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ASF joke thread

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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!" :eek:
 
A duck walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bar tender looks at him in amazement and say's "Your a duck!"

The duck casually replies "Well thats very observant of you, now can I get a beer or what?"

The bar tender keeps looking at him stunned "But you can talk!?!"

The duck replies a bit impatiently "Well it appears your ears are working too then, now how about that beer 'eh?"

The bar tender shakes his head and wanders off and grabs a beer for the duck.

Anyway over the next couple of weeks the bar tender gets used to the talking duck who becomes a bit of a regular visitor.

One day the circus is in town and the ring leader from the circus comes into the bar for a beer. The bar tender says to him: "You know - we've got a duck that comes into this bar sometimes - he can talk and he drinks beer!".

The ring leader is amazed and say's to the bar tender that if the duck comes in again send him down to the circus because he might have a job for him.

Anyway the next night the duck come's into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bar tender say's to him "you know the ring leader from the circus down the road was in here the other night and say's he might have a job for you".


The duck looks at the bar tender a bit quizzically and scratches his chin.
"hmmm ... I wonder what the circus would have for a plasterer?".
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday and

there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself : 'These buggers have lost the plot.'

:rolleyes:

Sorry, that was bad!!!! .... but I liked it! :p:
 
doctorj said:
Real personal ad posted in New York.........Female seeking Male with reply from Male !!!!!!
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board?
Any wives?
Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
-Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
-Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER


Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year.
That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity....in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest.. By 35 stick a fork in you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out.
It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.
So,
I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
Click to expand...

laughing my ar$e off!!! classic!!!
 
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks" What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were doing 75 in a 50 zone."
Man: " No sir I was doing only 55"
Wife: "Oh, Harry you were doing at least 80." ( Man gives wife a dirty look).
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for a broken tail light".
Man: "Broken tail light. I didn't know I had a broken tail light".
Wife: " Oh Harry you know it's been broken for weeks". (Man gives wife another dirty look).
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing a seat belt".
Man: Oh I just took it off as you were walking up to the car".
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt".

The man turns to his wife and shouts " SHUT YOUR BLOODY MOUTH"

The officer turns to the woman and asks " Ma'am, does your husband often talk to you like that".

"Oh no" she replied. "Only when he's drunk".
 
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE;(SUPPOSEDLY A TRUE STORY).

George Phillips of the Gold Coast was going to bed when his wife told him he had left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does that sound familiar.)
George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police who asked" is someone in the house?" and he said "no". Then they told him that all patrols were busy, that he should stay in the house and lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay", hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within 5 minutes three police cars, an armed response unit and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red handed.One of the police said to George : "I thought you said you had shot them!"
George said, " I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I love it. DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!
 
nioka said:
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks" What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were doing 75 in a 50 zone."
Man: " No sir I was doing only 55"
Wife: "Oh, Harry you were doing at least 80." ( Man gives wife a dirty look).
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for a broken tail light".
Man: "Broken tail light. I didn't know I had a broken tail light".
Wife: " Oh Harry you know it's been broken for weeks". (Man gives wife another dirty look).
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing a seat belt".
Man: Oh I just took it off as you were walking up to the car".
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt".

The man turns to his wife and shouts " SHUT YOUR BLOODY MOUTH"

The officer turns to the woman and asks " Ma'am, does your husband often talk to you like that".

"Oh no" she replied. "Only when he's drunk".
Click to expand...

The wife wasn't blonde by any chance. :rolleyes:

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE;(SUPPOSEDLY A TRUE STORY).

George Phillips of the Gold Coast was going to bed when his wife told him he had left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does that sound familiar.)
George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police who asked" is someone in the house?" and he said "no". Then they told him that all patrols were busy, that he should stay in the house and lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay", hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within 5 minutes three police cars, an armed response unit and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red handed.One of the police said to George : "I thought you said you had shot them!"
George said, " I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I love it. DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!
Click to expand...

No that's proctive thinking... like they say, don't get mad, get even. :D
 
nioka said:
"hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within 5 minutes three police cars, an armed response unit and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red handed.One of the police said to George : "I thought you said you had shot them!"
George said, " I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I love it. DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!
Click to expand...

Yeah typicall of the police here, you'd probably still get done for making a false report
 
For Christmass, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $280,000 mortgage & no bike!
__________________
 
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog food at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet
again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here, that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, big guy who was
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and scratching myself, when a
car hit me !
 
That's funny. Is it true? You really said that? It would be a justifiable response to someone who asked if you had a dog when you were buying dog food.

On a more serious note, heard today about a dog who found an open bag of cement powder and had a good lick of it (god knows why), then proceeded to have a drink of water. The cement set hard in his stomach. He died.
Good reminder to keep such products well sealed from curious canines.
 
Hey Julia, you didn't read the other joke above the dog one?

As something of an expert exponent of conflict resolution as well as the english language, how do you suggest the father explain things to his kid?
 
Julia said:
That's funny. Is it true? You really said that? It would be a justifiable response to someone who asked if you had a dog when you were buying dog food.

On a more serious note, heard today about a dog who found an open bag of cement powder and had a good lick of it (god knows why), then proceeded to have a drink of water. The cement set hard in his stomach. He died.
Good reminder to keep such products well sealed from curious canines.
Click to expand...

No I didn't really say it, just thought it funny when sent to me,

As to cement eating dogs........What a stupid dog!!!! I have never ever thought to keep cement locked away from my dog, BUT I always make sure that I never buy meat flavored cement to be on the safe side..
 
from another forum...but thought it funny

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began

his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder

on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first

ever bass over 11 pounds when his mobile phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a

terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and

that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to

be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of

more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the

rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never

seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.

He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you'll now be her caregiver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.

She's dead. What'd you catch?"
__________________
 
Jacky Jacky was left in control of the station while the boss went to the big smoke to sort out a bit of business.

As he drove back to the front gate, the boss was surprised to see Jacky Jacky waiting there for him.
"G'day boss" he called.
(The boss thought he detected a hint of panic)

"Howdy Jacky Jacky - how did things go while I was away ?"
"well boss, there's some bad news and some good news -
"oh boy - what's the bad news Jacky-"
"ya see, boss, Blue died..."
"Blue died !! - ahhh nooo - what a great dog he was - why, what, how did that happen, Jacky?"
"well boss the horse fell on him"
"the HORSE fell on him - ahh poor old blue
but how, I mean why would the horse ..."
"well boss, he was running away from the fire
the fire !!? - what the, where when ?"
"well boss the barn caught fire and the horse bolted"
"gee whiz the BARN .. sheesh -
but how.."
"we think it was a spark from the house "
"FROM THE HOUSE - wha ...?"
(by this stage the boss is fast approaching punchdrunk with the string of revelations)
"what - why would the house burn dow.. "
"well boss one of the cadles fell over"
"candles ?? WHAT candles ??"
"the ones beside the missus coffin boss..."
"the missus - you mean the love of my life is d d dead?

"hey boss - don't take it so hard !!"
"dont take it so hard ?! - you tell me all this and you say - don't take it so..."

"but boss - look on the bright side - "
"bright side ? " he asks incredulously

"yeah boss - see - the heat from the flame made the dahlias bloom a week early !! :eek: "
 
http://homepage.eircom.net/~nobyrne/jokes1.htm
Irish Logic
One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.

"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."

"Logic" replied Mick.

"What's Logic?" said Pat.

"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!"

Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.

An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?".

Pat: "Logic!"

Shamey: "And What's Logic?"

Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?"

Shamey: "I Do!"

Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"
 

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