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ASF joke thread

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in,"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said,"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? "The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind golfers. We always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. "The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
PS - Makes you think what it would be like to be blind doesnt it ;)
 
Went to buy some camouflage trousers on the weekend.....
Couldn't find any :D
 
Here is a kazhaki joke i'll translate it for you..."There was a chair and it had legs... and it was walking down the street"... :D The funny part was lost in translation
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and I tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say boss and I feel great. I be at work soon........., you got nice house."
:eek:
 
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, rum, vodka and cola. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
 
Ok children, (said Miss Peach to her kindergarten class), I'd like you to say a word, and then ... I'd like you to make up a SENTENCE with that word - beaming smile...

"Miss Miss" said shirley ..."yes - shirley - what's your word ? more smiles!. "NICE, miss". And what's your sentence, shirley ? " I think you're NICE miss!!" - smile index just goes off the radar!!!

well, who's next? yes - wendy?" "BEAUTIFUL miss". "I think you're BEAUTIFUL miss" " well THank you wendy ;)"

anyone else ? - yes tommy?
"URINATE miss". - mild panic in Miss Peache's breast!! y-y-yes Tommmy , and what's your sentence then ??"

"my dad says that URINATE miss, but , if you had bigger ti*s, you'd be a 10 !!"
 
George Bush visits Burke school whilst touring Western NSW..
"OK children" says the teacher - "aren't we lucky to have President Bush here with us today ;) well, are there any little questions you'd like to ASK President Bush?"

pregnant pause, Smithy's hand shoots up.

"Yes Smithy?"

"Mr Bush" says young Smithy, "I've got 3 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did youtreat the prisoners so bad ?" -

Dubya looks uneasy, but fortunately the bell rings for recess. "ok says the teacher - recess!"

Returning after 20 mins, the teacher again invites questions. "Yes Thommo?"

"Mr Bush" says young Thommo, "I've got 5 questions! - 1. why did you invade iraq, 2. what happened to the weapons of mass detruction, and 3. why did youtreat the prisoners so bad - ........4. why did the recess bell ring 5 minutes early, and 5. ........what's happened to Smithy??"

Oldie :) but those with dementia probably forgotten that they've heard it 18000 times.
 
Got this one emailed to me today, I like it! :)

Harold, the Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error?
What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned...."Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T




I used to like Harold
 
hi Folks

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
Cheers Martin
 
Thanks rider [Martin]....that made me laugh. Nothing like a good laugh to fall asleep to....

x2rider said:
hi Folks

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
Cheers Martin
Click to expand...
 
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: We better get some support up in here or people are going to think we're nuts...
 
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ_8eL00oYI polish guys fighting (ladies please note, noone was actually hurt ok!!)

2. This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came
out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight
pieces. "Make it four," said the Pole. "I'll never be able to eat eight."

Note - version for polish people ...
This Australian guy ordered a pizza with everything ... ;)
 
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol string of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope ”” talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign - until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, lookedback at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."


Cheers Martin
 
A man in Brisbane calls his son in Adelaide two days before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Gees Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says, "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Darwin and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Brisbane immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow.

Until then, don't do a thing ... DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
 
Here is one for all us Consultants out there.


A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.

"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know jack about my business.

" Now give me back my dog."
 
A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"

"Yes he does, " answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."'

"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.

"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man smiled and said, "Watch this." Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'

"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.

"I don't know, lets see." replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

Cheers martin :santa:
 

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