ASF joke thread

[BIG BWACULL]

A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "That doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his A hole?"
And the zoo keeper says, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth!"

 

[misterS]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
- Sold his soul to Santa

 

[drmb]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of paracetamol, Tenormin is Atenalol, etc. The Therapeutic Goods Administration (TGA) has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts huddled out at Symonston (that's a Canberra sheep paddock), it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Royce]

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."



Royce

 

[Bronte]

The afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform

the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no

afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word

he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the

golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much

all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late

at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Perth."

 

[2020hindsight]

lol, top joke, Bronte. :bunny:
here's one that no doubt everyone has read, (and not as good as yours) but what the hek.

 

[mrWoodo]

Looking through the premiumdata website, came across their
alternative market glossary.

From there, a few I like :

Analyst recommendations: –
Strong Buy – Buy
Buy - Hold
Hold – Sell
Sell – It’s too late.

Daytrading: - an activity that takes place in between meaningful periods of employment.

Institutional investor: - someone who dumps a stock big-time, a day or two after you’ve bought it, for no apparent reason.

Zero-sum game: – a game in which the players slug it out and the broker wins.

 

[Flathead Flick]

Anyone else feel like this from time to time?

http://www.grudknows.com/inanemutterings/fs_mad_keybd.asp

 

[Royce]

A grief stricken woman walks into a veterinary clinic with a very dead parrot in her hands.

She gently lays the dead bird on an examining table in front of the vet who looks at the woman quizzically. "There is something wrong with my parrot" the woman exclaims. The vet looks at the dead parrot, and pokes it with his finger. The bird does not react. He looks at he woman who's on the verge of tears, shakes his head and says "Its dead"
"How can you be sure! All you did was poke it, perhaps it could be in a coma." The woman exclaims.

The vet rolls his eyes and walks out the back. He shortly returns leading a Labrador dog on leash, he motions the dog up onto the table with the bird. The dog sniffs the bird over and looks at the vet, lowers his ears and whines as it shakes its head.

The vet takes the dog away and comes back with a cat. Places the cat in front of the bird. The cat sniffs the bird up and down, looks at the vet, gives a short meow and shakes its head hops off the table and runs out the back.

"See!" the vet says to the woman. "Your parrot is dead."
The woman begins crying as reality dawns on her. The vet writes out the bill and gives it to the woman who quickly looks at it.

"$1500 dollars, but you didn't do anything".
The vet just looks at her and says "If you had taken my word for it, it would only cost $20 bucks, but with the lab report and cat scan....."

Royce

 

[Bronte]

Petrol

A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage." The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog
was in heat, and to come and ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later
with no dog. Surprised, her Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl says, Dad "She ran out of petrol about halfway, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[2020hindsight]

"how do you do, how do you do
"what did you say your name was again?
"Brian Bourke...
" oh shinbone - looks like I'll be resigning fist thing Monday - rats !!"

 

[Bronte]

A young blonde woman in Perth was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Narrows Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with
one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained. I get food and
free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. - "this is the Rottnest Ferry

 

[Sultan of Swing]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Sandton was recently faced with a unique problem.

Many students who were 12-year-olds were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would have to remove them and the next day they would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called them all to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show
them how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and proceeded to clean the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!!

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

 

[mrWoodo]

One for the bulls (attachment included)

 

[tech/a]

Classic

> Subject: FW: Things People Said In Court
>
>
>
>>>>These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
>>>>down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
>>>>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>>>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>>>
>>>>___________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>>>>WITNESS: July 18th.
>>>>ATTORNEY: What year?
>>>>WITNESS: Every year.
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>>>>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>>>WITNESS: I forget.
>>>>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>>>>forgot?
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>>>>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>>>>
>>>>____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: What was the first thin g your husband said to you that
>>>>morning?
>>>>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>>>>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>>>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>>>>WITNESS: We both do.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>>>WITNESS: We do.
>>>>ATTORNEY: You do?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>>>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>>>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>>>
>>>>___________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>>>>
>>>>_______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>>>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>>>WITNESS: Uh....
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>>>WITNESS: None.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>>>WITNESS: By death.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>>>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>>>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>>>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>>>>dead people?
>>>>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
>>>>go to?
>>>>WITNESS: Oral.
>>>>
>>>>______________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>>>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>>>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>>>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>>>>an autopsy on him!
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>>>WITNESS: Huh?
>>>>
>>>>_____________________________________
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>>>for a pulse?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>>>>you began the autopsy?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>>>practicing law.
>>>>
>
>
>

 

[nizar]

>>>>
>>>>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>>>for a pulse?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>>>>you began the autopsy?
>>>>WITNESS: No.
>>>>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>>>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>>>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>>>>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>>>practicing law.
>>>>
>
>
>

Gotta love that last one

 

[Bronte]

Yes, excellent tech/a
Thanks for the laugh

 

[2020hindsight]

yep - lol - gr jokes t/a, and gr8 joke of yours too Bronte - I've just had to adapt it to the Manly ferry
PS Are you sure jumping off the narrows bridge is harmful lol?

 

[imajica]

The New Maths


This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

And what makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

PLUS, look how far a.ss-kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close;

and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh.it and As.s-kissing that will put you over the top!


So, HAVE A NICE DAY AND CONTROL THAT A.SS-KISSING

 

[2020hindsight]

lol - good one, imajica
and I notice, for the big money, you need CORRUPTION - gets you almost 150% ! (149)

Also when you have a HANGOVER , yuo're at 90% - speaking of which , wish I'd sold yesterday - anyone know where I can buy a bottle of vodka for $1.50?