ASF joke thread

[Trembling Hand]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

 

[Glen48]

Subject: Fw: And the winner is...







BELIEVE it or not , these are Nashville , TN REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Di spatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher:! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.



This Blonde had a sea shell tattoo on her inner thigh when you put your Ear to it you could smell the Ocean.

 

[mattlaw]

Scarlett Johannson is on a small plane with just her and a pilot. The plane crashes on a deserted island and both scarlett and the pilot survive. The pilot builds a shelter and gets food and does all of the things to help both of them survive. This goes on for a little while and Scarlett starts to get quite attracted to the pilot as he has been looking after her since the crash.

So one thing leads to another and they do the no pants dance and after a while Scarlett says to the pilot 'You have been so nice to me i want to do something really special for you. The pilot says 'Ok can you dress up like a man' Scarlett thinks this is pretty weird but agrees anyway as the pilot has been so nice.

Scarlett leaves the tent and comes back in dressed like a man and the pilot says 'Oh mate i am so glad you are here, you will never guess who i am sleeping with!'

 

[roland]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his beautiful, blond, female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I've got mail!"

 

[Solly]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my licence! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tel me you had a prescription.”

 

[MrBurns]

Girl takes her dress to the drycleaners.
Says "I'll be back Friday"
Drycleaner is a bit deaf and cups his hand to his ear and says "come again?'
Girl says, "No, this time it's mayonaise"

 

[rub92me]

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

 

[roland]

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.

'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make
a woman truly happy'.



The Lord replied : 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 

[MrBurns]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Jerry the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store & thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see.. size 44 long.'

Jerry laughed,

'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Jerry tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

'How about a new shirt?'

Jerry thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Jerry and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Jerry was surprised,

'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Jerry tried on the shirt

and it fit perfectly.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

'How about some new underwear?'

Jerry thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Jerry laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Jerry the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store & thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see.. size 44 long.'

Jerry laughed,

'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!'

the tailor said.

Jerry tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

'How about a new shirt?'

Jerry thought for a moment

and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Jerry and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Jerry was surprised,

'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Jerry tried on the shirt

and it fit perfectly.

Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

'How about some new underwear?'

Jerry thought for a moment

and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Jerry laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

 

[cuttlefish]

Girl takes her dress to the drycleaners.
Says "I'll be back Friday"
Drycleaner is a bit deaf and cups his hand to his ear and says "come again?'
Girl says, "No, this time it's mayonaise"

Her name wasn't Monica was it?

 

[MrBurns]

Had to write something to get this to load -

 

[stl_08]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the forrest the bear says to the rabbit do u ever have problems with **** sticking to you fur, the rabbit replies no why? So the bear wiped his **** with the rabbit

 

[GumbyLearner]

George at his best

 

[GumbyLearner]

DOG FOR SALE!

Even if you don't own a dog at present, you'll appreciate the
efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch!!!

Dog For Sale
Free to good home.

* Excellent guard dog.
* Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as
there are no more thieves, murderers or
molesters left in the neighborhood for him
to eat.
* Most of them knew him as
'Holy ****.'

 

[nomore4s]

lol, thats one big dog.


A guy is on the bus when he suddenly needs to pass wind. The music on the bus is really loud, so he times his bouts of wind with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he starts to feel better as his stop approaches.

As he is getting off the bus people are really staring him down..........

And that is when he realises he's been listening to his iPod.

 

[Uncle Festivus]

Not sure if it's been posted....

Dog food

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal dogfood at the supermarket and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

 

[Julia]

Not sure if it's been posted....

Dog food

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal dogfood at the supermarket and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

If this is true, Uncle F, it's no more than the silly woman deserved.

 

[springhill]

Being a new age topical guy heres a few swine flu jokes

How do you treat swine flu? With oinkment

If you contract swineflu what is the best way to get to hospital? In a hambulance

I tried to phone my doctor today to get my swine flu test results but all i got was crackling

 

[It's Snake Pliskin]

Being a new age topical guy heres a few swine flu jokes

How do you treat swine flu? With oinkment

If you contract swineflu what is the best way to get to hospital? In a hambulance

I tried to phone my doctor today to get my swine flu test results but all i got was crackling

Pretty good.

A guy was walking down the street and came past a horse in a small paddock next to a shop. The horse looked pretty sad so the guy asked the horse: "What's with the long face?"

 

[springhill]

Being a new age topical guy heres a few swine flu jokes

How do you treat swine flu? With oinkment

If you contract swineflu what is the best way to get to hospital? In a hambulance

I tried to phone my doctor today to get my swine flu test results but all i got was crackling

Oops heres another!

I woke this morning and knew i had swine flu cos i had rashers on my body