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ASF joke thread

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I went to the train station and asked the clerk for a return ticket.

He said, "where to"?

I said, "back here you dim wit".

:D
 
BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,

and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer

while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
 
Beautiful Queen with large breasts


Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story - Pay your dues.
 
I think this is the biggest joke on life :)

There where three Gods all arguing over where to hide all the wisdom there is for man
The first God said “ Lets hide it on top of the tallest mountain. “ “Man will never think of looking for it there”.
The other two Gods disagreed and said “one day man will conquer the highest mountain and will find such a treasure “
The second God said “ lets hide it in the deepest ocean Man will never think of looking for it there”
Again the other two Gods disagreed saying “Eventually man will conquer the seas and find it “
The third God said “ I have the perfect place to hide all his wisdom.” “ Lets hide it in Man’s brain” . “He will never think of looking for it there “
The three Gods agreed

Geoff
 
I don't know where to post this. But I thought it was funny ( but sad!)

http://www.cnbc.com/id/27661724

Downturn May Tighten Mafia Grip on Italy's Economy

Italian shopkeepers pay about 250 million euros a day to Mafia protection rackets and loan sharks and fear the current downturn could allow the mob to further tighten its stranglehold on the vulnerable economy.

The warning came on Tuesday from the Italian shopkeepers' association Confesercenti, many of whose members are frightened into paying the "pizzo" -- as protection money is known -- to the various regional crime groups in southern Italy.

"The economic crisis makes the Mafia even more dangerous," said Confesercenti Chairman Marco Venturi, presenting a study called "Crime's Hold on Business."

"Mafia businesses threaten to use the economy's weakness and uncertainty to strengthen their position," he said, urging banks and government to secure credit so that desperate firms do not turn to loan sharks, though an estimated 180,000 already have.
Click to expand...
 
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so you don't forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment.



'Where's my toast ?”
 
A woman has divorced her husband after she caught him repeatedly "cheating" on her in the online game Second Life.

British woman Amy Taylor, 28, fell in love with countryman David Pollard, 40, after they met in an internet chat forum.

The pair met up in person and married in July 2005, but both maintained a strong presence online by setting up avatars ”” virtual representations of themselves ”” in the game Second Life.

But their relationship ran into to trouble when Ms Taylor arrived home one night to find Mr Pollard at the computer watching his avatar have sex with a prostitute.

When she confronted him about it, Mr Pollard insisted the online encounter meant nothing and maintained he was being faithful to her.

"I went mad ”” I was so hurt," she was quoted as saying in UK tabloid The Daily Mail.

"But he didn't see it as a problem, and couldn't see why I was so upset. He said I was just making a big fuss and tried to make out it was my fault for not giving him enough attention."

The pair then reconciled ”” until another incident in April this year when Ms Taylor caught her husband's character canoodling a young female avatar on a couch.

She demanded to view her husband's chat history after learning the female character belonged to a real-life woman in the United States.

But Mr Pollard erased the records before she could look at them.

"I ended up going off in floods of tears," she said.

"He confessed he'd been talking to this woman player in America for one or two weeks, and said our marriage was over and he didn't love me anymore, and we should never have got married."

Ms Taylor said she filed for divorce the next day.

But in a further twist in the tale, the recent divorcee is now seeing a man she met in another virtual universe ”” World of Warcraft.

Her new romance had helped her move on from a "terrible" period in her life, she said.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665873
 

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A turtle is on his way home when he is attacked by a mob of Snails so the Turtle goes to the Police station to report it and the policeman ask the Turtle to explain what happened to which the turtle replied well I am not sure it all happen so fast.
 
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar, one says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
 
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says, "What are your doing? She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
 
Q/ why dont you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A/ cos the black ones will steal ur watch

Q/ what do one in 10 people hate?
A/ gang rape

chuck norris ate his mouth

your mummas so fat she got a life ban from her local all you can eat
 
Bedtime for husband & wife. Wife hops into bed & husband goes into ensuite. When he comes out, wife quickly says, I've got a headache. Husband says, that's OK, I've ground up a panadol & sprinkled it on the end of my dick.
You can take it orally or as a suppository.
 
kirtdog said:
Q/ why dont you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A/ cos the black ones will steal ur watch

Q/ what do one in 10 people hate?
A/ gang rape

chuck norris ate his mouth

your mummas so fat she got a life ban from her local all you can eat
Click to expand...

I find this very offensive! :mad:

How dare you say that about my mother! It's not her fault they ran out of food! :p:
 

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