ASF joke thread

[basilio]

 

[dutchie]

That is good news.

 

[SirRumpole]

View attachment 105247

That means we are stuck with Trump for 650,000,000 years ?

 

[basilio]

That means we are stuck with Trump for 650,000,000 years ?

Not necessarily. But I fear he has propagated a million little Trumpites who will continue to infest our systems for a long time.

 

[basilio]

Old Goat Quiz - Great mental exercise for the over- 60 crowd.

With which of the following names are you familiar?


1. Monica Lewinsky

2. Spiro Agnew

3. Benito Mussolini

4. Adolf Hitler

5. Jorge Bergoglio

6. Alfonse Capone

7. Vladimir Putin

8. Linda Lovelace

9. Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers,
thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?


Lovely, just lovely.


Sometimes I worry about you!

 

[basilio]

A bit of cultural news for a welcome change.

After a two year loan to the United States,

Michelangelo's David is being returned to Italy.

His Proud Sponsors were:

 

[basilio]

Ordering Pizza In 2020

CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...


--AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE COVID-19 APP

 

[basilio]

 

[dutchie]

Ordering Pizza In 2020

CALLER:
Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...


--AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE COVID-19 APP

Unfortunately that joke is either true now or it will be soon.

 

[Dona Ferentes]

My friend told me "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

He meant well.

 

[basilio]

He meant 'well.'

Indeed. ..
You didn't get soppy did you ?

 

[basilio]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – neither of them barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The traffic light was red, but they drove through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and, again, the light was red. For a second time, they drove right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

Sure enough, at the next junction, the light was red and they drove on. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”

 

[dutchie]

One of these settings is redundant

 

[basilio]

This is Donald Trump riffing on the records he has broken.

...he has no organ..
https://www.tiktok.com/@kyscottt/video/6820569587474533637

 

[basilio]

And lets not forget how much China respects Donald Trump and his very, very large brain.
Seriously...
https://www.tiktok.com/@kyscottt/video/6818784227329363206

 

[spooly74]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest t1ts.

Men are like that, you know.

 

[basilio]

This is a looooong joke. But it comes from one of the best in the business.
Carol Burnett in "As the stomach turns"

 

[jbocker]

A mate of mine has gone vegan, even after I assured him it is gonna be a big missed steak.

 

[basilio]

Sammy J appreciation time for those of us dealing with ISO

 

[basilio]

And this Sammy J riff on Karen from Bunnings is hot off the net