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she might have been trying to start a conversation just because he looked interesting/attractive to her
she might have been trying to start a conversation just because he looked interesting/attractive to her
Timmy
white swans need love too
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Got this one on an email a while ago and has become one of my favourite jokes:
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Quincy
Jack of all trades master of 0
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Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked.
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They once said that a black man would become president when pigs flew. 100 days later... Wham! Pigs Flu!!!
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hahaha love it guys 
nulla nulla
Positive Expectancy
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Q. What is the difference between a NFL player and a brick?
A. The brick has a higher IQ.
A. The brick has a higher IQ.
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Did you hear about the gay wizard?
He disappeared with a poof!
__________________________________
Whats a Hindu?
.....Lays iggs bru.
He disappeared with a poof!
__________________________________
Whats a Hindu?
.....Lays iggs bru.
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It's rowdy in the western bar when the swing doors are slammed apart and in walks a piece of road, puffs out his chest and says. "I am the toughest bit of bitumen you will ever see, and anyone who wants to argue with me I'll beat you stupid." whereupon the bar goes quiet and satisfied he walks to the barman to get a drink.
A minute later the door slams back again and a piece of dual carriageway stalks in with a mean look in his eye and says in a quiet voice. "I say I am the toughest bit of bitumen that ever walked the earth and I will dessimate anyone who says different."
The road drinking turns around as the bar goes quiet, and the two are standing there eyeing each other off when the doors slam open again and a huge eight lane freeway walks in shouting. 'I be the toughest bit o' bitumen you ever did see and will squash you if you say different."
The tension in the bar ratchets up another notch and the bar patrons are edging apart from the roads when the doors quietly swing open and in walks in a small blue piece of road.
Instantly the three roads sit down and quietly order drinks from the barman who says. 'Hey what's with him pointing to the small blue road."
"Shhh.... shut-up!" the three roads whisper, "That guy is a total cycle path."
Boom tish
Sir O
A minute later the door slams back again and a piece of dual carriageway stalks in with a mean look in his eye and says in a quiet voice. "I say I am the toughest bit of bitumen that ever walked the earth and I will dessimate anyone who says different."
The road drinking turns around as the bar goes quiet, and the two are standing there eyeing each other off when the doors slam open again and a huge eight lane freeway walks in shouting. 'I be the toughest bit o' bitumen you ever did see and will squash you if you say different."
The tension in the bar ratchets up another notch and the bar patrons are edging apart from the roads when the doors quietly swing open and in walks in a small blue piece of road.
Instantly the three roads sit down and quietly order drinks from the barman who says. 'Hey what's with him pointing to the small blue road."
"Shhh.... shut-up!" the three roads whisper, "That guy is a total cycle path."
Boom tish
Sir O
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Stephen Kings new horror story...
Flu from the piglets
Flu from the piglets
nulla nulla
Positive Expectancy
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A man go's to the optomitrist and says i need glasses. The optometrist exams his eyes and says "There is nothing wrong with your eyes, you're fine go away".
Two weeks later he is back, the optometrist exams him again, nothing wrong, sends him on his way.
Two weeks late he is back with a brown paper bag, says he needs glasses. The Optomitrist exams his eyes, says "There is nothing wrong, why do you think you need glasses?" The man hands the optomitrist the paper bag. The optomitrist opens the bag and there is a turd inside the size of a house brick.
The man says " I must need glasses, every time i pass one of those my eyes water".
Two weeks later he is back, the optometrist exams him again, nothing wrong, sends him on his way.
Two weeks late he is back with a brown paper bag, says he needs glasses. The Optomitrist exams his eyes, says "There is nothing wrong, why do you think you need glasses?" The man hands the optomitrist the paper bag. The optomitrist opens the bag and there is a turd inside the size of a house brick.
The man says " I must need glasses, every time i pass one of those my eyes water".
Timmy
white swans need love too
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I love this thread, thanks everyone.
Not a joke, but a funny article in the paper. Been hearing about this guy for a while (Christian Lander) and now he is Australia.
A tour of Melbourne in search of our whitest suburb.
Not a joke, but a funny article in the paper. Been hearing about this guy for a while (Christian Lander) and now he is Australia.
A tour of Melbourne in search of our whitest suburb.
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Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version
This is a hoot!
Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA
This is a hoot!
Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA
Julia
In Memoriam
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A politician dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Before you settle in," St. Peter says, "you'll have to experience one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." The MP finds that hell includes a beautiful golf course, and in the clubhouse are many of his late friends and colleagues. They play golf and dine on lobster, chips and champagne. After 24 hours he is taken to heaven, where he joins a group of contented souls wafting from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
Before he knows it, St. Peter is back. "You've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven. Choose your eternity." The MP says, "Don't get me wrong, heaven has been great, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So off he goes to hell but this time he finds a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and his friends are dressed in rags. "I don't understand," the MP says to the Devil. "When I was here yesterday there was a golf course and I had a great time. What happened?"
The Devil smiles and replies: "Yesterday we were campaigniing. Today you voted."
"Before you settle in," St. Peter says, "you'll have to experience one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." The MP finds that hell includes a beautiful golf course, and in the clubhouse are many of his late friends and colleagues. They play golf and dine on lobster, chips and champagne. After 24 hours he is taken to heaven, where he joins a group of contented souls wafting from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
Before he knows it, St. Peter is back. "You've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven. Choose your eternity." The MP says, "Don't get me wrong, heaven has been great, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So off he goes to hell but this time he finds a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and his friends are dressed in rags. "I don't understand," the MP says to the Devil. "When I was here yesterday there was a golf course and I had a great time. What happened?"
The Devil smiles and replies: "Yesterday we were campaigniing. Today you voted."
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring
at a blond girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over
and asks .. "How do you get into those pants?".
The blond looks him over and replies ..
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".
at a blond girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over
and asks .. "How do you get into those pants?".
The blond looks him over and replies ..
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".
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I'm sorry Momma
I NEED TO SELL SOME RECORDS....
BUT TONIGHT, I NEED TO LOCK YOU IN THE CLOSET
I NEED TO SELL SOME RECORDS....
BUT TONIGHT, I NEED TO LOCK YOU IN THE CLOSET
Timmy
white swans need love too
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LOL that is hilarious! I bet they don't even realise what they've just done.
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Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to forward a questionable e-mail.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Are you sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was ashamed and remained silent..
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Are you sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was ashamed and remained silent..
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
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