ASF joke thread

[arco]

.
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[roland]

A blonde wife and her husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbour's dog was barking.

This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this."

So she gets up, puts on her robe and goes down stairs and out the back door.

A little while later, she comes back.

"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the husband.

"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."

 

[CoffeeKing]

A blonde wife and her husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbour's dog was barking.

This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this."

So she gets up, puts on her robe and goes down stairs and out the back door.

A little while later, she comes back.

"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the husband.

"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."

ROFL ROFL

 

[cornnfedd]

possibly the biggest joke of this year..

 

[Glen48]

I heard there is a No. 2 Hotel now in Sydney

 

[Boggo]

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies...
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

 

[Bronte]

Subject: Market philosophy

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers
that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy
at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys
again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little
that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant
would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them
to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to
him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys
everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works

 

[arco]

Bored??????

http://www.pointlesssites.com/

 

[arco]

Woman jailed for 'killing' virtual husband

A woman in Japan has been jailed after allegedly killing off the character of her internet boyfriend in a popular online game.

The 43-year-old piano teacher admitted the allegations, the Associated Press reported, and blamed a sudden "divorce" from her online "husband" for triggering her actions.

She was jailed on suspicion of logging on with his password and killing off the man's character in the Maple Story game, which is an online role-laying game similar to the popular World of Warcraft.

If convicted, she could face up to five years in prison to illegally manipulating electronic data, AP reported.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4738606a28.html

 

[Sean K]

The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the pastor not to
enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

[arco]

I put this on the Cafe thread by mistake......

Anyway its very funny IMO

Dr Jay n Easy Lee - Dear Penis

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EZ3lw-eNrFk

 

[roland]

An elderly gentlemen had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[mike85]

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

[awg]

how crude can a joke be and still be acceptable on ASF Joke thread?

I only know crude ones!

I will partially obliterate the offending words

Is there a guideline somewhere?

warning..if no-one answers I will post one and find out!

 

[derty]

The Meaty Bites Diet

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

 

[BBand]

IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH

This morning , from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, the Taliban Minister for Emigration, Mohammed Omar,
warned Australia, that if military action against Iraq continues,

Taliban authorities will cut of Australias supply of convenience store managers,
And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers --------

Its getting ugly folks !

 

[bankit]

Our neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE). It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the heebie jeebies. I think she is just weird!

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

 

[sam76]

How many internet forum members to change a light bulb?

Only 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

And 1 electrician to fix up the mess!

 

[cuttlefish]

You forgot one person to post that chuck norris doesn't change for anyone, lightbulbs change for him, but he still rejects them anyway ... (or something like that )

 

[sam76]

You forgot one person to post that chuck norris doesn't change for anyone, lightbulbs change for him, but he still rejects them anyway ... (or something like that )

lol

Chuck norris creates light by clicking his fingers.