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ASF joke thread

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Was the milkman's name Ernie ?

 
Be careful what you buy online.

I just spent $100 on a penis enlarger.
They sent me a magnifying glass!
The only instructions said:
"Do not use in sunlight"
 
Tisme said:
Be careful what you buy online.

I just spent $100 on a penis enlarger.
They sent me a magnifying glass!
The only instructions said:
"Do not use in sunlight"
Click to expand...

Well, if you really think you need that sort of thing...

 
Tree Hugger

A woman, who was a tree hugger, purchased a block of old-growth bushland near Collie, WA.
There was a large Jarrah tree on one of the highest points in the tract. In order to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land, she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she disturbed a spotted owl that angrily attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground, catching many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she rushed to the nearest country hospital to see a doctor.
In the process of explaining how she came to get all the splinters, she mentioned that she was an environmentalist, a member of the Greens Party, and objected to hunting. The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would check how he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. Angrily she demanded, "What took you so long?"
With a big smile, he replied, "Well, I had to apply for permits from the Environment Protection Agency, the Forestry Supervisory Board, and the Department of Land Management, giving me the authority to remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.
I'm sorry ... they turned you down."
 

*two thumbs up belly laugh*
I like it!
 
Subject: Fwd: SUNDAY CLOTHES




________________________________________
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a “Y” in the road where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
He said, “Hello.”
'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way to my aunties,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my best Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:


'You know, I never realized before just how much
Difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PROTESTANT !!!'
 
noco said:
'I go to the Catholic church down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '

'I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
Click to expand...

Slight error in the telling! The Catholic church is always on top of the hill. Don't ask me why, but just have a look around Melb or Syd and that's how it is.
 
Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his Labrador, Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.
"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all DA buckshot.
"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in DA Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
 
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Cardiff, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
A few minutes ago a lovely female voice came up on my phone. (about 70 yrs but on the ball.

"is Lynn there? "

" no, sorry, think you have a wrong number"

"oh, well....

never mind darling, I put my finger in the wrong hole. "
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching pr0n."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what pr0n was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 
Came home and found a note on the Fridge...Not working going to Mothers,,,Opened he door making ice and all cold lights work,,,,beats me what she is on about????
 
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful
woman in the world.
"I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how.did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later,
he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Bill Shorten?" asked Pinocchio.
 
A few from the Math Teacher's Desk:

Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: "Nice belt"

Q: What do you get when you take the Sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the Sky.

Q: What did the Mermaid wear to Maths Class?
A: An algae-bra.

There are 10 kinds of Mathematicians: Those that understand binary numbers and those that don't.

Q: Why did the (x ²+1) tree fall over?
A: It didn't have a real root.

Above sourced from http://www.transum.org/Software/Fun_Maths/Jokes.asp

which inspired me to come up with some of my own:

Q: What did the four say when the eight showed up?
A: Here comes my double.

Last night, I saw on my front stair
Root minus One (√-1), which wasn't there.
It then explained quite easily:
"Not real am i, but imaginary."
 
I love those maths jokes Pixel. Here are some more, though not limited to math.....

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

A blowfly goes into a bar and asks: "Is that stool taken?"

They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

A statistician is someone who tells you, when you've got your head in the fridge and your feet in the oven, that you're – on average - very comfortable.

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptised. She kept the other as a control.

A weed scientist goes into a shop. He asks: "Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase? Shopkeeper: "You mean Roundup?" Scientist: "Yeah, that's it. I can never remember that dang name."

A mosquito was heard to complain
That chemists had poisoned her brain.
The cause of her sorrow
Was para-dichloro-diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."

After sex, one behaviourist turned to another behaviourist and said, "That was great for you, but how was it for me?"

Two chemists are in a restaurant, one chemist says to the waiter "I'll have a glass of H2O". The other chemist says "I'll have a glass of H2O too". He dies.

Helium walks in to a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gases here". Helium doesn't react.

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are having a coffee when they see two people entering the house across the street. A few minutes later three people leave the house. The biologist exclaims "They have multiplied!", to which the physicist replies "Naw, it's just a measuring error". The mathematician slowly sips on his coffee and replies "You're both wrong -- when one more person enters the house it'll be empty again".

There are 10 types of people in the world: those that know hexadecimal......and F the rest

Two is the oddest prime of all - because it's even.

Why do computer programmers mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because DEC 25 = OCT 31.

Why did the chicken cross the mobiús strip? To get to the same side!

A Higgs-Boson walk into a church. The priest says "Hey, you can't be in here!" to which the Higgs-Boson replies "But you can't have mass without me!"

i says to pi: ''Be rational.'' To which pi says: ''Get real!''
 
> Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
>
> Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
>
> A good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!!
>
> When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I
> ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music,
> takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I
> signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids,
> their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could
> communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle
> something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
>
> My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
> everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I
> am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in
> my golf bag.
>
> The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
> lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
> keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
> phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
> standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone
> in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing
> aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
>
> I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
> inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
> in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
> "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
> like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
> and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
> right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship... When I get
> really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross
> streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
> the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
>
> To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
> cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I
> still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have
> to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and
> the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
>
> The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
> every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could
> settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?"
> every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of
> those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never
> remember to take them with me.
>
> Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I
> just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
> turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I
> tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
>
> P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you
> to forward it to those who are.......Not me; I figured your sense of
> humor could handle it....
>
> We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the
> garage door remote are about all we can handle.
 
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,

two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain

around his neck; walked into the
Dole Office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like

taking advantage of the system, getting

something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your

timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a

very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have

to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and

he will supply all of your clothes."


"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her

overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say

but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the

daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong

sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,

"You're kidding me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...

You started it." .....
 
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