tech/a
No Ordinary Duck
- Joined
- 14 October 2004
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- 6,342
Ever wondered what gets said between the Control Tower and the Cockpit. Apologies for the Basil Fawlty humour.
Read on!
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 1247"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
END
Read on!
While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 1247"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
END
malh786
I'd rather be racing
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The Top 10 ways you know your a hopeless procrastinator:
1.
1.
RichKid
PlanYourTrade > TradeYourPlan
- Joined
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This is turning out to be one of my favourite threads on ASF, must be my sense of humour!! Those last few posts were tops, I liked the Frankfurt jokes tech/a!
Not sure if this link to a short movie counts as a joke, but if you are not laughing at the end of it you must work for Monsanto!!
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
http://www.themeatrix.com (a bit shorter and more serious)
Remember to turn up the volume!! A broadband connection is best.
Not sure if this link to a short movie counts as a joke, but if you are not laughing at the end of it you must work for Monsanto!!
http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html
http://www.themeatrix.com (a bit shorter and more serious)
Remember to turn up the volume!! A broadband connection is best.
"I checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely
so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It
was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her, well
you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll
give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9
so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when your calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It
was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her, well
you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll
give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag
of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on,
cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.
Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9
- Joined
- 23 March 2005
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- 1,943
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- 1
one for the lads out there....
23things that make you feel like much more of a man.....
1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - Another free kick for Scott West? A Barry Hall tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish.
Noisy destruction = MAN.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt??" "Nahhhh."
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When sheilas have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrrrr, what does it look like?"
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past," it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - especially ones slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! "How about that Stewy? I kick so hard I set off car alarms."
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork crackling.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, Mitre 10 would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT $600 FROM AN ATM- okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike sheilas, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Kings Head it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Oh nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, girl?"
23things that make you feel like much more of a man.....
1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - Another free kick for Scott West? A Barry Hall tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish.
Noisy destruction = MAN.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt??" "Nahhhh."
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When sheilas have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrrrr, what does it look like?"
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past," it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - especially ones slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! "How about that Stewy? I kick so hard I set off car alarms."
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork crackling.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, Mitre 10 would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT $600 FROM AN ATM- okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike sheilas, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Kings Head it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Oh nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, girl?"
tech/a
No Ordinary Duck
- Joined
- 14 October 2004
- Posts
- 20,408
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- 6,342
Bloody beeudifull mate!!
Dont forget putting out your fag with a pinch from fore finger to thumb.
Going to the footy by yourself.
Backing the trailer in one go.
Going to Bunnings --- because you can.
Hogging the remote.
Getting home very late from a boyz night out.Better still not getting home.
Having a Shane Warne pinup in your bedroom---what a guy!
You only order pints.---of anything!
You use words no one can understand--even you!
Dont forget putting out your fag with a pinch from fore finger to thumb.
Going to the footy by yourself.
Backing the trailer in one go.
Going to Bunnings --- because you can.
Hogging the remote.
Getting home very late from a boyz night out.Better still not getting home.
Having a Shane Warne pinup in your bedroom---what a guy!
You only order pints.---of anything!
You use words no one can understand--even you!
RichKid
PlanYourTrade > TradeYourPlan
- Joined
- 18 June 2004
- Posts
- 3,031
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- 5
sam76 said:
Have to hand it to you for that one Sam! bout time you got yourself a blokey avatar- maybe a pic of a pint or ute will do? While we're on the topic, it's a shame they don't make the beer ads the way they used to.
- Joined
- 12 April 2005
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- 0
sam76 said:
I do believe the F1's have a reverse gear, its not used much and can't be in the pit lane or track
But I stand to be corrected
tech/a
No Ordinary Duck
- Joined
- 14 October 2004
- Posts
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- 6,342
When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked.
However, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone
could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.
For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
our bed. However, today the temptation was to o much and I gave in.
But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your
behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen
and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.
A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"
Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."!!!!
box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their years of marriage, Simone had never looked.
However, recently, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box,
she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Simone
could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.
For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
our bed. However, today the temptation was to o much and I gave in.
But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your
behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen
and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their
peace.
A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"
Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."!!!!
- Joined
- 23 March 2005
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Q: How do so many traders make a small fortune on the market?
A: Start with a large one!
A: Start with a large one!
- Joined
- 23 November 2004
- Posts
- 3,974
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- 850
Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
and one of my favourites:
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...
and one of my favourites:
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
RichKid
PlanYourTrade > TradeYourPlan
- Joined
- 18 June 2004
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- 3,031
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- 5
Thought I'd share a blonde joke, more are sure to follow, let's just keep em clean. Enjoy!
Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"
Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blond moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"
Here is naughty one:
A man went to a tattoo shop and said to the dealer:
I`ll give you 1000 Dollars if you tattoo a 100 Dollar bill on my penus...
The dealer: Why in heavens name would you want something like that?
The man: Well for 3 reasons...
First; I love playing with my money.
Second; I love to see it grow.
Third; While I know that my wife blows out a hundred bucks every day, I thought she could try it out on me... :bananasmi
A man went to a tattoo shop and said to the dealer:
I`ll give you 1000 Dollars if you tattoo a 100 Dollar bill on my penus...
The dealer: Why in heavens name would you want something like that?
The man: Well for 3 reasons...
First; I love playing with my money.
Second; I love to see it grow.
Third; While I know that my wife blows out a hundred bucks every day, I thought she could try it out on me... :bananasmi
Numa Numa by Gary Brolsma
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php
Flash videos - requires broadband. There are quite a few funny ones if you want more: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php
Flash videos - requires broadband. There are quite a few funny ones if you want more: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com
wayneL
VIVA LA LIBERTAD, CARAJO!
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Once upon a time a great sporting team took all before it.
In recent times the media wrote that no one would ever get near them.
And then they travelled to a foreign land far away to defend their most treasured prize and.....................................................................
In recent times the media wrote that no one would ever get near them.
And then they travelled to a foreign land far away to defend their most treasured prize and.....................................................................
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