Australian (ASX) Stock Market Forum

ASF joke thread

Jump to new
OMG! I'm rich.

Silver in the hair, gold in the teeth, crystals in the kidneys, sugar in the blood, lead in the butt, iron in the arteries and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas!

I'd never thought I'd accumulate such wealth!
 
A POEM TO WHICH I CAN RELATE

I remember the bologna of my childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The children were seldom unhappy
And the wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where cookies for pennies were sold
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it....I'm just getting old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mama pressed everyone's 'duds'.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown
If you can remember those days , continue to enjoy your retirement & GOD BLESS
 
This is good -

10399923_1062819963778458_4499240766132897197_n.jpg
 
SirRumpole said:
I didn't take it that way.

My interpretation was that with all the talk about LGBTI's going around, not to refer to them would be seen as an insult by some.
Click to expand...

hmm - looking at the rainbow colours on the protester's face and figure, you're probably right. :xyxthumbs
So, it's "Miso-anything that's not straight Caucasian Male"-ism.
Even more thanks to Tony and Cory and Eric and ... :D
 
Where does it say, not straight?

It says male and female.

No identity politics.

Make of it what you wish.
 
This Makes sense to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
________________________________________

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE.................

 
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the *real* reason;


I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...
The population of the United Stated is 239 million. 106 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 83 million who are underage or still in school, and 30 people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which leave 49.99997 million to do the work.
Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a half million to do the work.
Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that many work for State and City Governments, and leaving 1,400,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202 to do the work.
There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor appointments, or on sick leave today. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there playing around on the Internet!
 
Tisme said:
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the *real* reason;


I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...
The population of the United Stated is 239 million. 106 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 83 million who are underage or still in school, and 30 people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which leave 49.99997 million to do the work.
Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a half million to do the work.
Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that many work for State and City Governments, and leaving 1,400,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202 to do the work.
There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor appointments, or on sick leave today. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there playing around on the Internet!
Click to expand...

To which the American reader replied:

And unless you're the actuary/statistician/comedian, no one's doing any work.
 
UN Survey:
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
A single question was asked;
“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a complete failure, because:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant,
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant,
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant,
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant,
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant,
And in Australia, New Zealand & Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!
 
sptrawler said:
UN Survey:
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
A single question was asked;
“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a complete failure, because:
In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant,
In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant,
In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant,
In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant,
In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant,
And in Australia, New Zealand & Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!
Click to expand...
Nice one, sptrawler :)
But you missed a line:
In the US of A nobody had a clue what "the rest of the world" meant.
 
THE BRITISH PENNY

EUROPEAN UNION DIRECTIVE - NO. 456179/1
IN ORDER TO BRING ABOUT FURTHER INTEGRATION WITH THE SINGLE EUROPEAN CURRENCY, THE EURO;
ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND MUST BE MADE AWARE
THAT THE PHRASE "SPENDING A PENNY" IS NOT TO BE USED AFTER 30th June 2016.

FROM 1st July 2016, THE CORRECT TERM WILL BE "EURONATING".

IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WILL BE A GREAT RELIEF TO EVERYONE.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, JUST GIVE ME A TINKLE.
 
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
 

Similar threads

kahuna1
Top of this cycle for ASX 200, cash is king?
3 4 5
Replies
80
Views
15K
kahuna1
kahuna1
McLovin
Holidays in the Danger Zone
Replies
17
Views
4K
Smurf1976
Smurf1976
RichKid
ASF in the Media
2
Replies
23
Views
11K
Joe Blow
Joe Blow
Joe Blow
ASF 'How do I do it?' thread
13 14 15
Replies
291
Views
80K
noirua
noirua
Joe Blow
Give me your suggestions, complaints and feedback!
10 11 12
Replies
222
Views
29K
sptrawler
sptrawler
Top