ASF joke thread

[Boyou]

20 20,glad you liked Socrates.Interersting stuff about the Rotarians too.
Heres another from my joke cupboard.

Cheers Ya'll

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.



EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT
HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS $50
DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS $50 DOLLARS."



A FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS SAID,
"ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT
NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."



ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS $50 DOLLARS AND $50
DOLLARS IS $50 DOLLARS."



THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE
RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU. BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S
$50 DOLLARS."



MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF
FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID
EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT,
BUT $50 DOLLARS IS $50 DOLLARS."

 

[drillinto]

There was a joke that went around about Kerry Packer dying and going to heaven, which went like this: Packer is standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting to be let in when an old man with a beard jumps the queue. Packer marches up to St. Peter who is guarding the gates to ask what the hell is going on. Oh, says St Peter, "that's God, the bloke who owns the place."
0h, yeah ? asks Packer. "Well how come he doesn't line up like everybody else ?" Ah well, says St. Peter, "we have to humour him because he's got a bit of a problem. You see, he thinks he's Kerry Packer."

in "The Rise and Rise of Kerry Packer"
by Paul Barry, Bantam Book, 1993

 

[2020hindsight]

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

 

[2020hindsight]

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

 

[BIG BWACULL]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

[BIG BWACULL]

What kind of crimnal has moral fibre?
A cereal killer

 

[BIG BWACULL]

DOH!!

 

[2020hindsight]

lol - good one as usual bwacull

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

 

[2020hindsight]

The Three Stages of a Man's life :-
1. Before Marriage
2. After Marriage
3. After Divorce

 

[2020hindsight]

pilfered a couple from another chatroom

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Breasts."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do...Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,
"I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,

"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,

"Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

Why'd the dinosaur cross the road?
Chicken's weren't invented.

Why'd the robot cross the road?
Chicken's were extinct.

one for you Bwacull

Why did the blonde purchase an AM radio?
She didn't want one for the night.

 

[BIG BWACULL]

Thanks, yeah i got a PM radio lol
Dunno if i have posted this but worth a look again anyway heh heh

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

 

[Wysiwyg]

My poor drover friend...

 

[2020hindsight]

Hello,.....and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant,please ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities,press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid,we know who you are and what you want.Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic,listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press,no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,press 96969696969696

If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.

If you have low self esteem,please hang up.All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde,don't press any buttons,you'll just screw it up.

 

[2020hindsight]

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

[Wysiwyg]

Hello,.....and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive,press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant,please ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities,press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid,we know who you are and what you want.Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic,listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press,no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,press 96969696969696

If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.

If you have low self esteem,please hang up.All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde,don't press any buttons,you'll just screw it up.

2020....I tried all those numbers and every time the message

"this call could not be connected , please try again later."

 

[LetItRide]

An american and an australian go out duck shooting on the darling river. a duck comes round the river bank, and they both fire at the same time.
AM; i done got that mother, whoop , whoop.
AUST: i think i got it.
AM: WHAT? look at my huntin' gear compared to yours. i got the best under and over shotgun, no reloads, and long don't get your feet wet waders you all ever seen. and you? a single barrelled shot gun, reloads, and a pair of thongs.
Aust: well we are in australia. lets settle this aussie style.
AM: o.k. sounds fair. what we do?
Aust: well. we kick each other in the balls. whoever stands up for the longest wins.
Am: Ok. i'm a visitor in your country, you kick first.
with that the aus. runs up and lands a beauty. the american drops to his knees, groaning in agony. with tears in his eyes, he slowly raises to his feet. "good shot there you aussie. my turn now.
to which the aussie says, "Nah. keep the duck"

 

[2020hindsight]

hey wys - see if you feel the same about personal hi-jean after this one lol.

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''
The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''
The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''

 

[2020hindsight]

dont know if anyone's done the City2Surf lately, but lol, they have these giant jars of petroleum jelly at the Ambulance pitstops - for chaffing - and everyone gets to dive in with three fingers of grease, - and hand down the trousers - liberally applied to crutch and other "nether regions" - then to the next station - another jar, another dollop
(maybe you had to be there lol)

 

[2020hindsight]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a c**k tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn c**k tail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his bestfriend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

 

[LetItRide]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!–This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police"