ASF joke thread

[Absolutely]

One doing the rounds at the moment. Apologies to our asian friends.

CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as herhusband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "Mydarring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berryfrighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I doanyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" hesays, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopeswill impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (andeagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls...
Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually,in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"

 

[2020hindsight]

absolutely - good one lol - then there was the aussie equivalent ...
bloke meets a girl in bar in outback - takes her home, she suggests a 69.
Has to explain it to him because he's never tried it.
Anyway, she has a flatulence problem this particular night, and after a couple of attempts he jumps up and storms out - saying -
"You've gotta be kidding lady!! I mean, I've never tried this 69 thing before, but no ways am I sticking around for another 67 of them!"

 

[BIG BWACULL]

absolutely - good one lol - then there was the aussie equivalent ...
bloke meets a girl in bar in outback - takes her home, she suggests a 69.
Has to explain it to him because he's never tried it.
Anyway, she has a flatulence problem this particular night, and after a couple of attempts he jumps up and storms out - saying -
"You've gotta be kidding lady!! I mean, I've never tried this 69 thing before, but no ways am I sticking around for another 67 of them!"

SUPER LOL LOL LOL :beat:

 

[BIG BWACULL]

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

 

[dutchie]

Hey BIG BWACULL

My names John and I'm going to Amsterdam in September.

Can you tell me where that nudist colony is because I have the same problem and I want to make sure I don't go there.

Cheers

Dutchie

 

[Jockstar73]

A guy walks into an army disposal store and says to the guy behind the counter "Hey do you have any camouflage pants"

And the guy replies "yeah we do, but stuffed if I can find them"

 

[black_bird2]

http://skippyslist.com/?page_id=3

 

[2020hindsight]

Spike Milligan
lol - what an idiot

 

[BIG BWACULL]

Spike Milligan
lol - what an idiot

Bloody idiot lol

The Evolution of Shark Intelligence...

 

[2020hindsight]

lol - you and those blonde jokes.
Mind you - there's a moral to that cartoon -
like .... if a wolf wants to creep up on Red Riding Hood's granma - presumably it pretends it's a wolf pretending to be Red Riding Hood pretending to be a wolf?

http://www.june29.com/HLP/lang/pidgin.html

what was that Lert posted back there ....
https://www.aussiestockforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=196287&highlight=lik#post196287

bikpela welpela dok e wankain (same same?) lik lik red pela hat e wankain bikpela welpela dok , e hukim olpela grey mari

bit of bullsh1t at the end the day - coming into happy hour lol

imi kamap long hamamas aua :bier:

(at least after I drive home lol)

good - gut, gutpela
good afternoon - apinun
good day - gude, yu stap
good morning - moning
good night - gut nait
good worker - man bilong wok

gossip about - tok baksait
grandparent(s) - tumbuna
grapes - ol pikinini bilong rop wain
greet - tok gude
group - lain
grow - gro
guard (vb) - sambai long
guest - pasindia
buy - baim
guidebook - buk em i soim rot
inside of - insait long

So Joe could say to new arrivals .. something like

"apinun, pasindia, kam insait long haus he tok baksait trading .. baim buk em i soim gutpela rot"

 

[2020hindsight]

"apinun, pasindia, kam insait long haus he tok baksait trading .. baim buk em i soim gutpela rot"

talk - tok, toktok
talk about - toktok long
talkative person - man bilong toktok
tall - long
tall tale - tok gumi
exhaust pipe - eksospaip
throw away - rausim, troimweim
behave oneself - stap isi , stap gut
behaviour, manner - pasin
behind - bihain long
believe - bilip, bilipim

"emi tok tok eksospaip bilong bulla-ma-cow, emi nogot strap isi, emi nogot gudpela pasin , .... mi rousim!, yupela bilipim mi tru"

 

[greenfs]

There was a magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.
The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squawk, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.
Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to be rid of it.
Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.
"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"

 

[Edwood]

Little johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad
giving his mum one.. His dad smirks & throws a pillow at the
door saying " get outta here you little sh"t"
a couple of hours later dad hears a commotion coming from
johnnys bedroom.. he goes up to find johnny giving his grandma
one... johnny smiles....." not so funny when its your mum is it.. ? "

 

[Woodchips]

Bloke comes home to his wife with a big bunch of flowers in his hand. His wife rolls her eyes and says: "OK, so now I suppose you want me to spread my legs for you?".
Confused the bloke replies: "Why?... Don't you have a vase?"

WC

 

[2020hindsight]

like that ad they used to have for Leggos...

"Does YOUR husband come home tired and depressed after a day at the office ... well then ... cheer him up ... do what hundreds of wives are doing .. open up the Leggos ! and.... etc

 

[disarray]

what did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

cancer

 

[2020hindsight]

what do they call a kangaroo that gets higher than its mates ?
Joey

 

[Edwood]

what did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for christmas?

cancer

:bad: not funny

 

[spooly74]

Lighter side

 

[2020hindsight]

so there's a train going from Moscow to Vladivostok,
in one of the carriages sit two peope , facing each other a metre of so between them in one of the logues - a gentleman and a lady.

the trip across the wastelands of Russia and Siberia takes three days. they watch the snow outside , and nothing said for almost the entire first day .

then mid afternoon the man reaches out and touches the lady toget her attention. He says in a slow deliberate voice " I .. like.. your.. hat"

"why zank you" says the lady slightly bushing.

then about mid afternoon on the second day he reaches out again , gets her attention, and says , again very carefully " I ... like.. your.. scarf.."

"why zank you" more blushing.

then on the third day - and only about 3 hours out of Vladivostok by this stage - he reaches out , gets her attention... " Enough.. of .. zis .. small.. talk... let's .. **** ". (party? go for a walk? I never did see the real word there. )

here's youtube of the song of the vulgar boatman to set the mood
actually I saw this blokes face while going through some russian music youtubes, and I recalled this joke.

Volga boat song (Les bateliers de la Volga) -- Yvan Rebroff