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ASF joke thread

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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert alwayswanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, hebought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.' Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walkedback into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anythingdifferent NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hangingdown today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down againtomorrow!' Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'Nope', she replied. IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!' Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought ahat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
 
There's allegedly a subtle difference between BALLS - as you define - and GUTS (according to the cyberjoke anyway (and according to these definitions, I have neither - not sure I want to go there, coed website as this is, lol). I'm sure the girls could retaliate with similar jokes :-

by "contrast"...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Click to expand...
 
Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson
 
This baby Seal walks in to a club.



A Chicken and an Egg were having a smoke after sex and the Chicken turns to the Egg and says I gyess that answers that question.
 
A frog jumps off the building. Quack!
A dog catches fire. Whooff!
 
A man was driving down a street when he noticed two men that were working for the council. One man was digging a hole, and when finished, the other worker would fill it back up. Confused, the driver approached the two council worker's, "I don't doubt how hard you two are working, but what exactly are you doing?"

The man digging the hole slowly looked up and wiped the sweat from his brow. He looked at the driver and said, "The guy that puts the trees in is havin' his day off."
 
rub92me said:
A dog catches fire. Whooff!
Click to expand...

Keeping with the theme...

how do you make a cat go woof...douse it in petrol and light it with a match

How do you make a dog go meow... run it through a band saw

disclaimer: no animals were hurt in the writing of this

:bier:

blue
 
Glen48 said:
This baby Seal walks in to a club.



A Chicken and an Egg were having a smoke after sex and the Chicken turns to the Egg and says I gyess that answers that question.
Click to expand...

Glen48,

I missed it completely...pls enlighten me on this....
 
Then there was the old Jewish bloke who bought the DVD of "The Prostitute who entertains Old Men" ........ wore it out ....

kept playing it backwards watching her give the money back
 
The Blonde and the Deodorant

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
 
Is this still funny?

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Potash @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
 
Some jokes about the current financial crisis from the BBC web site:

Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply
 
And from the same BBC source:
Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving
 
The printing presses are running hot at the moment
 

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"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher


"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno


"Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what's going on." --Jay Leno
 
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