Knobby22
Mmmmmm 2nd breakfast
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Yes, its says person and there are 2 of them!
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Help At Last: House Relief Bill Will Provide Free 'Going Out Of Business' Signs To Small Business Owners
babylonbee.com
Help At Last: House Relief Bill Will Provide Free 'Going Out Of Business' Signs To Small Business Owners
WASHINGTON, DC—After weeks of partisan bickering in Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell have announced that a bipartisan relief bill is finally ready for Trump's signature. The bill will include stimulus to replenish Pelosi's ice cream freezer, more money for the Congressional Sexual...
babylonbee.com
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Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.
I missed our bikes.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing pictures for you at the bottom of this note.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife. XX
P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!!
Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.
I missed our bikes.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing pictures for you at the bottom of this note.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife. XX
P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED!!
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Can't beat the Bee for astute analysis of how Trump politics works in the US.
babylonbee.com
Here Are 10 Ways Trump Could Still Win
Many Americans think Trump lost the election, but it ain't over 'til it's over, baby! While all those squishy, spineless Republicans surrender to Sleepy Joe and his fraudulent ballots, we here at The Babylon Bee have found 10 clear paths to victory for your favorite president!
babylonbee.com
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There is light at the end of the tunnel for Sparky
Heartwarming: Antifa Member Suddenly Realizes The True Fascist Was Inside Him All Along
December 18th, 2019
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PORTLAND, OR—In a heartwarming moment of self-reflection, local antifa protester Sparky Moonshine suddenly realized the true fascist was inside him all along.
As he lifted a brick to throw at a conservative reporter, the protester suddenly froze and said to himself, "Wait a minute -- all this time I've been searching for fascists out in the real world, when all along, the true fascist has been inside me."
"Maybe the real fascism is just all the antifa friends I've made along the way," he said.
His heart grew three sizes that day as he was comforted by the thought that among billions of people in the world, he had found his soul-fascist inside him.
"Maybe the real joy of fighting fascism isn't breaking windows or burning things with Molotov cocktails -- maybe the real joy of fighting fascism is finding the fascist inside all of us."
Having made peace with his inner fascist, he then threw the brick at the reporter.
Heartwarming: Antifa Member Suddenly Realizes The True Fascist Was Inside Him All Along
December 18th, 2019
23kShares
17.8kSHARE
2.4kSHARE
SHARE
PORTLAND, OR—In a heartwarming moment of self-reflection, local antifa protester Sparky Moonshine suddenly realized the true fascist was inside him all along.
As he lifted a brick to throw at a conservative reporter, the protester suddenly froze and said to himself, "Wait a minute -- all this time I've been searching for fascists out in the real world, when all along, the true fascist has been inside me."
"Maybe the real fascism is just all the antifa friends I've made along the way," he said.
His heart grew three sizes that day as he was comforted by the thought that among billions of people in the world, he had found his soul-fascist inside him.
"Maybe the real joy of fighting fascism isn't breaking windows or burning things with Molotov cocktails -- maybe the real joy of fighting fascism is finding the fascist inside all of us."
Having made peace with his inner fascist, he then threw the brick at the reporter.
Attachments
Saw this comment after a news.com article that was bagging the new Olympic sports (break dancing, skateboarding, etc)
Paul
The IOC has announced that 2032 Brisbane Olympics will feature the new sports of yabby pumping and a "burn-out" competition to be held in the city's street. Thomas Bach, President of the IOC, stated that "Each country gets the opportunity to introduce or display competitive sports at the games they host. Australian had a long list of events that would have liked to hold but were limited to 2. Some of the events would have been world firsts including Cane Toad Golf, Kangaroo Shooting and Drop Bear wrestling but the AOC decided on these sports, a truly inspiring undertaking"
Paul
The IOC has announced that 2032 Brisbane Olympics will feature the new sports of yabby pumping and a "burn-out" competition to be held in the city's street. Thomas Bach, President of the IOC, stated that "Each country gets the opportunity to introduce or display competitive sports at the games they host. Australian had a long list of events that would have liked to hold but were limited to 2. Some of the events would have been world firsts including Cane Toad Golf, Kangaroo Shooting and Drop Bear wrestling but the AOC decided on these sports, a truly inspiring undertaking"
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Folks, can we please get politics out the joke thread. People come here for a laugh, not more pointless political point scoring.
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A woman multi tasking.
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<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Hey <a href="https://twitter.com/JaneFallon?ref_src=twsrc^tfw">@JaneFallon</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/rickygervais?ref_src=twsrc^tfw">@rickygervais</a> have you seen this? I must have watched it 30 times in a loop ?? <a href="https://t.co/A5wU3xBiBU">pic.twitter.com/A5wU3xBiBU</a></p>— The Artful Doodler (@richnairn) <a href="">January 7, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
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It's Summer. It's warm outside and many of us are going to the beach...
A young couple decided to take their six year old son to the beach for the day. Not just any beach but a nudist beach. So they go down the beach and find a place to sit and the young boy asks “Mummy can I go for a walk along the beach” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out of my sight”. Little boy wanders off along the beach and comes back several minutes later. “Mummy” he say “some of the ladies have got bigger boobies than you” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you should remember is the bigger the boobie the sillier the lady”.
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have a paddle in the water” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out too far”. So he heads off to the water and comes back several minutes later and states “Mummy some of the men have got bigger things than Daddy” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you need to remember is the bigger the mans thing, the dumber he is”.
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have another paddle” and Mum says “ok but don’t be too long we are going to have lunch soon”. So the boy trots off down the beach, but this time he is only gone a couple of minutes and he’s back. He’s in a hurry. He’s running. “Mummy, mummy, Daddy’s talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her the dumber he gets”.
A young couple decided to take their six year old son to the beach for the day. Not just any beach but a nudist beach. So they go down the beach and find a place to sit and the young boy asks “Mummy can I go for a walk along the beach” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out of my sight”. Little boy wanders off along the beach and comes back several minutes later. “Mummy” he say “some of the ladies have got bigger boobies than you” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you should remember is the bigger the boobie the sillier the lady”.
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have a paddle in the water” and Mum says “Yes but don’t go out too far”. So he heads off to the water and comes back several minutes later and states “Mummy some of the men have got bigger things than Daddy” and Mum says “Yes I know dear but what you need to remember is the bigger the mans thing, the dumber he is”.
The little boy is happy with this explanation and asks “Can I go and have another paddle” and Mum says “ok but don’t be too long we are going to have lunch soon”. So the boy trots off down the beach, but this time he is only gone a couple of minutes and he’s back. He’s in a hurry. He’s running. “Mummy, mummy, Daddy’s talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks to her the dumber he gets”.
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This is funny.
Russian navy commander 'helped steal two 13-ton bronze propellers from his own destroyer while it was in dry dock - and replaced them with cheap ones'
www.dailymail.co.uk
Next thing you'll know he will steal the whole boat and replaced it with a tinny.
Russian navy commander 'helped steal two 13-ton bronze propellers from his own destroyer while it was in dry dock - and replaced them with cheap ones'
Russian commander 'stole two 13-ton bronze propellers from destroyer'
The former commander secretly replaced the bronze propellers on the Bespokoynyy with ones made from a cheaper and lighter material, the navy said.
Next thing you'll know he will steal the whole boat and replaced it with a tinny.
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It's a 5 minute walk from my place to the pub but it's a 45 minute walk from the pub to my place....the difference is staggering.
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The Healing Touch
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
KNOWLEDGE is knowing that a tomato is a fruit,
BUT WISDOM is not putting it in a fruit salad.
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
KNOWLEDGE is knowing that a tomato is a fruit,
BUT WISDOM is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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Do it yourself removalist
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Our uncle Joe died of a lung infection last week. He could have been saved if only one of us could remember his blood group. But at least he died as he had lived, spreading optimism all round with his heaving gasping last words, as he repeated over and over: "Be positive".
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