ASF joke thread

[fordxbt]

A man approached a timid looking woman in a bar and asked if she had ever been f**ked before she replied no so he talked her in to buying some Zinifex shares right before the merger with Oxiana

ahaha. it was the quickest ****ing ive ever had

 

[2020hindsight]

fellow meets a lady in a bar and it ends up with "your place or mine",
after coffee she says, "ok we can go to bed now, but I warn you I like men to show good manners even in bed"
"like what ?" he says with some confusion in his voice
"well - you know - manners! - like at the dinner table for instance"
so they get into bed .... pregnant pause
"err hi sweetheart" he says cautiosly "would you please pass the vagina"

 

[BBand]

Two red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened intently until he heard an answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irish man was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, Its our custom during mating season when Indian man see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
Immediately, there was an answer.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found
There must be some really big, fine woman in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! like the others.
He heard the answering call, "WOOOOOO!, WOOOOOO!, WOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local paper read ..........








NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[cuttlefish]

The US economy.





(now is that a record for the shortest joke on here? )

 

[BBand]

Dave and Jim

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.

Dave said, "Man, I wish I had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz."

"You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects
Nothing!

Then the phone rings. Its Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too, You don't have a hangover?"

Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"Whats that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No"

"Well, DON'T, cause I'm in Perth!"

 

[sam76]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

[Buddy]

Yeah, Yeah. But Chuck doesn't do any of that.

 

[nioka]

Yeah, Yeah. But Chuck doesn't do any of that.

Chuck was number 9. It got chucked out.

 

[sam76]

Chuck is neither good nor bad.

Chuck IS

 

[Kauri]

ME..​

 

[Greg71]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

Yeah, it's like they're saying, "It's O.K., I understand, all mysteries of the universe have been revealed to me so i know what you're going through, I really empathize. I am an empathy centre, I understand people, it's what I do..."

 

[Greg71]

Dave and Jim

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.

Dave said, "Man, I wish I had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz."

"You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects
Nothing!

Then the phone rings. Its Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Dave says, "I feel great, how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too, You don't have a hangover?"

Dave says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"Whats that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No"

"Well, DON'T, cause I'm in Perth!"

I don't get it.

 

[Boggo]

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?". The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black person to be elected President of the United States." St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?" To which Obama replies, "About twenty minutes ago."

 

[2020hindsight]

I don't get it.

greg
there used to be a version of this one when the Concorde first came out lol

Paddy and Seamus working as janitors at the airport - they see this liquid dripping from the tanks of the Concorde. ...
try it - decide it's not too bad - heck it's near enough to knocking off ...
have themselves a blinder of a party...stagger home etc

Next day Seamus wakes with the mother of all hangovers - phone is ringing...
"oooh, yesss, oouch" he says tentatively

"Seamus , this is Paddy !" comes an equally painful voice, but with a sense of urgency about it

"Seamus how do you feel ?" "lousy" says Seamus

"ok, ok , now look in the miirror, is your nose all elongated and sorta hanging down?" -

"oo aye it is and all" says Seamus

"ok ok , now try this, when you put your arms back do your elbows lock?"

"oo aye they do! , they do!!" sez Seamus

"Well" sez Paddy, "for chrise sakes don't fart, I'm calling from Bahrain!"

 

[2020hindsight]

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find Australia.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered Australia?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

[Greg71]

Ahhh...I get it.

I was actually typing that I still didn't get it, then I got it.

Here's one I found on another forum. I thought it was quite funny, so here it is.


Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said,

'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said,

'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said,

'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

 

[Greg71]

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[Bronte]

A Bunbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the
car salesroom. Taking off down the freeway, he floored it to 160 kmph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!'
he thought as he flew down the Bunbury bypass, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a, police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase
as he floored it to 180 kmph, then 190, then 200 kmph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side
of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can
give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago,
my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

 

[CAB SAV]

This is the right thread for ASIC, asx delay isn't it?

 

[Wysiwyg]

Been done before but still funny in m.o.

The definition of having some balls.

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''