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ASF joke thread

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is this like an old timer joke where im jsut missing something, doesnt seem that funny to me, is there a punch line?
 
hey white
I'm not meaning to be difficult here
I just assumed you were taking the piss
You obviously didn't go to Sunday school lol - maybe that's it :eek:
peace bro
 
2020hindsight said:
hey white
I'm not meaning to be difficult here
I just assumed you were taking the piss
You obviously didn't go to Sunday school lol - maybe that's it :eek:
peace bro
Click to expand...

i went to a private catholic boys school for 8 years... im not catholic tho, but yeh i still dont quite get it, let me re-read it...
 
Got a giggle from this one... :)

WARNING for you 'STIFF' types... Contains sexual innuendos :D


In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Click to expand...
 
My nursing home.

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.



ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge
 
Computer Error.



Old Harold. I called Harold the computer guy, to come over and fix a problem. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem and billed me for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'



I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that ... In case I need to fix it again?' Harold grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out. ' So I wrote down:

I D 1 0 T I used to like Harold.....
 
Just read this on the Yahoo7 (after posting there about showing 2.5 hours of softball:mad:)

These are hilarious!!!

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the last Olympics that they would like to take back

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
 
bankit said:
My nursing home.

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.



ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge
Click to expand...

raflmao on this one - book me in 2, except on these ships
-
 
I've seen the second one before - but its awesome footage isn't it - it would have been a wild ride on board that one.
 
dutchie said:
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Sydney to Perth.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
Click to expand...
I think i have heard this before. anyways i enjoyed it
vik
 
Seniors moment.

Thank Heavens I'm not this bad - yet.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives

went into the kitchen and the two elderly gentlemen were talking and one said,

"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I really

recommend it." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The

first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his

companion,"Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you

love?" His friend replies, "A carnation?" "No, no, the other one." His friend

offers another suggestion, "The poppy?" "No," growls the man, "You know the one

that is red and has thorns". "Ah," said his friend "You mean the rose". "Yes

that's right," he says and calls out to the kitchen, "Rose, what was the name of

that restaurant we went to last night."

 
the store owners cannot work out why they are continually raided by the local police
 

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Two blondes decided one Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree.

They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blonde. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do.

They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up!

There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
 
ha good one roland.
a senior's joke :-

An old couple invite another old couple to dinner.
After the meal, the two ladies retire to the kitchen, and the men are left to chat alone by the fire.

One says "we went to this lovely restaurant recently ..." stares at the fire.
Pause . The other says " oh really , what was its name?"
"mmmm , say what's that flower again?"
"er daisy"
"no no no ... "
"mmm hibiscus"
"no no..."
"mmm frangipanni "
"NO NO - you know, the red one ,..... with the thorns"
"ahh you mean Rose !!"
"AHHH yes - " and he calls out to the kitchen ..
"hey Rose , what was the name of that restaurant we went to the other day !?"
 

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