ASF joke thread

[2020hindsight]

lol
ripper bb
these are pretty tame by comparison
http://www.comics.com/creators/wizardofid/archive/wizardofid-20071216.html

 

[2020hindsight]

.......... one for you people on calorie counters

 

[AndrewM123]

I like this thread near the top !!!

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he
> saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his
> driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.
> He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
> "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
> "We HAVE TO eat grass."
> Immediately the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house
> and I'll feed you!"
> "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under
> that tree."
> Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
> Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too." The second
> man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
> "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
> Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
> you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you"
> Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
> You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
>

 

[2020hindsight]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free Box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a Free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year ..
they send us a complete pr1ck.”

 

[treefrog]

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to
his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine
and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop
and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

*** Remember ... they walk among us! ***

 

[2020hindsight]

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

tfrog, yep lol - this one is a true story for sure ...

There was a study into accidents with tractors when I was a student. Damned things roll real easy etc.

Anyway, they had to include all miscellaneous accidents.

The "winner" - as you call it - was one where a bloke had lost the cap of his petrol tank - and needed to look down the spout to check the level. Trouble is it was getting on late into the evening, and pretty dark - so - as he was peering down the tube , he lit a match for a bit of light on the subject

(he lived btw - never did it again I suspect )

 

[nioka]

A police officer on a routine patrol, parked outside the local bar, noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could hardly walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for some time with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys in several vechiles he finally opened one and fell into it. While he was doing this quite a few of the pub patrons left in their vehicles completely ignoring the poor fellow. The officer was quitely observing. The man finally drove off slowly down the street where he was eventually pulled up by police car, flashing lights,siren and all. Given a breathalyser test, the driver showed a nil reading. Dumbfounded the officer said" I'll have to take you to the station, the breathalyser equipment must be broken". "I doubt it" said the man "tonight I'm the designated Decoy".

 

[2020hindsight]

Garfield on the oil crisis...

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin
and
North-West Continental Shelf
~~~


Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Canberra!!!

Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't Think So.

 

[jman2007]

Hehe...

Not really one for blonde jokes, but this one is an absolute screamer!!

The president of the Nth American Blonde Society finally decided that it was high time to dispel the myths and stereotypes surrounding blonde women once and for all, and decided to hold a blonde rally for all the world to see.

50,000 blondes packed into a sports arena, and the president called up one of the members of the crowd onto the stage. "Ok" says the president to the girl, "to show the world just how far we have come, let's start with a simple question. What is 2 plus 1?". The blonde girl fidgets for some time, and sheepishly replies "....4?"

The president winces, "That's ok, that was just a warm-up question". Meanwhile, the 50,000 blondes erupt in a huge cry, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!...GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!". "Very well" cries the president, "for your next question, can you tell me what 3 plus 2 equals?". The blonde girl ponders this next question, and after an age confidently replies " ...the answer is 6!" A collective groan escapes from the audience.

Sensing disaster, the president tries one more time, "Ok, for the sake of all blonde women in the world, can you tell me the answer to 2 plus 2?". The blonde girl looks around desperately hoping for some kind of help, but eventually nervously replies "...is the answer 4?". The president cannot believe it, "Yes!!" she cries, "4 is the correct answer!!"

The crowd of 50,000 blondes erupts in a huge cry, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!...GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"

jman

 

[2020hindsight]

Lol - ripper jman

reminds me of Dan Quayle
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Quayle

His most famous blunder occurred when he corrected a student's correct spelling of "potato" to "potatoe" at an elementary school spelling bee in Trenton, New Jersey, on June 15, 1992.[13] According to his memoirs, Quayle was uncomfortable with the version he gave, but did so because he decided to trust what he described as incorrect written materials provided by the school. He informed student William Figueroa that he had misspelled the word "potato", when in fact Figueroa had spelled it correctly. Quayle then had Figueroa add an "e" making it incorrect, being spelled "potatoe". Quayle was widely lambasted for his apparent inability to spell the word "potato." Figueroa was a guest on Late Night with David Letterman and was asked to lead the pledge of allegiance at the 1992 Democratic National Convention. The event became a lasting part of Quayle's reputation.

As Vice President, Quayle was the first chairman of the National Space Council, a space policy body reestablished by statute in 1988. Shortly after Bush announced the Space Exploration Initiative, which included a manned landing on Mars, Quayle was asked his thoughts on sending humans to Mars. His response was stunning for the number of errors he made in just a few short sentences. "Mars is essentially in the same orbit [as earth]....Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."[12

 

[2020hindsight]

POTATOE

Lloyd Bentsen puts down Dan Quayle

wisdom of Dan Quayle

If Al Gore invented the internet , then I invented spell check !"

lol roflmao
strongly recommended viewing lol

 

[jman2007]

Lol, nice one 20/20!...

Lloyd Bentsen's takedown was pretty legendary, I might have to watch that one again!

jman

 

[black_bird2]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."



Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[AndrewM123]

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!'

 

[Kauri]

True story... unfortunately..
Went with my wife shopping for her new car, was looking at a Mazda2 when a well spoken Indian salesman approached and asked if he could help. My wife promptly said "no, wrong colour", whereupon he surprisingly walked away. Another salesman, australian, approached and asked if he was the right colour!! After apologising profusely to the Indian gentleman we beat a hasty retreat.
Cheers
.........Kauri

 

[Miner]

This is not a joke but probably a metaphor.
Any way sharing with you all

WHY WORRYING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINION IS COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE..IGNORE THEM


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot
happier and live longer!

 

[AndrewM123]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[sassa]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

 

[2020hindsight]

ripper sassa lol

 

[AndrewM123]

Just received from a Mog (Morgan owner)friend serving in Basra

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:


a. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
b. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
c. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
d. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions]
e. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
f. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]
g. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
h. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]


The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:


a.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
b.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'


All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt