ASF joke thread

[2020hindsight]

Due to a mixup, Luciano Pavarotti goes to Hell.
but the Devil sends him up to Heaven (where he obviously belongs btw ) , and calls out to God ..
"here's that tenor I owe you "

(caw , they don't get any weaker than that one)

 

[BIG BWACULL]

The 3 tenors are now known as 20 quid
(Just as bad )

 

[brilliantmichael]

Just one more please

We always hear “the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up; you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Nomadic tribes did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping
Cheers martin

Haha classic!

 

[2020hindsight]

lol - ripper
btw, I'm sure everyone has heard this one - but what the heck
wait for the sound track to catch up

http://humor.beecy.net/menwomen/mansong/

 

[nomore4s]

A Father asks his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds & the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me"
Confused the Father asked what was wrong.
"Oh, Dad" the boy sobbed. "When I was 6, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At 7 I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. At 8, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy speech' . If you tell me that grown ups don't have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[nomore4s]

Another one.

A little boy and his Dad are standing in line at the supermarket behind a rather large lady.
The little boy says "Hey Dad, look how fat that lady is!"
"Shhhh, quiet son she'll hear you."
"But Dad, look how big and fat she is!"
"Don't say that it's not nice!"
Then the lady's beeper goes off.
"Look out Dad, she's backing up!"

 

[Edwood]

September 2007 NEW YORK (Rooters) - Japanese Banking crisis continues on back of US Sub Prime collapse.The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal

 

[Edwood]

“$500k” Gold Digger Gets Slammed

By BankersBall on Oct 3, 2007 in Emails & Diversions, Girlfriend!
Note to all girls out there looking for/dating wealthy men: continue pretending you like them for who they are, not what they’re worth. We were forwarded an ad that appeared on CL by a proclaimed hot, young thing looking for a “middle class” guy that makes at least $500k. Below is the ad and the reply. Anon writer, claim your kudos!
Frankly I think the poster was doing a bit of trolling. And who wants to bet she got some serious responses?
””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””–
THE AD
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful
(spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.
I’m not from New York . I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind
that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don’t think
I’m overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around
200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get
me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married
to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as
I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I
get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my
feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east
side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have
nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead
gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story
there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment
banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they
hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for
MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest
way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front
about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t
able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a
nice home and hearth.
””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””–
THE RESPONSE
PostingID: 432279810
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully
about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your
bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I
see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
cr@ppy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you
suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring
my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my
money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely
that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t
be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty
hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in
earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy
and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense
to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case
you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were
to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s
as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So,
I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful”
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to
believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K
hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then
we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conersation.
With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.
Classic “pump and dump.”
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of
lease, let me know.

 

[CanOz]

Thanks for a great Friday afternoon laugh Edwood!

Cheers,

 

[BBand]

Quick lesson in Chinese?

Thats not right...................................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive.................Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP......................................Kum Hia
Stupid man.........................................Dum Fuk
Small horse.........................................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach.........................Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table......................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift......................Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here..............................Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet....................Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone..........................No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight................................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile.....................Wa Shin Ka
Great...................................................Fa Kin Su Pah

Peter

 

[2020hindsight]

The Scottish Three Kick Rule

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the left side of the lawyer's bum, .... the second to the right side - by this stage he's dropped to his knees.

When the farmer's third kick sent him three feet in the air, the lawyer almost gave up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiles and says,

"Nah, I give up, You can keep the duck. :viking:

 

[2020hindsight]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

 

[professor_frink]

Why men aren't allowed to write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Norma Melia

Dear Norma:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

 

[2020hindsight]

A gendarme in Paris last night pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.
He approached the car window and said "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser."
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action which may leave him short of breath."
The gendarme said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample."
The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."
So the officer said : "Right I need a urine sample then."
The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays rugby for Australia, please don't take the piss out of him."

 

[bigdog]

Growing Old

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

• "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
• "Two years older than me"
• "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
• She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

• "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
• She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old!

• I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
• Have bouts with dementia.
• Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
• Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
• Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

• I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
• I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
• But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

• First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
• "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
• "Why Wal-Mart?"
• "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

• Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Know how to prevent sagging?

• Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

• "For fast relief."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SENILITY PRAYER :

• Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, share this with a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Always Remember This:

• You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
• You grow old because you stop laughing.

 

[bigdog]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
: ) means a smile and
: ( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-(

Well, how about some "A_SE-ICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular a_se

(__!__) a fat a_se

(!) a tight a_se

(_*_) a sore a_se

{_!_} a swishy a_se

(_o_) an a_se that's been around

(_x_) kiss my a_se

(_X_) leave my a_se alone

(_zzz_) a tired a_se

(_E=mc2_) a smart ****

(_$_) Money coming out of his a_se

(_?_) Dumb a_se

You have just been e-mooned!

 

[BIG BWACULL]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
: ) means a smile and
: ( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-(

Well, how about some "A_SE-ICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular a_se

(__!__) a fat a_se

(!) a tight a_se

(_*_) a sore a_se

{_!_} a swishy a_se

(_o_) an a_se that's been around

(_x_) kiss my a_se

(_X_) leave my a_se alone

(_zzz_) a tired a_se

(_E=mc2_) a smart ****

(_$_) Money coming out of his a_se

(_?_) Dumb a_se

You have just been e-mooned!

I just thought of one (_????_)A Real big dumb ar_e
Speaking of which

Speeding Ticket
A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

[doctorj]

Real personal ad posted in New York.........Female seeking Male with reply from Male !!!!!!
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board?
Any wives?
Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
-Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
-Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER


Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year.
That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity....in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest.. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out.
It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

 

[nioka]

A duck walked into a bar; "got any grapes" said the duck. "No' Said the barman. The duck left.
The next day the duck walked into the same bar, got the same answer and left.
The following day the duck walked into the bar and asked the same question. " do you have any grapes?". The barman was getting a bit tired of this. " I don't have any grapes. I had no grapes yesterday or the day before. I won't have any grapes tomorrow and if you come in here and ask for some I'll nail your feet to the floor." he said.
The next day the duck returned and said to the barman "do you have any nails. The barman answered "No".
The duck said "do you have any grapes? "
(Compliments of an 8 year old relative. There is hope for the next generation. It got us off politics.)

 

[BIG BWACULL]

Blonde Coffee Drinker

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''

The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''