- Joined
- 28 September 2007
- Posts
- 1,472
- Reactions
- 8
At the hotel breakfast room on my last visit to Sydney, I called over the waiter and said,
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked it’s tough and rubbery.
Also grilled bacon hardly cooked that has been left on the plate to get cold;
Dry toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a cup of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
I replied, "Should be easy for your kitchen, that’s what you gave me yesterday!”
"I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked it’s tough and rubbery.
Also grilled bacon hardly cooked that has been left on the plate to get cold;
Dry toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a cup of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
I replied, "Should be easy for your kitchen, that’s what you gave me yesterday!”
- Joined
- 28 March 2007
- Posts
- 428
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- 0
Letter To God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
- Joined
- 2 July 2009
- Posts
- 12
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- 0
Re: Michael Jackson Dead
Farrah Fawcett arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter look up her book
and says "I see you were a Charlies Angel. Well, that entitles you to
a special wish for earth."
Farrah responds "Thank you! I wish for all the children of the world to be safe!"
Michael Jackson suddenly has a heart attack and drops dead............
Whats the difference between an Xbox and Micheal Jackson? Nothing -
They're both made of plastic and kids turn them on.
Michael Jackson's body is being melted down into shopping bags so he
will remain white, plastic and dangerous to children.
What is the difference between the English cricket team and Janet
Jackson? Janet Jackson gets to take home the Ashes!
Farrah Fawcett arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter look up her book
and says "I see you were a Charlies Angel. Well, that entitles you to
a special wish for earth."
Farrah responds "Thank you! I wish for all the children of the world to be safe!"
Michael Jackson suddenly has a heart attack and drops dead............
Whats the difference between an Xbox and Micheal Jackson? Nothing -
They're both made of plastic and kids turn them on.
Michael Jackson's body is being melted down into shopping bags so he
will remain white, plastic and dangerous to children.
What is the difference between the English cricket team and Janet
Jackson? Janet Jackson gets to take home the Ashes!
- Joined
- 2 July 2009
- Posts
- 12
- Reactions
- 0
Re: Michael Jackson Dead
They tried to give him mouth to mouth,but when they blew air in his
nose kept popping off.
Michael Jackson's attorney waned him he could only date twenty-nine
year olds. Michael replied, "That many?"
It was originally thought Micheal Jackson was dying from skin cancer
but actually tripped over a babies stroller and died......so don't
blame it on the the sunshine, blame it on the buggy!!!!!!!
Madonna was devastated that the only celebrity to treat other peoples
kids worse than her has died.
They tried to give him mouth to mouth,but when they blew air in his
nose kept popping off.
Michael Jackson's attorney waned him he could only date twenty-nine
year olds. Michael replied, "That many?"
It was originally thought Micheal Jackson was dying from skin cancer
but actually tripped over a babies stroller and died......so don't
blame it on the the sunshine, blame it on the buggy!!!!!!!
Madonna was devastated that the only celebrity to treat other peoples
kids worse than her has died.
- Joined
- 2 July 2009
- Posts
- 12
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- 0
Re: Michael Jackson Dead
The family of Michael Jackson have announced that his ashes are to be
used in etch-a-sketch, so that kids can still play with his knob.
The Boy Scouts movement announced as a sign of respect for the passing
of Michael Jackson they will be wearing their pants at half-mast.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?? A: He
thought it was a delivery service.
Michael Jackson died of the bends, they found bubbles up his *rse
Q: What was the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A: Acne
doesn't come on a boys face until he is 13.
Q: What's brown and found in nappies? A: Michael Jacksons hand.
Michael Jacksons last request was to be buried at sea, preferably
between two buoys.
The family of Michael Jackson have announced that his ashes are to be
used in etch-a-sketch, so that kids can still play with his knob.
The Boy Scouts movement announced as a sign of respect for the passing
of Michael Jackson they will be wearing their pants at half-mast.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?? A: He
thought it was a delivery service.
Michael Jackson died of the bends, they found bubbles up his *rse
Q: What was the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A: Acne
doesn't come on a boys face until he is 13.
Q: What's brown and found in nappies? A: Michael Jacksons hand.
Michael Jacksons last request was to be buried at sea, preferably
between two buoys.
- Joined
- 2 July 2009
- Posts
- 12
- Reactions
- 0
Re: Michael Jackson Dead
Arthur Scargill, who met the late Michael Jackson on several
occasions, expressed his deepest condolences for the legend of
contemporary pop music and recalls fond memories of going down the
shaft and sharing a minors helmet together.
Jockeys at Royal Ascot will wear black armbands out of respect for
Micheal Jackson, who has reportedly ridden more three year olds than
anyone else......
At the autopsy they found children’s underwear strapped to Michael
Jackson’s upper arm. According to his doctors it is just a patch, he’s
been trying to quit for a while.
To commemorate MJ's death, Kmart decided to do a one time
special...ALL BOYS PANTS HALF OFF!
Whats 5 minus 1? The Jackson 4
Arthur Scargill, who met the late Michael Jackson on several
occasions, expressed his deepest condolences for the legend of
contemporary pop music and recalls fond memories of going down the
shaft and sharing a minors helmet together.
Jockeys at Royal Ascot will wear black armbands out of respect for
Micheal Jackson, who has reportedly ridden more three year olds than
anyone else......
At the autopsy they found children’s underwear strapped to Michael
Jackson’s upper arm. According to his doctors it is just a patch, he’s
been trying to quit for a while.
To commemorate MJ's death, Kmart decided to do a one time
special...ALL BOYS PANTS HALF OFF!
Whats 5 minus 1? The Jackson 4
- Joined
- 21 May 2008
- Posts
- 664
- Reactions
- 14
A chicken was going to cross the road when a duck came running up to it.
"Hey!! Don't cross the road or you'll never hear the end of it!"
"Hey!! Don't cross the road or you'll never hear the end of it!"
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
One afternoon a stockbroker was cold calling potential clients about a stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really fly said the broker. It's currently only trading at $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock had jumped to $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right about that stock, I'd like to buy 5000 more shares."
The following day the client looked in the paper and the stock had skyrocketed to $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares," said the client.
"Wonderful!" said the broker. The following day the client looked in the paper and the stock had reached $9.
Deciding to take advantage of the huge profit he had made in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."
..................................................................................................
***ps just wondering if something like this has happened to you....hehehehe
"Buy me 1000 shares," said the client. The next day the stock had jumped to $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right about that stock, I'd like to buy 5000 more shares."
The following day the client looked in the paper and the stock had skyrocketed to $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares," said the client.
"Wonderful!" said the broker. The following day the client looked in the paper and the stock had reached $9.
Deciding to take advantage of the huge profit he had made in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."
..................................................................................................
***ps just wondering if something like this has happened to you....hehehehe
In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for
his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I
die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images
and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO
WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevins hand in
his right hand and Waynes hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Kevin Rudd spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves;
I would like to do the same."
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for
his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I
die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images
and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO
WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevins hand in
his right hand and Waynes hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Kevin Rudd spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves;
I would like to do the same."
- Joined
- 21 June 2009
- Posts
- 5,880
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- 14
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh!
nulla nulla
Positive Expectancy
- Joined
- 24 September 2008
- Posts
- 3,588
- Reactions
- 133
My son said he signed on for a new website and chose the word "penis" for his password.
He said his application to join was rejected because his password was too short.
He said his application to join was rejected because his password was too short.
- Joined
- 6 September 2008
- Posts
- 7,676
- Reactions
- 68
Perhaps he should have used blackpenis or would that be too long ?
- Joined
- 24 May 2009
- Posts
- 1,576
- Reactions
- 1,453
An American couple, English Couple and an Aussie couple share a table at breakfast guest room. After a few minutes silence the American says loudly with a smirk on his face to his wife "Could you please pass the honey, Honey!"
After another silent minute the relieved English man asks his wife more loudly "Could you please pass the sugar, Sugar"!.
Poor Aussie bloke feels much pressure, and then he thinks I got em! Asking his wife even louder.
Could you please pass the Tea ..Bag!
After another silent minute the relieved English man asks his wife more loudly "Could you please pass the sugar, Sugar"!.
Poor Aussie bloke feels much pressure, and then he thinks I got em! Asking his wife even louder.
Could you please pass the Tea ..Bag!
q...how many arians does it take to change a light bulb....
a ...none ..they are not afraid of the dark
q ..how many pisceans does it take to change a light bulb..
a...none, only the inner light matters
q...as above for Leos
a...one, to hold it while the world revolves around him or her
q... for Virgo
a..none... virgo will just sit still, all alone in the dark and suffer
q...for scorpio
a...Who wants to know
q...for capricorns
a...none...they dont waste time with childish jokes
q...for taurus
a...none, taureans dont like to change anything
q...for gemini
a...two, plus a mobile phone, internet link, and a copy of the 'bluffers guide to changing light bulbs
a ...none ..they are not afraid of the dark
q ..how many pisceans does it take to change a light bulb..
a...none, only the inner light matters
q...as above for Leos
a...one, to hold it while the world revolves around him or her
q... for Virgo
a..none... virgo will just sit still, all alone in the dark and suffer
q...for scorpio
a...Who wants to know
q...for capricorns
a...none...they dont waste time with childish jokes
q...for taurus
a...none, taureans dont like to change anything
q...for gemini
a...two, plus a mobile phone, internet link, and a copy of the 'bluffers guide to changing light bulbs
- Joined
- 2 February 2006
- Posts
- 14,009
- Reactions
- 2,891
- Joined
- 21 June 2009
- Posts
- 5,880
- Reactions
- 14
I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
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A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw --especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.
The boy asked, "What's this, Pa?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Ma."
The boy asked, "What's this, Pa?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Ma."
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An old man goes into a drug store.
'Can I have 6 viagra tablets, cut into quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' says the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I am 90' said the old man. 'I don't want a full erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
'Can I have 6 viagra tablets, cut into quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' says the pharmacist, 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I am 90' said the old man. 'I don't want a full erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
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