- Joined
- 1 May 2007
- Posts
- 2,904
- Reactions
- 52
Wysiwyg
Everyone wants money
- Joined
- 8 August 2006
- Posts
- 8,428
- Reactions
- 284
- Joined
- 18 June 2008
- Posts
- 1,071
- Reactions
- 2
doctorj
Hatchet Moderator
- Joined
- 3 January 2005
- Posts
- 3,271
- Reactions
- 8
George Bush is an anagram of ‘Bugger! Shoe!’
- Joined
- 18 June 2008
- Posts
- 1,071
- Reactions
- 2
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/12/17/2449454.htm
CBA blames Merrill Lynch for capital bungle
"The Commonwealth Bank has blamed broker Merrill Lynch for an embarrassing capital raising bungle.
Last night the Commonwealth Bank announced it had successfully raised $2 billion through a share placement, which had been overseen by broking firm Merrill Lynch.
......
Investors pulled out of the $27 per share placement when the Commonwealth Bank revealed it expected increases in bad loans after the share offer had closed."
This is whats called a real life joke
CBA blames Merrill Lynch for capital bungle
"The Commonwealth Bank has blamed broker Merrill Lynch for an embarrassing capital raising bungle.
Last night the Commonwealth Bank announced it had successfully raised $2 billion through a share placement, which had been overseen by broking firm Merrill Lynch.
......
Investors pulled out of the $27 per share placement when the Commonwealth Bank revealed it expected increases in bad loans after the share offer had closed."
This is whats called a real life joke
rub92me
Don't look back
- Joined
- 24 April 2006
- Posts
- 1,071
- Reactions
- 6
A motorcycle cop has been hiding in the bushes all day, hoping to catch a speeder. He finally pulls over a guy doing 180km an hour in a convertible Jag.
Grinning from ear to ear, the cop leans into the Jag and says: I've been waiting for you all day long, pal. The guy in the Jag, drunk as a skunk, replies: well offisher, I got here as fast as I could!
A bit later another motorcycle cop pulls over the same drunk. This time the cop is a female. She tells him: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk says: "t1ts"
Somewhat later the same drunk stumbles out of a bottleshop. He sees a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. He staggers over to the cop and says: "Come on pal, give a guy a break." The cop keeps writing the ticket. Come on, the drunk says, don't be such a friggin' Nazi! So the cop writes a second ticket for the car having a damaged tail light. The drunk calls him an ********, and the cop writes a third ticket for worn windshield wipers. This goes on for ten minutes: the drunk hurling abuse and the cop writing tickets. Finally the cop closes his book and says: are you satisfied now? The drunk says, I really don't give a damn offisher. My car is parked around the corner.
Grinning from ear to ear, the cop leans into the Jag and says: I've been waiting for you all day long, pal. The guy in the Jag, drunk as a skunk, replies: well offisher, I got here as fast as I could!
A bit later another motorcycle cop pulls over the same drunk. This time the cop is a female. She tells him: "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk says: "t1ts"
Somewhat later the same drunk stumbles out of a bottleshop. He sees a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. He staggers over to the cop and says: "Come on pal, give a guy a break." The cop keeps writing the ticket. Come on, the drunk says, don't be such a friggin' Nazi! So the cop writes a second ticket for the car having a damaged tail light. The drunk calls him an ********, and the cop writes a third ticket for worn windshield wipers. This goes on for ten minutes: the drunk hurling abuse and the cop writing tickets. Finally the cop closes his book and says: are you satisfied now? The drunk says, I really don't give a damn offisher. My car is parked around the corner.
- Joined
- 23 March 2005
- Posts
- 1,943
- Reactions
- 1
Why men have no reason to be depressed
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too disgusting.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People don't stare at your chest when you're talking to them, unless there is food on your shirt.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
You frequently get fed.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
People believe you when you give advice about computers or cars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You can buy clothes based entirely on what's on the size tag.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can wear sandals no matter how your toe nails look.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too disgusting.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People don't stare at your chest when you're talking to them, unless there is food on your shirt.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
You frequently get fed.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
People believe you when you give advice about computers or cars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is only $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
You can buy clothes based entirely on what's on the size tag.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one color for all seasons.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can wear sandals no matter how your toe nails look.
This really happened.
At a Californian political rally someone in the crowd threw an egg at Governor Schwartzneger, it hit him smack in the face. Before he finished wiping the egg, he replied with " where's the bacon". (say like he said 'I'll be back')
Legend
At a Californian political rally someone in the crowd threw an egg at Governor Schwartzneger, it hit him smack in the face. Before he finished wiping the egg, he replied with " where's the bacon". (say like he said 'I'll be back')
Legend
- Joined
- 31 January 2007
- Posts
- 411
- Reactions
- 0
A memo from the H.R. Dept. Sorry bout the censorship (its the ASF software) but I think you can work out the word.
Dear Employee,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who got AIDS or HERPES are not eligible to be SHAFTed or SCREWed any more.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Thanking you
HR
Dear Employee,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who got AIDS or HERPES are not eligible to be SHAFTed or SCREWed any more.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Thanking you
HR
- Joined
- 9 November 2007
- Posts
- 499
- Reactions
- 1
an Englishman an Irishman and an Aussie were the top three
candidates of a physics contest. having all tied
it was up to the final and deciding question for the Win.
Host:
Here's the final Question.
"What is the fastest thing in the universe?"
Englishman:
I would have to say Electricity as when I flick the switch the light turns on instantly. So Isay Electricity is the fastest thing in the Universe!
Host: Good Answer.
Irishman:
Well I think my answer is better than that, The speed of Thought is faster as thinking of switching the light on is faster than flicking the switch. Aye the Speed of Thought is the fastest thing in the Universe.
Host: Ah yes an even better Answer well done.
Aussie:
You all answered well, but I have to say Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the universe!
Host:
Confused? And Why do you say that?
Aussie:
Well last night right! when I was in bed right I got up, but before I could turn the light on! and even before I could think! I already shyt myself! So I have say Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the Universe.
candidates of a physics contest. having all tied
it was up to the final and deciding question for the Win.
Host:
Here's the final Question.
"What is the fastest thing in the universe?"
Englishman:
I would have to say Electricity as when I flick the switch the light turns on instantly. So Isay Electricity is the fastest thing in the Universe!
Host: Good Answer.
Irishman:
Well I think my answer is better than that, The speed of Thought is faster as thinking of switching the light on is faster than flicking the switch. Aye the Speed of Thought is the fastest thing in the Universe.
Host: Ah yes an even better Answer well done.
Aussie:
You all answered well, but I have to say Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the universe!
Host:
Confused?
And Why do you say that?Aussie:
Well last night right! when I was in bed right I got up, but before I could turn the light on! and even before I could think! I already shyt myself! So I have say Diarrhea is the fastest thing in the Universe.
Blonde Joke
A young ventriliquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going throgh his usual dumb blonds jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
" I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because of you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriliquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
A young ventriliquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going throgh his usual dumb blonds jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
" I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because of you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriliquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."
- Joined
- 31 January 2007
- Posts
- 411
- Reactions
- 0
Sometime in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I
have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm
going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a
large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over
and over. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George W. saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
George W. looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I
have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm
going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George W. thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a
large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over
and over. Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George W. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the
hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George W.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George W. saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
George W. looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said
'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
- Joined
- 20 August 2008
- Posts
- 73
- Reactions
- 0
Murder at Woolworths
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie'. Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!
- Joined
- 31 January 2007
- Posts
- 411
- Reactions
- 0
Actually, I dont believe this. Nobody could be that dumb could they???? Maybe they said it but I think they probably have very good script writers.
Priceless, eh? I wonder if they are this good in the sack.
HERE are the top 50 dumb blonde jokes cracked by Hollywood's hottest actors and socialites, complied by The Sun newspaper in London.
1) Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: "Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?"
2) Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'
3) Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless: "I think that the film was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
4) Chantelle Houghton when Big Brother said she had changed since becoming a celebrity: “I've changed? What do you mean... I've changed my clothes?"
5) Jodie Marsh in a recent interview: "Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops."
6) Paris Hilton on her technique on the red carpet: "I don't really think, I just walk."
7) Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: "A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It's my first day of 7th grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!"
8) Goldie Horn on her favourite types of films: "Comedy is funny".
9) Sam Fox on fitness clothes: "I’ve got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week."
10) Britney Spears on her taste in clothes: "So many people have asked me how I could possibly be a role model and dress like a tramp and get implants... all I have to say is that self-esteem is how you look at yourself and I feel good enough about myself so wear that kind of clothing... the breast implant issue has nothing to do with that..."
11) BB's Helen Adam’s on education: "The worst thing is when the press call me a dizzy blonde - I got a B in Drama, a D in English, I did a hairdressing course and a beauty certificate."
12) Lady Victoria Hervey on the homeless: "It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day."
13) Britney on Japan "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."
14) Jessica Simpson when offered buffalo wings: "Sorry I don't eat buffalo."
15) Paris Hilton on her fame: "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon."
16) Chantelle Houghton on George Galloway: "He looks at us like we're stupid, scatty, uneducated girls. He's a right chauvinistic pig, whatever that means!"
17) Cameron Diaz on science: "I've been noticing gravity since I was very young."
18) Britney Spears on where she might start her theatre career: "I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England.”
19) BB's Helen Adams on magic man Paul Daniels: "Yeah, you know Jack Daniels... he does all the magic stuff!"
20) Christina Aguilera on film festivals: "So where’s the Cannes film festival being held this year?"
21) Paris Hilton on her career choices: "First wanted to be a veterinarian. And then I realised you had to give them shots to put them to sleep, so I decided I'd just buy a bunch of animals and have them in my house instead."
22) Alicia Douvall on motherhood: "I think a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model as long as she's managed well. That's why I'm happy for Georgia to have a boob job because it will give her a career."
23) Chantelle Houghton on hearing George Galloway was an MP: "Does that mean you work in that big room with the green seats?"
24) Britney on capital punishment: "I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time."
25) BB2's Helen Adams on pulses: "How much chicken is there in chick peas?"
26) Chanelle Hayes on her Posh spice obsession: “I like what she (Victoria Beckham) wears. That's what magazines are all about - there's always a picture of a celebrity and where to buy a replica of what they're wearing. It's not as if I'm doing anything weird.”
27) Paris Hilton on her title: "I don't want to be known as the Hilton heiress, because I didn't do anything for that."
28) Tara Reid on her fellow blonde celeb: "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist."
29) Ivana Trump on literature: "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
30) Christina Aguilera on herself: "I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures."
31) Britney Spears on her first tour: "Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
32) Alicia Douvall on surgery: "I know it (plastic surgeries) will kill me. But I'd rather die trying to sort things out."
33) Jodie Marsh on cooking: "Is an egg a vegetable?"
34) Kimberly Stewart on Jennifer Aniston: "I like her cos she's like, homely. She must have something else going on cos it's not like she's gorgeous or anything.”
35) Jessica Simpson on her mood at the VH1 '05 video awards: "Isn’t it weird I’m getting all emotionable."
36) Helen Adams on BB2 : "I probably sound Welsh on the telly."
37) Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: "I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."
38) Chantelle Houghton on different types of doctors: "What’s a gynaecologist?"
39) Pamela Anderson on her secret to success: "I don't think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!"
40) Ivana Trump on getting one over on her ex's new girlfriend: “Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.”
41) Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
42) Heather Locklear on being proud of her heritage: "From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment's notice. I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had."
43) Jessica Simpson on her scantily clad videos: "I'm definitely shy, so it was definitely acting for me to drop a trench coat and be in a bikini and try to get my cousins out of trouble by using my body. That was definitely acting!"
44) Chantelle Houghton working out the shopping budget: "Eleventy-twelve pence? I don't get it. How much is that then?"
45) Britney on why she did a cover of I Love Rock and Roll: "I always loved Pat Benatar."
46) Emma Bunton on moobs: "I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing."
47) Cyndi Crawford on modelling: "In the studio, I do try to have a thought in my head, so that it's not like a blank stare."
48) The late Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: "Doesn't that hurt?"
49) Jessica Simpson to the President when visiting the White House: "I love what you’ve done with the place!"
50) Mischa Barton on being blessed with looks: "Pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas."
Priceless, eh? I wonder if they are this good in the sack.
HERE are the top 50 dumb blonde jokes cracked by Hollywood's hottest actors and socialites, complied by The Sun newspaper in London.
1) Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: "Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?"
2) Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'
3) Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless: "I think that the film was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
4) Chantelle Houghton when Big Brother said she had changed since becoming a celebrity: “I've changed? What do you mean... I've changed my clothes?"
5) Jodie Marsh in a recent interview: "Eskimos are uncivilised because they don't have any shops."
6) Paris Hilton on her technique on the red carpet: "I don't really think, I just walk."
7) Jessica Simpson on her first day at high school: "A teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. I was sooo excited. I was like, Damn it! It's my first day of 7th grade, I'm in junior high and I know this answer. So I raised my hand, I was the first one, and I said A-E-I-O-U!"
8) Goldie Horn on her favourite types of films: "Comedy is funny".
9) Sam Fox on fitness clothes: "I’ve got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week."
10) Britney Spears on her taste in clothes: "So many people have asked me how I could possibly be a role model and dress like a tramp and get implants... all I have to say is that self-esteem is how you look at yourself and I feel good enough about myself so wear that kind of clothing... the breast implant issue has nothing to do with that..."
11) BB's Helen Adam’s on education: "The worst thing is when the press call me a dizzy blonde - I got a B in Drama, a D in English, I did a hairdressing course and a beauty certificate."
12) Lady Victoria Hervey on the homeless: "It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day."
13) Britney on Japan "I've never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don't like eating fish. And I know that's very popular out there in Africa."
14) Jessica Simpson when offered buffalo wings: "Sorry I don't eat buffalo."
15) Paris Hilton on her fame: "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon."
16) Chantelle Houghton on George Galloway: "He looks at us like we're stupid, scatty, uneducated girls. He's a right chauvinistic pig, whatever that means!"
17) Cameron Diaz on science: "I've been noticing gravity since I was very young."
18) Britney Spears on where she might start her theatre career: "I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England.”
19) BB's Helen Adams on magic man Paul Daniels: "Yeah, you know Jack Daniels... he does all the magic stuff!"
20) Christina Aguilera on film festivals: "So where’s the Cannes film festival being held this year?"
21) Paris Hilton on her career choices: "First wanted to be a veterinarian. And then I realised you had to give them shots to put them to sleep, so I decided I'd just buy a bunch of animals and have them in my house instead."
22) Alicia Douvall on motherhood: "I think a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model as long as she's managed well. That's why I'm happy for Georgia to have a boob job because it will give her a career."
23) Chantelle Houghton on hearing George Galloway was an MP: "Does that mean you work in that big room with the green seats?"
24) Britney on capital punishment: "I am for the death penalty. Who commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way he learns the lesson for the next time."
25) BB2's Helen Adams on pulses: "How much chicken is there in chick peas?"
26) Chanelle Hayes on her Posh spice obsession: “I like what she (Victoria Beckham) wears. That's what magazines are all about - there's always a picture of a celebrity and where to buy a replica of what they're wearing. It's not as if I'm doing anything weird.”
27) Paris Hilton on her title: "I don't want to be known as the Hilton heiress, because I didn't do anything for that."
28) Tara Reid on her fellow blonde celeb: "I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist."
29) Ivana Trump on literature: "Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
30) Christina Aguilera on herself: "I'm an ocean, because I'm really deep. If you search deep enough you can find rare exotic treasures."
31) Britney Spears on her first tour: "Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
32) Alicia Douvall on surgery: "I know it (plastic surgeries) will kill me. But I'd rather die trying to sort things out."
33) Jodie Marsh on cooking: "Is an egg a vegetable?"
34) Kimberly Stewart on Jennifer Aniston: "I like her cos she's like, homely. She must have something else going on cos it's not like she's gorgeous or anything.”
35) Jessica Simpson on her mood at the VH1 '05 video awards: "Isn’t it weird I’m getting all emotionable."
36) Helen Adams on BB2 : "I probably sound Welsh on the telly."
37) Mariah Carey on the death of the King of Jordan: "I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."
38) Chantelle Houghton on different types of doctors: "What’s a gynaecologist?"
39) Pamela Anderson on her secret to success: "I don't think about anything too much . . . If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out!"
40) Ivana Trump on getting one over on her ex's new girlfriend: “Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.”
41) Brooke Shields on her campaign against smoking: "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
42) Heather Locklear on being proud of her heritage: "From an early age I was aware of what America meant, and how the Marines at Camp Pendleton were ready to defend us at a moment's notice. I also remember what fabulous bodies those troops had."
43) Jessica Simpson on her scantily clad videos: "I'm definitely shy, so it was definitely acting for me to drop a trench coat and be in a bikini and try to get my cousins out of trouble by using my body. That was definitely acting!"
44) Chantelle Houghton working out the shopping budget: "Eleventy-twelve pence? I don't get it. How much is that then?"
45) Britney on why she did a cover of I Love Rock and Roll: "I always loved Pat Benatar."
46) Emma Bunton on moobs: "I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort thing."
47) Cyndi Crawford on modelling: "In the studio, I do try to have a thought in my head, so that it's not like a blank stare."
48) The late Anna Nicole Smith on suicide bombers: "Doesn't that hurt?"
49) Jessica Simpson to the President when visiting the White House: "I love what you’ve done with the place!"
50) Mischa Barton on being blessed with looks: "Pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas."
The Somali pirates, renegade Somalis known for hijacking ships for ransom in the Gulf of Aden, are negotiating a purchase of Citigroup.
The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.
“You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.
The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.
Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”
The pirates would buy Citigroup with new debt and their existing cash stockpiles, earned most recently from hijacking numerous ships, including most recently a $200 million Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The Somali pirates are offering up to $0.10 per share for Citigroup, pirate spokesman Sugule Ali said earlier today. The negotiations have entered the final stage, Ali said.
“You may not like our price, but we are not in the business of paying for things. Be happy we are in the mood to offer the shareholders anything,” said Ali.
The pirates will finance part of the purchase by selling new Pirate Ransom Backed Securities. The PRBS’s are backed by the cash flows from future ransom payments from hijackings in the Gulf of Aden. Moody’s and S&P have already issued their top investment grade ratings for the PRBS’s.
Head pirate, Ubu Kalid Shandu, said: “We need a bank so that we have a place to keep all of our ransom money. Thankfully, the dislocations in the capital markets has allowed us to purchase Citigroup at an attractive valuation and to take advantage of TARP capital to grow the business even faster.”
Similar threads
