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ASF joke thread

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A priest books in to a hotel and says to the hotel clerk “I hope the pr0n channel in my room is disabled”

She replies “No sir, it’s just regular pr0n you sick Bastard!
 
A typical long term investor, reflecting on the past 6 months:
"This is way worse than a divorce ...I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife."
 
The French bank Caisse d"Epargne has admitted it lost E600mn in a derivatives trading incident last week, blaming extreme volatility in the markets....
volatility plays havoc with risk assessment and control.... apparently...

Cheers
..........Kauri
 
Sex at the
Nursing home.........


Harold is
95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder
His accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age
87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know
It, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their
Conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I
Miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?' 'Sex!!' he
Replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get
It up if I held a
Gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says,
'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold
It for a
While.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his
Trousers, removes his
Manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward,
They agree to meet secretly
Each night in the garden where they
Would sit and talk and Mildred would
Hold Harold's
Manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual
Meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make
Sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home
Where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female
Resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred
Yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I
Don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
'Parkinson's.'
 
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a
beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to $5, when her mobile
phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the
hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last
shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's
condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband
has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you
went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last shopping
trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require around the
clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said,

"I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead! What'd you buy?"
 
Heightened Threat Levels In Europe

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the 'Great Fire' of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy
 
Believe me things in Britain are a lot worse than people realize.​
 

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Sick Leave……..
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
 
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day..............
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
 
Buddy said:
When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day..............
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson'


HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
Click to expand...

That's a bit like the notices from older resturants and motels:

"All Water Used in This Establishment Has Been Passed by the Supervisor
 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully at the
age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the
coffin. They put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started.

Shut up. You know it's funny :)
 
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour


COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.


NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.


SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....


A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.


AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
 
Same joke as bassmanpete's, just a slight twist ...
bmp said:
Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari
Click to expand...

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker, day 40?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Hyundai (?)
 
Husband says to the wife "what do you want for your birthday"
Wife says something sleek slim and shiny that goes from 0 to 120 in 6 seconds

Husband goes and buys some bathroom scales
 
Nice Cosby gags, CK! ;)

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: the phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, You don't know them.' I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,

But last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

My question is.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed, Perplexed
 

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