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what is an a-s-s?
We are Australia it should be a-r-s-e shouldn't it which is an extra 4%
We are Australia it should be a-r-s-e shouldn't it which is an extra 4%
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
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Desert Island
A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided To
take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded To
have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found
himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only
bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertwoven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As
theywalk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it
home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop
of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what
he's hearing.
"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes. Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports here"
A normal 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided To
take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded To
have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found
himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only
bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with
you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material
I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a
Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls
off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertwoven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As
theywalk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it
home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop
of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you
like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down
on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you
like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom
cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what
he's hearing.
"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his
eyes. Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports here"
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If I was 40, I would BE that man
:silly:
:silly:
A 90 yr old man went to the doctor for a check up. He was asked how he felt and replied "great I am now married to an 18 yr old and we have just come up with a new son. How is that?"
The doctor thought for a minute then said " I have a friend who was going hunting and mistakingly picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When confronted with a huge bear he pointed the umbrella at the bear and it fell down dead. What do you think about that?
The old man replied " I think someone else must have shot the bear".
Exactly said the doctor.
The doctor thought for a minute then said " I have a friend who was going hunting and mistakingly picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When confronted with a huge bear he pointed the umbrella at the bear and it fell down dead. What do you think about that?
The old man replied " I think someone else must have shot the bear".
Exactly said the doctor.
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
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THE LODGER
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you pop back from the darts and see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you pop back from the darts and see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
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Rofl, Bronte , you get some beauties , lolBronte said:"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
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Glad you enjoyed the joke 2020
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Kauri
E/W Learner
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chops_a_must
Printing My Own Money
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Q. What's the best thing about being Ben Cousins right now?
A. It's just one more sleep to go until Easter.
A. It's just one more sleep to go until Easter.
now if your the slightest bit pollitically correct i take no responsibility!
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less than his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Even my mrs found the funny side to this ( after she slapped me)!
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less than his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Even my mrs found the funny side to this ( after she slapped me)!
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TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few
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The West Coast Eagles in conjunction with thier major sponsor Hungry Jacks is proud to announce the 'Ben Cousins Meal Deal'.......
No Burger or Fries, just Coke and Ice.
No Burger or Fries, just Coke and Ice.
Realist
Billie Jean is not my lover
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NEW PAKISTAN CRICKET COACH ANNOUNCED:
Pakistan have just announced their new coach, Gladstone Small.
On introducing him to the side, Pakistan's cricket head said,
"OK, lets see if any of you blokes can choke this guy!!!"
Pakistan have just announced their new coach, Gladstone Small.
On introducing him to the side, Pakistan's cricket head said,
"OK, lets see if any of you blokes can choke this guy!!!"
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
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Beautiful Wife
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each
other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Fremantle, but I worked both sides of the river."
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each
other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Fremantle, but I worked both sides of the river."
Julia
In Memoriam
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Beautiful Wife
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each
other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Fremantle, but I worked both sides of the river."
Hey Bronte, that's funny. Thanks.
Bronte
Trading The SPI for 20+ years
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