard it, let's hope it doesn't get much worse!
Heard this about the Wallabies coach Eddie Jones recently after his recent misadventures:
------
Q: What's the difference between Eddie Jones and an arsonist?
A: An arsonist wouldn't lose his last seven matches.
------
btw, that was 'six matches' when I first heard it, let's hope it doesn't get much worse!
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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
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apologies before the gag here.
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies "sorry, we don't serve food in here"
boom boom!
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies "sorry, we don't serve food in here"
boom boom!
GreatPig
Pigs In Space
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I don't know how this will read, but it was funny when I heard it said
A man is at a party and meets a pair of Siamese twins, joined at the hip. The two young women are absolutely gorgeous, and after spending some time talking to them, takes them back to his flat for the night.
He spends a long time making passionate love to the first twin, while the second recites erotic poetry accompanying herself on his old ukulele. Later he rolls over and starts making love to the second twin. The first twin sees his trombone beside the bed and starts playing Dixieland jazz on it while the man is occupied with the other twin.
Eventually the night comes to an end and the twins leave.
A year later, the same Siamese twins are walking down a street and recognise it as the street where the man had his flat. The first twin says to the second:
"Hey, there's Jack's place. Do you think we should go in and say hello?"
The second twin replies:
"Oh... I don't know, it could be a bit awkward. Do you think he'll remember us?"
A man is at a party and meets a pair of Siamese twins, joined at the hip. The two young women are absolutely gorgeous, and after spending some time talking to them, takes them back to his flat for the night.
He spends a long time making passionate love to the first twin, while the second recites erotic poetry accompanying herself on his old ukulele. Later he rolls over and starts making love to the second twin. The first twin sees his trombone beside the bed and starts playing Dixieland jazz on it while the man is occupied with the other twin.
Eventually the night comes to an end and the twins leave.
A year later, the same Siamese twins are walking down a street and recognise it as the street where the man had his flat. The first twin says to the second:
"Hey, there's Jack's place. Do you think we should go in and say hello?"
The second twin replies:
"Oh... I don't know, it could be a bit awkward. Do you think he'll remember us?"
RichKid
PlanYourTrade > TradeYourPlan
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Heard about this recently, it was traced out by finger on a dusty beam at a construction site, no doubt by one of the workmen:
"I wish my girl was this dirty"
apologies to anyone who's offended, a clever little line.
"I wish my girl was this dirty"
apologies to anyone who's offended, a clever little line.
wayneL
VIVA LA LIBERTAD, CARAJO!
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Aussie Funny Forums
Things I have notice while watching movies........
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Things I have notice while watching movies........
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
wayneL
VIVA LA LIBERTAD, CARAJO!
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- 9 July 2004
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Re: Aussie Funny Forums
The following is an update on international military readiness and posturing again terroristic threats:
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in World War II when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capacity.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly' and Excitedlyto 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.
The German also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.
The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is the headquarters of NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The following is an update on international military readiness and posturing again terroristic threats:
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in World War II when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capacity.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly' and Excitedlyto 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.
The German also increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.
The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is the headquarters of NATO pulling out of Brussels.
wayneL
VIVA LA LIBERTAD, CARAJO!
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Re: Aussie Funny Forums
:headshake
:headshake
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Re: Aussie Funny Forums
Quiet day mate?
Quiet day mate?
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