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ASF joke thread

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Cry me a river.all your fault, not us cause we are the words of truth,
And all this in the joke threat
It is genuinely hilarious:)
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about climate change.
The teacher said this is the first anthropogenic climate change we ever had.
The little girl stated that the biblical flood was another.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that it is the first; at that time it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Noah".
The teacher asked, "What if Noah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
 
9n3lXgR.gif
 
At Myers in town a young lad had been waiting patiently in line to meet Santa.

When his turn came Santa sat him on his knee and said, "ho ho ho, little boy. And what would you like for Christmas.

The youngster huffed and suddenly jumped down kicking Santa fair in the shins yelling, "you stupid old goat I told you everything yesterday".
 
3 old geezers sitting on a park bench, feeding the pigeons watching life go by, discussing old age.
One pipes up, and says, my incontinence is out of control, if it doesn't run down my leg I don't even know it's happening. If it runs down the pants, usually someone looks at me with a stunned expression which alerts me, unless I feel wet and cold...
Next one sprouts, yeah, I have trouble pooing, always constipated or the complete reverse, like a panel beater at a car spraying competition...I miss the Mr Wippy days...
Third one muses, well, you might be pleased to hear that I don't have any problems pooing or weeing. I do both regularly around 4am or so. (The others nod there heads enviously.)
The only problem I have is, that I don't wake up until 6am...:D
 
I was getting really worried that my wife was losing her hearing.
I didn't want an argument about getting her hearing checked so I thought I will do it myself. Hey and save some money too!
I waited till one afternoon when she was standing at the sink with her back to me. I stood quietly about 10 steps back and asked "What's for dinner tonight, Darrrling?"
There was no response, not a peep.
I moved 5 steps closer, again asking "What's for dinner tonight, Darrrrrling?"
Still nothing! Zippo! Absolutely no response! I was getting VERY concerned at how bad it really had become!
So I stood right up behind her. "Whats for dinner tonight, Darrrrling??"
With that she stops. Turns her head and barks...
For the THIRD time SAUSAGES!!!!
 
Having a quiet beer at my local, when my best old barmaid Iris starts her shift. She spots me and yells across the bar "Whats you got today love?"
I reply "I got Carona Iris."
Next minute the place is empty!
 
Doing the rounds:

New Aussie slang likely to be heard soon:
Sanny - Hand sanitiser
In iso - self isolation/ in lockdown
the Rona - self explanatory
Magpie - supermarket hoarder

Employed as follows : Me boss tested pozzi for the Rona so now he's in iso. Popped down to woolies for some sanni but its all been bloody magpie'd
 
I liked this.

"Jones was having his first date with Miss Smith and was utterly captivated by her. She was beautiful, and intelligent as well, and as dinner proceeded, he was further impressed by her faultless taste.

"As he hesitated over the after-dinner drink, she intervened to say, 'Oh, let’s have sherry rather than brandy by all means. When I sip sherry, it seems to me that I am transported from the everyday scenes by which I may, at that moment, be surrounded. The flavor, the aroma, brings to mind irresistibly—for what reason I know not—a kind of faerie bit of nature: a hilly field bathed in soft sunshine, a clump of trees in the middle distance, a small brook curving across the scene, nearly at my feet. This, together with the fancied drowsy sound of insects and distant lowing of cattle, brings to my mind a kind of warmth, peace, and serenity, a sort of dovetailing of the world into a beautiful entirety. Brandy, on the other hand, makes me fart.'"
 
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long
time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
 

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