- Joined
- 20 October 2006
- Posts
- 704
- Reactions
- 0
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
A: A visitor.
- Joined
- 20 October 2006
- Posts
- 704
- Reactions
- 0
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Good Night
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Good Night
- Joined
- 28 May 2006
- Posts
- 9,985
- Reactions
- 2
ya mad Bwacull lol
good one
good one
Hi folks
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and
I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to
be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my
Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.
Cheers martin
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and
I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to
be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my
Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.
Cheers martin
- Joined
- 20 October 2006
- Posts
- 704
- Reactions
- 0
The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mum. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mum. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
- Joined
- 20 October 2006
- Posts
- 704
- Reactions
- 0
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in HIH
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in HIH
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
- Joined
- 28 August 2006
- Posts
- 78
- Reactions
- 0
Now an oldie, but still a goldie,
What do ice and Tasmanians have in common?
They both f*ck cousins!
What do ice and Tasmanians have in common?
They both f*ck cousins!
I don't get it
The drug ice maybe, I think it refers to Ben Cousins. Took me a while to get it too.
- Joined
- 20 October 2006
- Posts
- 704
- Reactions
- 0
A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secreatry. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secreatry. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
- Joined
- 20 October 2006
- Posts
- 704
- Reactions
- 0
I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception.
Thought this was suitable for the current mob
Subject: Quick Check for Alzheimer'sThe following was developed as a
>mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard
>University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
>without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do
>it! 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This
is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6.
>This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is
>busy cat. 10. This is for cat.11. This is forty cat.12. This is seconds
>cat.Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I bet'
>you cannot resist passing it on
Subject: Quick Check for Alzheimer'sThe following was developed as a >mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard
>University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
>without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do
>it! 1. This is this cat. 2. This is is cat. 3. This is how cat. 4. This
is to cat. 5. This is keep cat. 6.
>This is an cat. 7. This is old cat. 8. This is fart cat. 9. This is
>busy cat. 10. This is for cat.11. This is forty cat.12. This is seconds
>cat.Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I bet'
>you cannot resist passing it on
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
- Joined
- 30 July 2005
- Posts
- 1,525
- Reactions
- 1
Down at the pub
This young fella was down at the pub the other night,
he had already had a couple of sherbets when he noticed this good looking sort walk in,
bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by
unnoticed. So he ambled over and chatted her up with his normal suave:
"G'day - wanna midi of suds?”
Anyway, he got chatting and seemed to be getting on OK, turns out
she was 57, but nevertheless they chatted and laughed and joked a
bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you.
She asked him if he had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know,
a mother and daughter threesome. He thought to himself "Struth mate,
you've hit the jackpot here." So he said, (nonchalantly)
"Nah..never had one of them..."
So they had a couple more beers and she said
"Tonight's your lucky night!" before heading off back to her place.
She opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled
upstairs.....
"Mum, you still awake?"
This young fella was down at the pub the other night,
he had already had a couple of sherbets when he noticed this good looking sort walk in,
bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by
unnoticed. So he ambled over and chatted her up with his normal suave:
"G'day - wanna midi of suds?”
Anyway, he got chatting and seemed to be getting on OK, turns out
she was 57, but nevertheless they chatted and laughed and joked a
bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you.
She asked him if he had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know,
a mother and daughter threesome. He thought to himself "Struth mate,
you've hit the jackpot here." So he said, (nonchalantly)
"Nah..never had one of them..."
So they had a couple more beers and she said
"Tonight's your lucky night!" before heading off back to her place.
She opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled
upstairs.....
"Mum, you still awake?"
Wysiwyg
Everyone wants money
- Joined
- 8 August 2006
- Posts
- 8,428
- Reactions
- 284
And then................?
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
- Joined
- 30 July 2005
- Posts
- 1,525
- Reactions
- 1
Down at the pub
This young fella was down at the pub the other night,
he had already had a couple of sherbets when he noticed this good looking sort walk in,
bit of a stunner for someone who looked as though her 50th had slipped by
unnoticed. So he ambled over and chatted her up with his normal suave:
"G'day - wanna midi of suds?”
Anyway, he got chatting and seemed to be getting on OK, turns out
she was 57, but nevertheless they chatted and laughed and joked a
bit, even had a bit of a snog...all in good fun mind you.
She asked him if he had ever had the Sportsman's double - ya know,
a mother and daughter threesome. He thought to himself "Struth mate,
you've hit the jackpot here." So he said, (nonchalantly)
"Nah..never had one of them..."
So they had a couple more beers and she said
"Tonight's your lucky night!" before heading off back to her place.
She opened the front door, flicked on the hall light and yelled
upstairs.....
"Mum, you still awake?"
Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
- Joined
- 28 March 2007
- Posts
- 428
- Reactions
- 0
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Are you sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was ashamed and remained silent..
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Are you sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was ashamed and remained silent..
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
- Joined
- 20 October 2006
- Posts
- 704
- Reactions
- 0
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
- Joined
- 28 May 2006
- Posts
- 9,985
- Reactions
- 2
Great jokes Boyou, Bwacull, Royce, Bronte (as usual lol)
I would propose a 5th test ....
Listen open-mindedly to the story irrespective .... and then ask "Does it involve anyone I know?"
Presumably Rotarians wouldn't be interested in that news either lol.
I would propose a 5th test ....
Listen open-mindedly to the story irrespective .... and then ask "Does it involve anyone I know?"
- Joined
- 20 February 2007
- Posts
- 138
- Reactions
- 0
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well", Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
:bananasmi
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well", Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
:bananasmi
Similar threads
