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ASF joke thread

The 'Four Yorkshiremen' sketch by the Monty Python team...an oldie but a goodie :D

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Yorkshireman I (Eric Idle): Very passable, this, eh? Very passable.

All: Ay, oh ay.

Yorkshireman II (Graham Chapman): Nothing like a good glass of Chbteau de Chasselet, eh, Josiah?

Yorkshireman III (Terry Jones): Oh, you're right there, Obadiah.

Yorkshireman II: Ay.

Yorkshireman I: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here drinking Chbteau de Chaselet, eh?

All: Ay, ay.

Yorkshireman IV (Michael Palin): Them days we were glad to have the price of a cup of tea.

Yorkshireman II: Ay! A cup of cold tea!

Yorkshireman IV: Ay!

Yorkshireman I: Without milk or sugar!

Yorkshireman III: Or tea!

Yorkshireman IV: In a cracked cup and all.

Yorkshireman I: Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!

Yorkshireman II: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

Yorkshireman III: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were poor.

Yorkshireman IV: Because we were poor!

Yorkshireman III: Ay!

Yorkshireman IV: My old dad used to say to me: "Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!"

Yorkshireman I: He was right!

Yorkshireman IV: Ay!

Yorkshireman I: I was happier then and I had nothing! We used to live in this tiny old tumble-down house with great big holes in the roof.

Yorkshireman II: House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, half the floor was missing, we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in the corridor!

Yorkshireman IV: Oh, we used to DREAM of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace to us! We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House, huh!

Yorkshireman I: Well, when I say "house", it was just a hole in the ground, covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us!

Yorkshireman II: We were EVICTED from our hole in the ground. We had to go and live in a lake!

Yorkshireman III: You were lucky to have a lake! There were 15 of us living in a cardboard box in the middle of the road!

Yorkshireman IV: A cardboard box?

Yorkshireman III: Ay!

Yorkshireman IV: You were LUCKY! We lived for three months in a newspaper-lined septic tank! We used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and clean the newspaper, go to work down the mill, fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home, our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

Yorkshireman II: Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hours a day at mill, for twopence a month, come home, and dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle... IF we were lucky!

Yorkshireman III: Well, of course, we had it tough! We used to have to get up out of the cardboard box in the middle of the night, and lick the road clean with our tongues! We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife!

Yorkshireman I: Right! I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill and pay mill-owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves, singing Hallelujah!

Yorkshireman IV: Oh, ay. And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you!

All: No, no they won't!
 
Hi wayneL, I'm not sure that's how a Yorkshireman speaks. Cricketer, Fred Trueman was, and Geoff Boycott is, a Yorkshireman. Very funny anyway.

A bit of Yorkshire: 'Ear all, see all, say nowt, Eat all, sup all, pay nowt,
And if ever tha' does owt fo'nowt, Allus do it fo' thi sen. Weeya'st tha bin, Gee us some spice, Oss thi sen, Gee o'er, Fancy leckin footy? Tha gret 'apeth! ! A seh, will tha gee o'er wazzin' cobs?

This one is called "Funny", so I suppose it must be: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bPMwAHdJCg&mode=related&search=
 
Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?

What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

Cheers Martin
 
Every morning at 6am, a jewish milkbar owner in Caulfield would swing open his doors, put out his sign and pick up his newspapers. He had been doing this for years open and shut ,open and shut, day in day out.. One morning he felt so disheartened with his lot in life he raised is arms at the sky and yelled out "Lord please let me win tattslotto so i can get away from all this". Of course nothing happened but every morning he kept raising his arms at the sky shouting the same request.
This went on for several months until finally one morning the clouds parted and huge voice boomed down at the little man "SON CAN YOU HELP US OUT BY BUYING A TICKET".
 
Two mates in a bar:-

Mate 1 " Seems its over I've decided to leave my wife."

Mate 2 "Why?"

Mate 1 "She hasnt spoken to me in 6 mths!!"

Mate 2 "Hell mate I'de seriously re consider ---wives like that are hard to come by!!"
 
Breeding Bulls

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,

said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow?"

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery just in time for the
divorce proceedings .
 
husband goes to doctor: "doctor doctor my wifes trying to poison me"
doctor: ''Hang on let me have a word to her and try
sort this out"
Doctor to husband : "Look i have been chatting with your wife for
the last three hours I suggest you take the
poison" :D
 
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

:D
 
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V. :banghead:
 
it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!

...now its 11:00 at the police station...

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!

...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob!
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

billy-bob: i know... and thats not my finger!!
 
Dont read this one if you are easily offended....



Why don't vampires have steady girlfriends.....?
They can only get it once a month.....:eek:
 
A grasshopper entered a bar to order a drink
The barman said to the insect "we have a drink named after you"
The grasshopper replied "what Gary'' :D
 
Subject: How to come home drunk and still get a hot breakfast

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!
He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the
bathroom light and notices a post-it on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - I Love you!!"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Sheepishly, Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."
"Okay...so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...
....'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".


Broken table - $200

Hot breakfast - $5

Red Rose bud - $3

Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!!!!
 
The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
 
Bronte said:
Subject: How to come home drunk and still get a hot breakfast

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water
on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose!
He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the
bathroom light and notices a post-it on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - I Love you!!"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Sheepishly, Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into the bedroom door."
"Okay...so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed...
....'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'".


Broken table - $200

Hot breakfast - $5

Red Rose bud - $3

Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!!!!
brilliant!!! i must try this! :D
 
Talking about valentines day and relationships, here's some absolute pearlers from an actual washington post competition asking for a 2 line rhyme with the most romantic first line , but the least romantic second line.
Well here they, be warned dont attempt this at home!! :D

- My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

- I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why i always wake up screaming.

- Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything that you are not.

- Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But i only slept with you because i was pissed!

- I thought that i could love no other.
that is until I met your brother.

- Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are
dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

- I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't dare take that paper bag off your face.

- I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

- My love, your take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

- My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

- And last but not least

- What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 
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