ASF joke thread

[Wysiwyg]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!–This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police"

Very good ride.....I would have fallen for that one.:bunny:

 

[2020hindsight]

old bloke goes to the doc for his checkup - just turned 90.

Doc asks " g'day old mate, so how are you travelling harry?"
"actually I'm a bit of a mess doc"
"ahhh.... sorry to hear that harry - what's the problem?, you having trouble peeing ?"
"oh no way, every morning at 5.30 I have this gigantic pee - plenty of pressure - could go three foot in the air"
"ok ok , well is it that you're constipated?"
"oh no way, every morning at 6.00 I have this giant bowel movement, regular as clockwork - boom"
"well I'm confused ... what's the problem then harry ?"

"well doc you see , well kinda, well...
....
well it's just that I dont wake up until 6.30 "

 

[2020hindsight]

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

lol- gotta be a classic there drmb lol

 

[nomore4s]

A man walks into a small pub and orders a beer. The barman puts a cold beer on the bar and says "that'll be 10c thanks".
The man thinks 10c, thats alright, so he decides to order a meal "I'll have your biggest T-Bone with chips and salad and another beer with it, thanks."
The barman takes his order and says "50c thanks"
"50c, what's going on here, how come everything's so cheap? Are you the owner of this place?" he asks.
The barman replies "Nah, I'm not the owner, he's upstairs doing to my wife what I'm doing to his business"

 

[2020hindsight]

One day, mother nature was walking through her nature reserve when she found god giggling to himself.

"what's so funny?" she asked, and god replied, "I just invented man!"
"Yes, so?"
"I gave him a brain!", god went on to say

Perplexed, mother nature motioned god to continue with his story.

"I gave him a pen1s!", god blurted out, trying to hold in his hysterical laughing fits.

"Look, this is all very well and good, but I fail to see whats so funny!" mother nature said in a commanding voice.

God screamed out in obvious delight of his accomplishment, 'I ONLY GAVE HIM ENOUGH BLOOD TO USE ONE AT A TIME!"

 

[2020hindsight]

OK - here's a clean one ....(to make up for the last one )

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One

----

Why did the boy throw the clock out the window ?

Cause it didnt work

(well that'll teach you to complain lol)

 

[2020hindsight]

Blonde Joke (one for bwacull) :- One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!

 

[2020hindsight]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director?," suggested his wife.

 

[2020hindsight]

...

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezes, Takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes pass. The woman again sneezes, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle.
He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare
condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.

So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and
sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so
the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do
arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the
basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright,
Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle
opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten
miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.But then, rightat that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, I'm not f***ing going.'

 

[Wysiwyg]

A Parrot Which Never Talks...


There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.

"Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file it's beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink."

The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself.

A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says "the parrots dead". Pet shop guy says "I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?".

Ex-parrot owner says "**** no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!"

 

[BIG BWACULL]

:couch
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

 

[BIG BWACULL]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

[BIG BWACULL]

There's been a lot of talk about computer games having a subliminal effect on players, affecting their behaviour in real life.
Such talk is, of course, unfounded. The most popular computer game is Pacman. If Pacman had a subliminal effect on anyone they would be running around in darkened rooms, munching on pills and listening to repetitive music.

 

[nioka]

Time to revive this thread.
A group of students were discussing who made man.
Mechanical engineering student."Must have been one of us, look at all the joints"
Electrical engineering student."No way. One of ours. Look at all the nervous system with all the electrical connections.
Chemical engineering student."Definitely a chemical engineer. Imagine all the chemical reactions taking place all the time.
The gardener had overherd all this and commented " It was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewerage drain through a recreational area."

 

[2020hindsight]

couple I found in cyber space..

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a garage sale today."

dare the blokes out there to tell this one to the missus :-

A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his
Mother, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The Mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum, and then seeks his father opinion,
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Cairns for a vacation.

When one of the fleas arrived in Cairns last year, he was shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, " Why are you shaking so badly?" The first flea said, "I rode up here from Hobart in the moustache of a guy on a motorcycle."

The other flea responded saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Hobart airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try next summer.

A year goes by.....When the first flea shows up in Cairns he is shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Hobart airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I couldn't believe it!

I was back in the moustache of a guy on a motorcycle.

Desperate for a Sunday afternoon quickie, Bill and Marla decide that the only way to distract their ten-year-old son long enough is send him out onto the balcony of their flat to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. There's a car being towed from the parking lot, he says, after few minutes. and now an ambulance is driving past. There’s a moment’s quiet, before the amorous couple hear his narration again: looks like the andersons have company, he calls out. Matt from no.8 is riding a new bike … and the Coopers are having sex. Mum and Dad shoot up in bed. How do you know that? asks Bill, startled. Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too, his son replied.

 

[springhill]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To visit his flat mate

 

[Yeti]

Apparently copper wire was invented by two Dutchmen fighting over a Penny...

 

[Wysiwyg]

Not into politics and not into voting so this could be the politician of your choice.It happens to be Howards turn but I think the end line is the funny bit.

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies, because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Howard.

"I'm sorry ...but we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down .....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries, who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there .......everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes, like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks - kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-**** joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this --I mean, Heaven has been beautiful; but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage & toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian Outback.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags......They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.....

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila.....

We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"



The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,......


"Yesterday, John, we were campaigning;... today you voted for us!"

--

 

[Woodchips]

A bear and a rabbit are out taking a crap in the woods. As they both finish, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks him "Doesn't your sh-it ever stick to your fur?"
The rabbit replies "Nope"
So the bear wipes his arrse with the rabbit.

WC

 

[BIG BWACULL]

A bear and a rabbit are out taking a crap in the woods. As they both finish, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks him "Doesn't your sh-it ever stick to your fur?"
The rabbit replies "Nope"
So the bear wipes his arrse with the rabbit.

WC

You should have substituted the rabbit for Johnny H lol