ASF joke thread

[2020hindsight]

bronte
I think your jokes are disgraceful! and I cant wait till this reputation rating thing comes in, and I can post my opinion of your jokes -

and that goes double for all those other people who even suggest that there are any other positions than missionary , and ...

thought for the day .. I wonder what the Armish would call their position(s) - "genesis position?"

 

[Bronte]

You are a lot of fun 2020
Great to have you around

 

[BIG BWACULL]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

 

[BIG BWACULL]

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[BIG BWACULL]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"

 

[Bronte]

Duped
Thought this was a great read....

 

[BIG BWACULL]

SUPER LOL What a classic

 

[Captain_Chaza]

Crikey!
I just saw a 6 year old girl walk up to a footballer who had a man's tattoo on his arm and say
"He looks like the man I slept with last night!"

 

[BIG BWACULL]

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem so she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

 

[nomore4s]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in
the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf
Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

....................................................................
..

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and
try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0
update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers
3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly
Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus
in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These
are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

 

[Bronte]

Subject: Grandmas

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a Nursing Home. About then, an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandma's said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts, and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!" "How in the world did you guess?" The old Grandmas snickered and laughed, slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,
"Because we were at your birthday party yesterday!"

 

[justjohn]

Whats grey and has a trunk
A mouse going on holidays
Whats brown and has a trunk
A mouse coming home from a holiday
SORRY:

 

[BIG BWACULL]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring Pizza & Beer.

 

[Bronte]

Very funny BIG
Just had to share this one:

 

[josh82]

Q. What do you call an impotent aardvark?

A. a Vark

 

[2020hindsight]

the bushie who goes to town - meets a city girl - takes her out on first date.
she sees a mink coat - "oohhh isn't that nice" so he grabs a brick, throws it through the shop window, bang, she gets her mink "oohh thank you aren't you a sweety"

couple of shops further down " oohh isn't that a nice handbag" bang, she gets her handbag

few shops further down " oohh isn't that a nice pair of shoes"
he replies "YOu think I'm MADE of bricks !!??

 

[drillinto]

HUMOUR: New Scientist's Feedback Column
28 April 2007

Just send your bank details...

GOOD news for dupes of the infamous Nigerian spam frauds who sent money to "419" scammers but never received their promised rewards. We've been told that the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crimes Commission is going to make it up to you.

Feedback has just received a letter from one Bello Ahmed of "EFCC Prohibits Office" telling us, "The Nigeria Government has set side for your compensation for all your past efforts and attempts to assist this duped character." Just tell Ahmed all the information you used in sending money to the scammers, and the Nigerian government will give you $150,000.

In case past losses have left you wary, Ahmed thoughtfully provides a link to the commission's website,

 

[BIG BWACULL]

HE HE HA HA

 

[BIG BWACULL]

AHH CRIPES WHew lucky its only friendly fire DOH!!

 

[BIG BWACULL]

Very funny BIG
Just had to share this one:

Least its not a toadstool LOL