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ASF joke thread

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dutchie said:
Muslim girl refuses to shake German president's hand as he visits a school to praise it… for integrating migrants so well

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-integrating-migrants-well.html#ixzz4TJiBvgcm
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook
Click to expand...

Should really be moved to appropriate thread, but I think "'No offence, my religion won't let me do that. I do not mean to disrespect you.' mentioned in the article says heaps about mind control from cradle to grave.... I would have replied " well I am offended and you have a fat a4se."
 
Tisme said:
Should really be moved to appropriate thread, but I think "'No offence, my religion won't let me do that. I do not mean to disrespect you.' mentioned in the article says heaps about mind control from cradle to grave.... I would have replied " well I am offended and you have a fat a4se."
Click to expand...

Along those lines: Pauline emailed me this one. As you all know, she is the expert on all things Islamic. ;)

Islamic dancing rules.

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counseling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" "Sure," says the Mullah, go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey, a porno video, a camel and a goat ?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing"
 
Why men have less depression.

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics (usually) tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet , and one pair of shoes -
- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

NICKNAMES
·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Bubba , and Wildman.

EATING OUT

·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need , but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's
no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 
MrBurns said:
Why men have less depression.

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics (usually) tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet , and one pair of shoes -
- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

NICKNAMES
·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
·If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Bubba , and Wildman.

EATING OUT

·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need , but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's
no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Click to expand...

Spot on.:xyxthumbs
 
A woman takes eight-year-old Paul home to his mother and tells her “He was caught playing doctors and nurses with Alison, my eight-year-old daughter.”

Paul’s mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them....they are bound to be curious about sex at this age."

"Curious about sex?" retorts Alison’s mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
 
Heaps of marriage jokes in here... Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade ;)
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of
250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely f@#k-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
 
not politically correct, but who cares?

An African, an Arab and Pauline Hanson are in the same bar.
When the African finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Africa, our glasses are given to us by Red Cross Aid

so we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer

(cuz he's a Muslim), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47,
and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make

glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

Pauline Hanson, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it

in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and

shoots the African and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,

she says, 'In Queensland, we have so many illegal immigrants

that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Queensland.

God Bless Pauline.
 
enhanced-buzz-15399-1343149732-1.jpg
 
Excellent Medical Advice

I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.
But this is definitely an exception!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions,
ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had..

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it
but women who would not mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important medical information!

“LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM”!
 

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