ASF joke thread

If the World was fair to Guys...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the **** and a 'cheers for the sex' would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would onlyoccur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football' would be 'Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-**** answer you respondedwith would actually reduce your fine. Example - Cop: 'Do you know howfast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer allover the place.' Cop: 'Nice one, that's $20 off.'

10. Stubbies shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards peryear.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ballgoes out of play.

14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptableresponse to 'I love you.'

15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.

16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excusefor absence and/or poor time keeping.

17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.

19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and itwould work every time.

21. Everyone would drive at least 110kph and anyone driving under thatwould be fined.

22. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire instrippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to yourwife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!'

24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

25. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements wouldbe settled by a fight to the death.

26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive tothe opposite sex.

27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver twoSwedish milk maids.

28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd getto slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone

29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman's question of "Doesmy bum look big in this?"

They`re funny Sam.Unfortunately the woman was emotional and vengeful.According to her mother `breaking up is hard to do`.She wanted a fight and thats what she got.

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the **** and a 'cheers for the sex' would pretty much do it.

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In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant

A rather amusing ebay item up for sale.

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI...sid=m37&satitle=250280309940&category0=&fvi=1

sam76 said:

A rather amusing ebay item up for sale.

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI...sid=m37&satitle=250280309940&category0=&fvi=1

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lol @ 'Sorry love, I've been meaning to tell you for years but I am a closet transvestite and they are mine'.

Naked shorts said:

Well here is some constructive criticism for you: if you don't find a joke funny, don't go out of your way to insult the person telling the joke. .

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Why not. For some people, swearing is an insult to their own intelligence. (And certainly offensive, especially in mixed company.)

nioka said:

Why not. For some people, swearing is an insult to their own intelligence. (And certainly offensive, especially in mixed company.)

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Why is it any different swearing in mixed company?

Bit old fashioned don't you think?

I personally found the joke quite funny, don't think it was the swearing that made it funny more the play on how Gordon Ramsey carries on.

nomore4s said:

Why is it any different swearing in mixed company?

Bit old fashioned don't you think?

I personally found the joke quite funny, don't think it was the swearing that made it funny more the play on how Gordon Ramsey carries on.

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And what is wrong with being a litte old fashioned about some things that matter.

nioka said:

And what is wrong with being a litte old fashioned about some things that matter.

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then again nioka
you don't have to swear to turn an intended joke into an insult..
ask Alex Downer, (and you won't find anyone more old fashioned than him) - about that joke that cropped his political career ... with his "things that batter" "joke" etc

While we're on the subject of swearing:

Swearing at Work

Dear Staff


It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training.
Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch.

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late.
Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole.

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the f***?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.
Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues.
Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Budweiser swear jar

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!




Man's penis stuck in park benchBy staff writers
August 13, 2008 04:24pm

A MAN is lucky to still have a penis after he stuck it in a metal park bench and became stuck, doctors say.

At least a dozen police and emergency services workers were called to the park in Hong Kong after 41-year-old Le Xing’s penis became trapped in a hole, apparently after he became aroused.

According to reports from Hong Kong, the “lonely and disturbed” Mr Xing told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench, UK’s The Telegraph reported.

Unfortunately for Mr Xing, news crews descended on the park to film the rescue effort:

Doctors had tried to drain some of Mr Xing’s blood in an attempt to loosen his penis, but to no avail.

Rescuers eventually cut away part of the bench and Mr Xing was taken to hospital where doctors took another four hours to free him.

They said if Mr Xing had been stuck for another hour they would have had to amputate his penis.

www.news.com.au

LOL gotta be an anciant proverb in that one!

man who stick dicky in holy seat, end up with splinter in meat ?

wow...LOL..love your joke..

lol - knew an old lady who had a dog like that once. - very prim and proper she was - taking the dog for a walk in the park with as much grace as she could muster - meanwhile it was humping everying in sight - including trees , park benches, you name it .

one of the oldest jokes in the book but what the heck.. Kinda relevant, given discussion on Bible thread etc on the 10 commandments ..

There's a pastor delivering a sermon to his congregation about the Ten Commandments. He begins by listing them off, in case the parishoners didn't quite remember them all. When he got to "Thou Shalt Not Steal," he marked that a man in the front row became very uncomfortable, fidgeting around and looking very conspicuous.

He thought nothing of it, not wanting to judge, and continued his sermon. But as soon as "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" left his mouth, he noticed the same man smile, then sit back relaxed. This gave him some reason for concern, so after the mass, he approached the man.

"Excuse me," he began, "but I noticed you looking quite uncomfortable for the better part of my sermon today. Is there anything you'd like to discuss, son?" The man laughed, and explained to the father what had happened.

"You see," he said, "when you mentioned 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' I thought to myself, where's my umbrella? But when you mentioned 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where it was."

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2020hindsight said:

one of the oldest jokes in the book but what the heck.. Kinda relevant, given discussion on Bible thread etc on the 10 commandments ..

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i dont get it

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that p**fter sh*t in our garden' she said.

Hello

This gut was on Denton last night made me smile. He did his first video just for fun. He got sponsored by Wriggly the chewing gum company they now pay for him to dance his way around the world.

Regards
www.wherethehellismatt.com

white_goodman said:

i dont get it

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ahh white, when you get to my age and you've heard it a few hundred times, the penny will drop

(PS I'm not pretending it's a good joke btw)

skint said:

daddy long legs x 2

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lol - oh my hat - as my uncle used to say