ASF joke thread

[korrupt_1]

Classic

 

[impala_group]

Voted the best joke in Ireland.....

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

[nioka]

Korrupt. If you think that is classic you can't have much imagination. Anyone that swears like that only shows that they haven't had a good enough education to express themselves properly. Any fool can swear and most do.

 

[Naked shorts]

Korrupt. If you think that is classic you can't have much imagination. Anyone that swears like that only shows that they haven't had a good enough education to express themselves properly. Any fool can swear and most do.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do."
Dale Carnegie

 

[fordxbt]

go gordon, i want you in my workplace you ****a

 

[2020hindsight]

Classic

:iagree:

 

[cuttlefish]

Four posts in a row without a joke. Very f******g dissappointing.

 

[korrupt_1]

Korrupt. If you think that is classic you can't have much imagination. Anyone that swears like that only shows that they haven't had a good enough education to express themselves properly. Any fool can swear and most do.

lol... Nokia, you make me laff you old stiff... loosen up... he swears just for the ratings... If you worked where i use to work in a machine workshop - some of the guys makes Ramsey look well educated and tamed... your ears would bleed.

Anyway,... another Gordan Joke

Q: What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a Knife?

A: One is a kitchen tool, the other is just a tool in the kitchen!

 

[JTLP]

What do you call a Gay Dinosaur?

Mega-Saur-Ass

SCHWING

 

[nioka]

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do."
Dale Carnegie

We are all fools in the eyes of someone. The answer lies in the eyes of how MANY others. I used to swear like a trooper. Worked on a whaling station with no females around. One day an old maori chap who had never been to school said to me that I should have had enough education to be able to express myself without swearing. It made me think about it. I thanked him, stopped swearing and I think I am now less of a fool than I was in the past.

Constructive criticism never hurts regardless of whether Dale Carnegie says it does or does not win friends and influence people. I doubt if he would have said to swear will win friends and influence people.

 

[Naked shorts]

Constructive criticism never hurts regardless of whether Dale Carnegie says it does or does not win friends and influence people. I doubt if he would have said to swear will win friends and influence people.

Well here is some constructive criticism for you: if you don't find a joke funny, don't go out of your way to insult the person telling the joke.

time to bring back the happy vibe


How many stockbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?

2, one to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

 

[2020hindsight]

oldie but a goodie (imo )

Seamus walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?”The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, you don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, Shaun back in Ireland, and Paddy in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week Seamus came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender finally gets up the courage to say to him, “Ahhh Seamus - what terrible news, I’m so sorry that one of your brothers died.”

Seamus says, “Oh, me brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”

PS the joke about Gordon Ramsey's Omelette appeals to me , precisely because it's full of swearing - but I would no sooner consider watching him on TV than flying to the flaming moon.

(or to the F***ing moon I guess )

 

[Bronte]

A doctor was addressing a large audience......



"Red meat is bad for you," he told the audience.

"Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

"Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

" High fat diets are disastrous.

"No one knows the long-term effect of germs in our drinking water,"

said the doctor.

"But one food is the most dangerous of all and I bet every one

of you has eaten it at least once. Can anyone tell me which food causes

the most grief for years after you eat it?"

An old man in the front row raised his hand and softly asked,

“Is it wedding cake?"

 

[Bronte]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"


Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh"
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

 

[2020hindsight]

lol - good ones nakedshorts and bronte...

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

lol - sounds like blackmail to me

 

[Whitsy]

What is the difference difference between LIGHT and HARD ????

You can sleep with the light on but......

I crack mysself up

 

[2020hindsight]

lol

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''
''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

(Sh1nbone - that one must be 30 years old plus)

 

[nioka]

My friend Tom told me that if he insists on going fishing each weekend his wife will leave him.

God he'll miss that woman.

 

[2020hindsight]

lol

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[ZzzzDad]

My friend Tom told me that if he insists on going fishing each weekend his wife will leave him.

God he'll miss that woman.

Nioka - sounds like the Brad Paisley country song :

I'm Gonna Miss Her lyrics

Well I love her
But I love to fish
I spend all day out on this lake
And hell is all I catch
Today she met me at the door
Said I would have to choose
If I hit that fishin' hole today
She'd be packin' all her things
And she'd be gone by noon

Well I'm gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
That I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

Now there's a chance that if I hurry
I could beg her to stay
But that water's right
And the weather's perfect
No tellin' what I might catch today

SO I'm gonna miss her
When I get home
But right now I'm on this lakeshore
And I'm sittin' in the sun
I'm sure it'll hit me
When I walk through that door tonight
YEAH I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, ANOTHER bite

Yeah, I'm gonna miss her
Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite